What can I do with this?

Weeping, again, this morning over something which happened six years ago.

My job role was funded to do a particular task, but my employer told me to do something different. I argued that I should do what we were paid for. My work was blocked, I was picked up over trivia- and lambasted over the actual mistakes I made- and we lost the funding.

In the CAB conference this year, I sat with two managers criticising the national organisation for working with another body to run a helpline rather than using local CABx to employ the helpline advisers. Probably, the national organisation made that decision because of the LSC phone line debacle six years before. I wrote about this a year ago. How do I process the experience, now?

It was horrible. It is one cause of my lack of confidence now: I thought at the time I could deal with the idiocies of any two of the funders, the CAB and the benefits system, but not the idiocies of all three.

I was right to make the argument that we should do the job we were paid for. And we should have done, having taken the money for it; what we proposed instead was arguably a worse service for everyone involved. Possibly I should have relented when  told “No”- the tasks I was given to do, by the people who paid me and were entitled to tell me what to do, were much simpler than the tasks the funder envisaged, and they found me another funding stream when that one ended. It was easier to get funding then. I would have been better off had I just gone with the flow. Seeing that, I might be better able to go with the flow.

I don’t think a similar mistake would be made now. And I might find myself in a similar clash of personalities. I hope, having more self-knowledge and self-respect, I might be less driven, better able to react, and more empathetic. That is important. I have done useful work this year.

Now I have shifted from negative to positive thinking, the question remains: can I trust the World and myself, despite this? I have to, is one answer, hiding away in a sulk is not a permanent solution. And- it was a clusterfuck, it is rare that so many things go wrong so completely.

Here’s a new way of looking at it for me. It is not proof of my general uselessness and incapacity and badness. It is a bad thing that happened. Despite that, I am a good person.

Breathe.

10 thoughts on “What can I do with this?

  1. Dear Clare, I was once hired by an Indian band, moved across the country and then asked to sign off on documents that would have defrauded a funder of thousands and thousands of dollars. I refused. Ultimately they did not renew my contract, and although it was a wonderful experience (the actual work and the people I met), I was sour for a long long time.

    You were right to stand up to them even though the result you hoped for – that the correct thing would happen – were not to be. You have persevered with them. They should be on their knees counting their blessings every day to have someone as insightful and honorable as you.

    So the answer is of course you can trust the world and yourself!!! If your life ends up at mostly good, say anything over 80%, and I base that on all you bring just here (never mind the rest of your life) to educate and illuminate the world then you my dear are hugely successful and blessed beyond measure.

    I am coming to understand that every bad thing, it is just a thing you know, but what we DO with it, use it to become more something (compassionate, professional, whatever) or turn it against ourselves or the world will eventually make us excellent elders and role models for others, or cranky negative people who suck energy and life out of the joy of others.

    For you my dear, and all I know so far of your inspiring life, there is simple no way the latter could possibly happen. You and I have so much in common in terms of sensibilities and the high standard we set for the world. It is wonderful. So cry till you are empty, then rise up, dust off, and keep accepting all the world is asking of you on behalf of others. Much love coming your way.

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    • To a huge extent it is a question of perception. I sought to be loving and creative, and to do good. I delighted when I felt I could hear distress in a way I could “Earth” it, that the other felt better for emoting and felt respected. I had some success in the advocacy I engaged in, and noticed my own black-and-white thinking: I felt that success was only to be expected, so got little joy from it. I saw the world negatively, and now seek to see it positively. And I hurt so much that I suppressed much of my hurt. I want to recover from that, rather than suppress it again.

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  2. Dear Clare I wish you a year like no other. Fill it with love and light let these forces guide you through all that you do.
    I received this email this morning and then I read your blog. I think you will find it interesting and helpful.
    love.

    —– Original Message —–
    Subject: Welcome 2013 with Ease

    Andrea Carter Inc – Heart, Healing & Success
    “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”
    -Buddha

    Say Goodbye 2012, Welcome 2013
    Let go of your hang ups from 2012 to move into 2013 with ease

    You are more AMAZING than you give yourself credit for, YES YOU!!! Your light, your gift to the world is what needs to come out and be shared in 2013, so don’t wait, join me in this basic 5 step MindScape Experience and allow yourself to move forward easily. So please read this short way for you to let go of your hold ups from 2012 and move into 2013 with ease using your MindScape WorkShop!

    Here are the 5 steps to take to let go of 2012 hang ups:

    Go into your Workshop and sit at your desk. Once you are there, write out the 2 issues that you experienced in 2012 that have really impacted you negatively. Once you’ve written them down, note the people involved as well.
    Next go to your elevator door and call in the first person who was involved in the issue. Tell them how it has affected you. Tell them that you no longer agree to carry out the agreement or contract that you had formed and that you are no longer going to resonnate to the negative energy.
    Next tell them that you forgive them. Then once you have said, “I forgive you”, imagine that there are threads that are attached between you and that person. Cut each thread you see, and once all the threads are cut, say, “I release you in warmth and love”. Have them walk back onto the elevator and have the door close behind them.
    Repeat this step with anyone else who has affected you with the situations you initally recorded.
    Once you have finished letting go of the people, then take your list of issues see the ties from your list to you and again cut the threads, releasing you from the attachment and energy. Then imagine the list burning up in front of you, releasing all the energy completely.

    If you enjoyed this, did you know that you have the ability as a MindScape graduate to have access to recorded experiences for MindScape! Don’t wait, join today and begin using your WorkShop in ways you hadn’t thought of! http://www.andreacarterinc.com/mindscape/mindscape-members/join-my-site/
    As soon as you register you’ll automatically have 3 recordings to use at your leisure.

    Then once you’ve done the first 3 recordings upgrad your Membership and you’ll see how much more you’ll be able to do!

    Enjoy your 2013, see all the magificent ways you can use your mind and heart to reach your potential and let your light shine!

    With Love and Potential,
    Andrea

    Andrea Carter Inc – andreacarter@me.com – 403-542-6743
    AndreaCarterInc | 214-15566 McIvor Blvd SE | Calgary, AB T2Z 4N3, Canada
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    • Thank you for that. I also like Nicole’s meditation.

      Right now, I will not go back to CAB. I will not burn my bridges with it completely, but I dislike it so much I will come away for a bit. I need to find something else to do, something completely different. I have been very badly hurt by a number of experiences, some of which I have discussed here, and these causes of hurt are over. I am held in love and respect by people- whom I see in real life!

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  3. Bless your heart, Clare.
    Sending you a Divine Mother Hug for soothing, peace, ease and flow. Sit down for 5 minutes (when you can) to relax and receive.

    Feel what you feel in your physical body (heart, stomach, throat?).
    Stop thinking for a minute. That only perpetuates the feeling and actually keeps it active in your vibration.
    It’s all energy and it’s all moving. Let it move.

    Once you allow the feelings to move, the energy shifts and anything can happen.
    It’s only our minds that limit us. So keep focused on solutions or better feeling perspectives.
    Get help if you need it.
    I’m here to help. 🙂
    Much Love & Many Blessings, Clare.
    Crystal

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  4. my, my – did i need to hear this today: “Here’s a new way of looking at it for me. It is not proof of my general uselessness and incapacity and badness. It is a bad thing that happened. Despite that, I am a good person. Breathe.” thank you.

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  5. Oh!

    I have loved the comments on this post, loving and supportive, saying I can deal with this, showing me techniques; and Beth, an excellent elder and role model, sharing her own experience; and yours I love most. I am so glad it is valuable.

    We all have these experiences, and all judge ourselves like this. Men don’t, so badly, for some it is water off a duck’s back, and- we can recover from it.

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