Support

File:Albert-von-Keller-La-Descente-aux-Enfers-1912.jpgI have a hot bra.
-The padding is too warm for anything but winter hiking!

Actually, it is unusual. I thought my padded bras would get waterlogged in washing, and go out of shape, but they usually dry quickly, keep their shape, and are comfortable, not too warm, to wear. They even manage to look almost pretty. And, I have a lace underwired creation which manages to pull me forward, display me to my best advantage, and is (apart from the well-concealed wire) pretty gossamer. I was abashed, wearing it: it is hard to accept that my breasts might look attractive.

Kaspar Juul, spin-doctor to the Statsminister in the Danish political drama Borgen, lies about his father. He pretends that he is the son of a wealthy industrialist. He ran away after his father sexually abused him, and told him not to tell his mother as she will not understand, and will be angry with him (Kaspar). His on-off girlfriend finds out about his father’s funeral, and goes. Only the two of them are there. She reaches for his hand, and holds it.

She points out http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/44/August_Macke_Drei_Akte.jpgthat is not the funeral of a wealthy industrialist, and he snaps that he has fantasised a wealthy father. He has seen a psychiatrist about it. She says she could love him if he told her the truth, and he cannot tell her that he was abused, cannot give the reason for his hatred, rejection and lies. Watching, I think that she would understand if he did; and he is ashamed of having been abused, ashamed of being angry, of being unable to deal with it. He so needs his pretence of not caring.

I lied again last night. I found something embarrassing, so I pretended it was other than it was- and held to my lie, though I was still embarrassed, and embarrassed more at my lie. And the lie cuts me off from sympathy, because I fear mockery. And yet I imagine I could not tell the alternative therapist’s lie, “I am fixing X by a little pressure and a little pulling” which if placebo has any meaning becomes true in the telling of it, and is a valuable part of that placebo. Part of the performance.

I imagine my lie last night was transparent, as my embarrassment would show. I do not want your sympathy, because it obliges me to you- yet I delight in giving sympathy. Two things so close, a society of equals all standing up for themselves and a society of equals, all supporting each other, and the fantasy of the first stops the second from coming to be.

And my breasts can look good, with the right support, in the right light, to the right eye.

11 thoughts on “Support

  1. My breasts are small, barely need a bra yet I am womanly.. this post struck a chord in me on many levels..
    yes, you have support coming from so many places..can you feel it?

    Like

    • I am womanly, and my femininity has been called sexual sin and sexual perversion and weakness and disgusting and not “femininity” but a grotesque parody of it and my courage has been called arrogance and disrespect and my Love has been trifled with and cast aside and my intelligence is always too late and I do my best and am worthless and stupid and ridiculous and

      yes I hear, and even feel, the support. IRL as well as through the screen. Thank you.

      Like

    • The last four episodes sat on my plus box for a year, unwatched. Now, it extends its range: the seduction of Hoxenhaven was farcical- “At last he’s showing some initiative” says Katrine, as the boy talked to the leader in the evening, and I realised; the suicide was dark. Katrine’s on/off with Kaspar bores me, but the delight the Statsminister’s children took in the long lost taste of family life with Cecilie, playing Pictionary, is heartwrenching.

      Oh, and the language! I recognise words like arbeit, krieg, d’accord, and fuck.

      Like

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