As a self-confidence exercise, I went round the supermarket this morning without my wig. Terry, who remained in the car, was more embarrassed than I was: people mostly looked at me so we could avoid our trolleys colliding. If people look at me quizzically, to be abashed by that is responding like a prey animal- and my response is my choice.
What irritated me was the way the check-out assistant started chatting to the woman behind me, while still serving me, and ignored me when I responded.
I give, or can choose not to give, permission to others to dictate my appearance; even if in some cases a particular appearance might help me achieve a particular result. This is an improvement. She irritated, rather than distressed, me. There was no overt insult, and if there had been I could have handled it.
I ended a course of counselling in 2009 with:
-What are you afraid of?
-The monster will get me.
As Yvonne pointed out, this is small child’s language, and it was the only way I could express it. I could not go further: in fact, so non-rational is this that my barriers against the realisation were great. I wanted to rationalise the fear, and find a proper cause for it. I saw later that the monster is my mother, and if it gets me I die. It seems I have moved on from then. The monster won’t get me.
In the park, families have paid to be taught and supervised building shelters for the night- a “Survive” event. They had a gorgeous warm weekend for it. I went into the woods following the path the 4x4s had made (AmE- “SUVs”) and chatted until told to leave by the “ranger”. He escorted me away, which irritated me again- why not just trust me to walk away, it is not as if I will scratch that motorcaravan (for use, perhaps, if a family could not bear it).
This is an improvement. I am not so crippled by self-consciousness that I cannot go out. I still have difficulty articulating anything I Want, which I feel I could achieve, or a way to achieve something, but a barrier within my own mind has melted away.
My distress is not as dangerous as it was. If my anger terrifies me, I freeze and can do nothing but suppress it. If I can notice and permit it, it can energise me.
What courage!
LikeLike
😳
Thank you. Cycling and karate improve my legs.
😎
LikeLike
Was blinded by your courage! Meant to say what amazing legs you have too!
LikeLike
Yes, Clare is fetching. Notice the hands?
LikeLike
Mwah!
Trying that Boldini hand shape, pulled back at the wrist, made me feel exposed. It may be linked to my sense of a chakra in my wrists: it felt more than symbolic.
LikeLike
Beautiful shot of you, Clare!
LikeLike
Thank you. You are the photographer.
LikeLike