Reverting II

File:Brooklyn Museum - Girl Arranging Flowers -  - overall.jpgShould I revert?

I was thinking of posting around being a Sissy, rather than being a trans woman. Now, I don’t want to produce continuous rational prose, but go where the writing takes me.

My constant monitoring and judging of myself is my own. I would be considerably less weird, as a man, in others’ eyes than I fear, despite my small breasts.

-What do you Want.
-I want to be Normal! I want just to fit in.

Onywye. This is part of the thought. I am a sissy: an effeminate or unmanly man, more a bottom than a top, sexually, but attracted to women rather than men. There are heterosexual women to fit us- As God made them, so God matched them- but in Western societies we are derided, and a lot of social control is around getting us to “man up”, or pretend to be, well, like men ought to be.

We are good evidence that gender, as constructed and idolised in the West, is a very poor fit for sex defined merely gonadally.

Blinded by shame, I step from “effeminate” (bad) to “feminine” (good), and follow the well-trodden path to transition. As a http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/39/Isidora_Goyenechea.jpgfetishistic transvestite, I find it pleasanter to imagine myself motivated by femininity than perversion. My desire for castration and vaginaplasty arises partly from a fetishistic fantasy- imagining it is a turn-on- and partly from a desire to believe I am a real transsexual, rather than a pervert.

Here I am constructing an argument, or a theory, rather than telling you what I feel is necessarily the truth- but putting it this way, I cannot merely dismiss it as ridiculous.

In an ideal world there would be a place for me as a sissy, and descriptive rather than derisive words. Perhaps, ideally, I should be working towards that world, out and proud and campaigning for equality, rather than trying to fit in. Fuck that. I have as much right to try to make my own way, to campaign for truth and justice when I feel able and to hide away and be a quisling when I feel capable of nothing more, as anyone.

-What do you want?
-I want never to feel uncomfortable, never to feel fear, never to judge myself.

I-

cannot

escape the judgment of my insatiable inner critic. I might die to myself– more difficult than being born again- but she will never be satisfied. I have to stop listening.

I honour my past choices.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f9/Iranian_-_A_Young_Man_with_a_Flower_-_Walters_W680A_-_Full_Page.jpgTransition was what I needed to do at the time. It was what I wanted more than anything else. Anyone who finds me disconcertingly or displeasingly strange, will find me so even if I stop taking hormones, wearing a wig, and speaking at a higher pitch than most people after their voice breaks. Reverting is just hassle, to no great benefit.

I got my first picture from Wikimedia, as usual: category Portraits of women holding flowers. Hoping to find a more fitting category, I deleted two letters- but that category does not exist. I searched further, and found only Asians, not Europeans.

File:Young Pashai man with flowers in his hair.jpg

14 thoughts on “Reverting II

  1. Thought for the day – it is not arriving that matters, but what we learn on the way. There are no finite answers, and anyone who thinks there should be, is just making work for themselves. As soon as we formulate a theory, it begs to be disproved, especially among those who just love a good argument. 😉 In fact, what we think and feel changes all the time.

    Perhaps it’s best to just be ourselves, whatever that might be just now. Being is just so easy! We can be what we are today, and just delete all the theories. YAY!

    Bless you! xxx 🙂

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  2. I agree with Ann. What we think and feel changes all the time. So sometimes it’s difficult to take ourselves too seriously, and the easiest way to live is always in the moment (I’ve not managed it yet, but it makes sense!).

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  3. I’m at the opposite end of the country, so here’s representation from the South coast, even if not the Southern Hemisphere 🙂

    I don’t suppose it will assist you to know that most of us have that harsh inner critic, more harsh than any comments hurled at us all from those outside our own skin. But it is true, nonetheless. I have been focused on, and swallowed whole by many different things in my life. To my detriment, to the detriment of relationships, decisions that have swept me away, at the time. I have come to realise that nothing is constant, everything is so much shifting sands.
    So, we are all in transition – of one sort or another. For now, we are perfect versions of ourselves, even if we’re not happy with that version. X

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    • The inner critic develops in childhood, to make us do all we ought, and it is in that childlike way trying to keep us on the right path. I called her Johanna, and imagined her in a white velvet dress with a bow in her hair. Then I try to pacify her, as I might an angry and frightened child. And I still judge myself fiercely.

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  4. But – oh, but – the harsh inner critic is not a child. A child is born neither angry nor fearful, but learns these reactions from those who are bigger than it. Not to say that our parents are necessarily harsh or fearful, but they are more likely to carry messages of approval and “the right behaviour” which they hope their children will emulate.

    And all because they too desire to be loved unconditionally. Parents blame children for being badly behaved. They would learn more if they stopped to listen to their kids.

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    • So lovely to see you today. I must go to Henderson’s more often, that salad was so varied and delightful; then to sit in Princes St Gardens in far warmer sunshine than I expected- no point in taking sandals to Scotland in September?- was heavenly. I love to be with you- and here we are, publicly typing again, which is not as good as being together but way better than nothing. Thank you for all your encouragement and wisdom.

      Yes, children can be far more positive than the Inner Critic, but she seems to me an immature response, a childish response, a response which was the best the child could make, which somehow got stuck. So in that way a child. And she has a child’s certainty, and desperation. So I think treating her like a child- paying her full attention, then explaining calmly carefully and clearly what an alternative view might be- is useful. Not that I do it so much, and often the Inner Critic judgment weighs on me, without being articulated.

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      • Thanks for your post – and for your encouragement, too. It was wonderful to be with you and to see what you saw. I am sure that seagull was a dog, btw. It kept coming back and looking hopeful. The way a few feathers lifted off its round head in the wind made it endearing to me, so now I see gulls as friends. Which is a gift. Thank you.

        You are absolutely right about the inner child. She is indeed immature and non verbal. Formed in pre-verbal childhood, it is little wonder she is not articulate and finds life such a challenge. Lots of hugs would help, perhaps.

        I emailed out my article yesterday. Fingers crossed.

        Bless you.

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