Walking

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/66/Bosch%2C_Hieronymus_-_The_Garden_of_Earthly_Delights%2C_right_panel_-_Detail_disk_of_tree_man.jpg/868px-Bosch%2C_Hieronymus_-_The_Garden_of_Earthly_Delights%2C_right_panel_-_Detail_disk_of_tree_man.jpgI don’t know how to walk. I don’t know how to stand.

I am taking conscious incompetence to its extreme. Anything may be improved. Also, it makes walking meditative to be aware of it: as I can concentrate on my breathing while kneeling in my ritual space, so I can be aware of the movements of feet, ankles, calves, thighs, arms torso and neck in walking. That relaxed open awareness. But chiefly, I am aware of how and who I am, and how I express myself, even in walking. I have learned two and a half times before, and I want to finish off the third time.

The first time I was a baby. What an achievement that is, over months to go from lying helpless, not knowing how the desires fit the bodily movements so that we have to wave our legs many times before we realise that movement is that; and soon toddling. I used this as encouragement- “You have done difficult things before: you learned how to walk and talk!” until an untransitioned trans woman quavered at me, “My mother told me I was very late walking”.

The second time was in my teens. I thought of how I wanted to walk, and showed my mother. She did not want me walking like that because it looked “homosexual”. And I thought of my walking, and removed anything expressive from it. Walking in rain I noticed how water flicked from my toe across my path, so I worked on pointing my foot forwards throughout the movement.

Then I was out with Carol, about 1999, and she commented how prognathous my walking was. Jaw sticking forward. Neanderthal. So male. Well, it had to be. And now, I can walk hurriedly, not noticing people around me.

I am so tense and anxious. I have managed to expunge stress from my life, for the moment, as much as anyone can by her own efforts, and I am tense.

H’s dog Jess walked around with her tail clamped firmly down, and I thonght, that covers the anus and vagina. Like that, it is more difficult for other dogs to smell her. That is tense, and low-status, for a high status dog does not care who smells where it is.

It seems to me these things are linked. I stand with my buttocks clenched and my back tense, and though I do not expect anyone to smell me, I stand and walk with a cringe, in a low-status pose. I do not want to be noticed. I am fearful. Still. If I relax as I walk, and walk as if the World is mine, and I am not afraid, people might notice that: another way in which the law of attraction concept of “vibrating” might work. Though I want a feminine walk, not a male swagger.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/38/Jheronimus_Bosch_023.jpg/1280px-Jheronimus_Bosch_023.jpg

4 thoughts on “Walking

  1. Darling Clare

    I’ve been thinking about this post today. It never occurred to me that you might wish to teach yourself to walk differently from – the way you would walk if you were just being yourself. I guess that is what can happen if we feel we are always acting a part – acting apart – acting can take over everything, I suppose.

    But there is nothing wrong with you, is there?! I mean, seriously.

    Parental opinions, which are not always altruistic or helpful or correct, have the status of fact, in so many ways. Your mother’s opinions about you made you decide to do something – probably many things – differently. But what if she was voicing her insecurities at your expense? What if she was “wrong” to express her prejudice…her fear?

    Maybe you can take some of the layers off and just walk away from them….

    xx 🙂

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    • I was acting a part, and relaxing into not acting can be difficult. I denied so much in myself, and changing my name was not the end of my self-acceptance. I think my mother was entirely wrong, and doing her best as she best knew.

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  2. Clare,
    Yes, walking. I suppose it can bring an inner awareness of where we are emotionally, as well as even an identity. And it can change from moment to moment. Walking meditation is powerful for me. The movement seems to help move feelings too. And I agree with Ann – there’s nothing wrong with you. And your walk can just be what it wants to be in the moment.
    Cathy

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