Celebrating the male Mother

https://i0.wp.com/upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e9/Chopin_1838.pngI need words, for how may I see without them?

I have something utterly beautiful, sweet, vulnerable, precious, fragile, creative, and I need to describe it. It is male: it is proper to, and the common experience of, some people with testicles. It is Feminine in the best sense of that word. It is well known, for we have many words for it: sissy or submissive, which I have put in my permalink in a flagrant attempt at attracting searches. Our words are contemptuous: “she wears the trousers in a relationship”, he is a “male lesbian“, he is a sissy.

Our sexuality is a part of this, and there are spaces for it, and we feel ashamed as we seek them out. The internet offerings are porn sites and professional dominatrix sites: it may be that there are fewer women able to make a satisfying relationship with us than there are of us, or they know and accept themselves even less than we do.

There is an ideal of manhood, the warrior male, and so rather than being seen as having an equal and alternative way of being male, I am seen as an inadequate male. Just as with homophobia, I internalise that, desperate to fit the ideal of manhood.

I am slightly different. I am a trans woman, a trans lesbian, and I see the continuity in the spectrum from men with no desire to File:Die junge George Sand.jpgtransition who want a woman to wear the trousers. That perplexed and distressed me- seeing the maleness of my way of being, I wondered if my desire to transition was just a diseased fantasy (as if I needed yet another reason to wonder that). By the way, it isn’t.

We want a woman to wear the trousers. Or-


How may I put this positively? Casting around for positive role-models, at one moment I consider the camp gay male, but that is not it. That is not me. That is not this man I am thinking of.

-who want a woman who complements them, and allows their eldritch fey feminine to blossom and flourish.

My culture is deficient, and suffers for it. We need a way of delighting in this wonderful gift, or otherwise it becomes a curse.

Looking for pictures has been so difficult. Chopin seems to fit; but I cannot think of another, and looking under “fop”, “dandy” or “effeminate” does not seem to produce another, so I pick Georges Sand faute de mieux. This RuPaul quote is spot on: There is a definite prejudice towards men who use femininity as part of their palate; their emotional palate, their physical palate. Is that changing? It’s changing in ways that don’t advance the cause of femininity. I’m not talking frilly-laced pink things or Hello Kitty stuff. I’m talking about goddess energy, intuition and feelings. That is still under attack, and it has gotten worse. But RuPaul did not seem to fit, following the drag queen tradition, normally gay. The gynephilia of my group feels intensely important.

Something has happened, which brings this into terribly sharp relief for me. I had lunch with Liz, and said that I have to be authentic, and self-accepting, and to integrate myself. I found it difficult to get the word authentic out without verbally putting ironic quote marks round it, mocking myself. But it is true, and saying it gets easier.

11 thoughts on “Celebrating the male Mother

  1. Dear Clare,

    When you say you “have to be authentic, self-accepting and to integrate myself” it is probably hard to walk the thin line between giving yourself a punitive agenda – I have to, therefore if I don’t I am just a(nother) failure – and having to, because these qualities in you are inalienable, manifestly true and can no longer be denied. How can a beautiful person deny their beauty for ever?

    Liz may well have her own issues around being authentic and self excepting, which is why she may be able to speak of these things with you with understanding. But you doubtless support her too. It is when we work together that we learn our struggles are not so different. We all have more in common with each other than separates us.

    I love your posts! Have a good day. 🙂 xx


    • There is a bit of the self-punishing in that, actually- why have I not made it by now?- but mostly it is from my need to Survive; and from my drive to live fully. And recognising that my good qualities must not be disrespected- a rare worthwhile use of must.

      Oh, it was lovely to see you and spend time with you! Thank you for lunch, eating with sticky sauce-covered fingers was gorgeous.


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