Ego and impulse

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/19/El_Greco_006.jpgHow can I distinguish ego-motivation (bad) from Heart/Spirit/God motivation (good) except by thinking about it?

Different parts of the brain say different things. There are impulses and drives, and so often the drive is self-destructive: should I do another Spider Solitaire at 1.50am? Probably not, and yet several times later than that I have done. And yet that breakfast: people thought my impulse would be to pig myself on a cooked breakfast, and I needed moral self-restraint (good) to resist that impulse, whereas actually I looked at it and my impulse was to eat muesli. I watched C eat cereal by itself, without milk, and thought that is him asserting Control in the only way he can- no-one could actually like it like that- because he is still living with his parents.

If I label my year of unemployment with just three job applications my Great Sulk, that seems bad, and if I label it my Retreat for Self-Healing, it seems good. Possibly it is a bit of both.

On Facebook I read that procrastination can be a good thing, allowing onesself to mature into doing something rather than forcing onesself. I scrolled through just now and can’t find it, but I did find this from Abraham Hicks: Worthiness, in very simple terms, means I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting. Oops, the Hickses are talking sense again. The loving or hating onesself is generally unconscious, my feelings of unworthiness are very deep: how may I change from one to the other? Can I use my ego/mind/conscious thought and analysis to shift into self-love and respect? If not, how might I so shift?

It seems to me that I learned young that I am Worthless. This promptly went unconscious. I then realised I felt that way very deep down, by ratiocination- (Oh My God the Monkey mind Ego Bad Bad Bad) but also by a guided way into my Unconscious- it is my Hoffman name. (Mystic!! Good!!). If I kneel in my ritual space and say, portentously, “I am worthy of Respect” or try to Think Through reasons why I am worthy of respect- either simply by being human, or by characteristics- can I in that way move from that hate to self-love?

I have faith that the human being heals, and I seem wiser and more self-accepting than before (if my ego is perceiving correctly). I was all knotted up. Can I help myself unknot, by thinking about it, or by practising willing my own good?  What do you think?

Or, going back to Being Human, if I can see bits of myself in the shero Alex even if she is not the most well-drawn human being, is it better to spend time watching that rather than reading Proust and seeing myself in the pitiable Marcel?

6 thoughts on “Ego and impulse

  1. I love this post, which is funny and wistful all together, perfectly revealing how often we hop around, trying to make sense of what we do and why we do it. Not easy, is it?

    “Abraham / Hicks” is the Abraham spiritual collective, as written down by Esther Hicks, assisted by her husband, Jerry Hicks. They have transcribed a number of books from Spirit, one of which I found in a local library, and another of which I dip into from time to time. If they are talking sense to you, it may be because the spiritual perspective in the automatic writing comes from a higher perspective…so it would include more understanding…..if you see what I mean.

    The ego is generally critical, judgemental and unkind. If you make a decision, and a voice wants to argue with you, that is probably the ego, which never wants you to feel good about the choice you have made, only bad about it. The ego, in bullying you to make a different choice, does not want you to discover that your first choice is an equally valid choice!

    (For further information about this and other qualities of the ego, I can recommend “A Course In Miracles”. If you believe the voice of the narrator, it is Jesus himself, and I put a new, up-to-date book given to us by Jesus pretty high up there on my collection of spiritual books! For a fresh perspective on the christian message, I recommend it highly.)

    Your posts bless me. Thank you! xx 🙂

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    • Because of the way the room is laid out, and where I choose to sit, I am very close to the flower vase. I got into wordless contemplation of the flower, then of the vase, and then I started analysing it. How many stems would go through that narrow waist? Three, if held together and pushed gently. They would then spread out in the wider lip and base of the vase.

      It seems to me that my analytical, word-based brain- for I did this partly with words- is more than just the Inner Critic (which is such a scared and clueless attempt at regulating conduct that it is enemy, though initially it sought to be friend). I hope that I can use such analysis, by integrating it with my other responses.

      As for argument, my discussion between Stephen and Clare with the inner rationalist as chair and the inner toddler making one useful contribution made me more tolerant of inner argument. Why is my brain arguing? What value has each position?

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  2. I always wonder about ‘self-worth’. I’ve heard that if parents or care-givers don’t give love/attention/praise/support from the beginning, then the children as adults have a constant struggle to feel of value. Like a core that grows up with you, and if you miss it in childhood, building it in retrospect is a difficult job.

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    • Unconditional positive regard, and acceptance. I did not get these, as my mother was not capable of it. She did her absolute best for me- seeing that was liberating- and I build that self-valuing. As you say it is difficult.

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    • I don’t know.

      I saw this, this morning: “There is one thing you should know about writing. It will inevitably lead you to terrible places, as you cannot write about something if you have not lived it. Though the most important thing to bear in mind is this: you are there as a tourist and must always remain one. There was a very specific reason why you were blessed with the ability to translate your sentiments into words— it is to bring a voice to suffering and torment. But do not be too indulgent with your experience of these things— despite how addictive suffering can be— how easy it is to get lost down the twisted path of self-destruction. You must emerge from adversity, scathed but victorious— to tell your story and in turn, light the way for others.”

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