Bisexuals? Ew!

Bisexual Pride FlagLet’s face it, bisexuality or bisexualism or whatever they call it, is disgusting. So Dan Savage is biphobic? I sympathise absolutely. Bisexuals? Ew!

I am generally more Ew’d against than Ew’ing. Weird and disgusting in my appearance and mannerisms (whether cliché male or female) and above all for mutilating myself, I have fellow-feeling for those who inspire disgust. There is my opening. My own disgust here is not a reliable guide to me. I would be better to reduce it. It would be better if my acts were not controlled by it.

The aversion is real. There is a greater sense of betrayal when the beloved goes with a man- how could she? If I studied and thought of Privilege, I could come up with some Privilege I have over bisexuals, but my immediate response without that effort is the other way. They can drift into the queer community, and at any time leave it, and among the straights their cheap notoriety is cachet not curse. Drafting problem- should I say “My aversion is real”? No, I generalise. Other people must feel that way too.

Dan Savage disbelieves in the phenomenon based on his own initial self-identification as Bi in order to appear, well, not quite as bad as being gay when he was a teenager. Well. There are people who during their lives have stable relationships with partners of both sexes. The phenomenon exists, even if some people who say they are bi really are gay. There is a similar disbelief for- are they “my lot”? Androphile trans women? I choose to say they are my lot. Hominem scias, and all that. The argument is that they fancy men, and think- “but homosexuality is vile and immoral! I can’t be attracted to men, unless I am a woman.” I know gender identity is more complex than that.

My disgust, which I choose not to act upon- is it a “heart-impulse”? It is a movement from deep inside me. Such movement is not always simply to be acted on.

“Ew” is a bit American, but it has the advantage of being utterly girlipink. Other possibilities I considered were “Yuck”, “Ugh” and “Eughh”.

Hat tip to The Quiet Voice, whom I found through Violetwisp, who displays posts she likes. If I did, I would have to be less promiscuous with the Like button.

16 thoughts on “Bisexuals? Ew!

    • Michele, I did not think it was that difficult. I show different attitudes to bisexuals, some of which I find in myself.
      First I respond to Dan Savage’s distaste, and say I share it. Then, because I also inspire disgust for being who I am, I say this distaste is not a good guide. Then I give a personal reason for my disgust, and two incompatible responses to it. OK, that bit is a bit subtle. Then I address the Bisexuals do not exist argument, which I refute.

      I tend to feel that my fellow-feeling for others different from me is visible in my post. Thank you for indicating that it might be a bit too subtly expressed. And given that the Quiet Voice is attacking a position I satirise though also show some sympathy for, I would not have cited TQV like that if I really disagreed.

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  1. Another intriguing post! I think responses like this are based on that cultural moral compass I’m always going on about. If you are unable to give a logical explanation for your distaste for something, citing examples of harm that a specific trait brings to other people, it’s not worth taking seriously. Which I think you were saying, although even with the additional explanation to Michele, I’m not quite sure …

    Isn’t the Quiet Voice brilliant? I’m glad people can find other blogs I like with those buttons. You should display them too, you’re great at digging out interesting blogs. I’m very discerning in my use of the ‘like’ – anyone who gets one from me should be rightly thrilled by finding a true fan of their work. 🙂

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    • I want my distaste, or memories of hurt, to have no effect on my actions, and even on my interactions- eye contact, body language, things which are more difficult to monitor- but I do not want them denied or suppressed. It seems to me that if I am aware of them, then I can pacify myself like I might a child, calming such a reaction away; and if I suppress them they shout louder to get my attention, again like a child- or an adult.

      So, wherever Dan Savage’s antipathy comes from, I sympathise with it. And I condemn him acting on it, and speaking it, for that is not OK. The advice to dump her partner, where to another he might advise exploring her partner’s needs, is a good example. If he meets a bisexual and feels superior, knowing the person is self-deceiving, that too is wrong.

