Control

Kneeling in the ritual space, in the dark. I am not entirely sure the timer is working. I could just kneel here, or get up and put the light on- I stayed, and the timer did actually bleep. I could take control, or let it happen.

Morning kata. My mind is wandering: I think of something which made me angry. Merely a distraction, something to be held down in order to concentrate on the kata, or- something to energise it, and give it focus. Anger channelled into intention. Something to add to the mix.

Try it. Yes, it adds. Two ways, which could be so close or so far apart- it seems as if-

either I intend the strike, with anger in my intent, which lessens it

or I let the strike happen, and my anger sharpens it.

Though, of course, it is I who perceives, my perception, not necessarily the best way of judging. Again I notice that the feeling announces itself by calling to consciousness a past situation which has made me angry.

Kneeling in the ritual space, and I have the sense of being and loving and perceiving all of me. Not just the acceptable bits and not just abandoned baby Clare in pain.

Another way of looking at it. I am an idiot, grasping the wrong end of the stick, understanding too late if ever at all, endlessly just not getting it. For a social animal I am peculiarly unsociable, finding fitting in, sticking out or attempting to hide in the background equally impossible. I am a weird, pervert deviant: wanting ones gonads removed is clearly disordered, the product of replacing reality with a sick fantasy. I am all that which I ought not to be, and not what I ought. And yet- I survive. I am still here.

Dive in. It is Shadow because I cannot accept it. And yet it is Me, and it is Human, and therefore it is Not Wrong.

3 thoughts on “Control

    • Welcome, Inavukic, and thank you for commenting. I could not forget the name of President Tudjman, and am interested in your analyses. I am pleased Croatia is joining the EU- it is imperfect, but it is an attempt to balance union and freedom for the good of all, and I am pleased this brings Croatia closer to England. And- I am delighted that you are interested in what I have to say.

      I met one Bosnian, and she said that before the War everyone was Bosniac- and it was the war that divided them into Croat, Serb, Muslim.

      Like

      • Thank you Clare Flourish. Things are moving on in Croatia but regretfully there are still lots of communist era remnants that stifle democracy in many ways. Yes the war did a great deal of damage and it started because Croatia and Bosnia wanted out of communist Yugoslavia, wanted democracy – Serbia did not and so a great tragedy evolved. Picking up the pieces is hard. I care a great deal because I have and still live in Australia, care and work for Croatian issues from here, and I want Croats, Bosniaks, Serbs, Slovenes, Macedonians … to have what we have here: freedom and opportunities without political oppression.

        Like

All comments welcome.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.