      I have just updated my blog-links I like widget. You are now on it.

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      • Wow, thank you! I don’t think I’ve been on anyone’s ‘like’ bar!! I think I understand better what you mean, but it totally went over my head on the first read. And I realise now that I completely misinterpreted what you said about my ‘likes’ – I thought you were suggesting that I hit ‘like’ on any old post and that Thomas wasn’t worth it, hehe. In my defense, it was 6am when I read it … I should probably wait till I’ve had at least one cup coffee before I tackle one of your posts.

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  2. This seems straightforward enough – forgive the pun. A guy who identifies as gay then goes on to vilify those whom he sees as “worse” than he is. The violence of his language suggests that he still has personal issues around bisexuality – the oldest giveaway in the world.

    When – oh, when!?- will we stop making stupid and hurtful generalisations about all those other people out there who are supposedly doing things we disapprove of? Everyone does it, and everyone dies a bit, when we do this.

    Keep the faith. Love you, Clare, and I adore your post! xxx 🙂 (More ew’ed against than ew’ing….!)

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    • My hurtful generalisations here are deliberately self-contradictory. Everyone should condemn bisexuals, and feel disgust, because I do. And- straight people find them dangerously alluring- which is another reason for feeling disgust for them. This is the subtlest bit of my post. I do that. I do not think it is a good thing. And- “more ew’ed against than ew’ing” was the line which popped into my mind, and which I loved so much that I had to do the post. If I cannot work out from someone else’s disgust reaction aimed at me for who I am that similar disgust reactions in myself are a bad thing and not to be acted on, then I fail at the most basic empathy.

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  3. I am bisexual and this post isn’t really true you know. Yes, bi phobia exists. Yes, some bisexuals really do need both a man and a woman in their life but not everyone’s the same. I find it ironic that many gay/lesbian people actually act the same way the straight society acts towards them when we’re speaking about bisexuals and bi phobia.
    Other than that, it’s a well-written post 🙂

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    • Welcome Alex, and thank you for commenting.

      I agree. Given that gay people suffer homophobic reactions, you would think we would be able to curb our biphobic reactions. My point is that I want to reduce my biphobia, and not act based on it.

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      • I have thought for some time on that comment before replying. They are not reasons, but rationalisations. If the beloved chooses another it feels like betrayal whatever sex the one preferred is. And whether most people feel disgust at bisexuals or they have cachet among straights, it cannot be both.

        Do not let me off too lightly. I need to do the work of conscious then unconscious and immediate acceptance that I demand of other people in regard to me. And- when the work is being done, a friendly approach is valuable.

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    • I do. Canada now has equalities legislation for trans people- hooray. I am pleased by the comment about the foreign minister supporting this line in other countries, too, even though I am aware Harper is hostile. Thinking recently about what heads of state or government I could name, I realised I only knew that of Stephen Harper because of his hostility to my lot.

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  4. Interesting post and thank you for the link back – while I don’t exactly agree with everything you write, I love how you’ve satirized a position some people take and that you evaluate it with your own opinion. Agree to disagree, yes? In my view we shouldn’t make “camps” out of our sexualities. There shouldn’t be a “camp gay” or “camp straight” or “camp bi”… we should just appreciate everyone and love everyone for who they are, no matter who they love. Anyway, once again, nice post!

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    • Thomas, welcome. Lovely to have you here. Unfortunately, I have not satirised someone else’s position, but given my own reaction, which I believe is not OK to act upon, and tried to find a way past it. I went to a woman’s house hoping to get off with her. She took a man to her bed that evening, and I reacted badly to that. And- if she had gone that night with a woman I am not sure I would have felt any less angry and humiliated.

      The argument for emphasising differences, is that we are different and have different interests. When I was transitioning I wanted to spend time with other trans folk. My closest friends now are straight- oh well, most people are- and we have a common interest in the acceptance of diversity. That involves me changing my own attitudes if I wish to ask anyone else to change theirs.

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