If we respect each other, does our friendship need any other foundation? May 2000, I decided that I had to transition to female, I could not bear not. That was the Saturday. On the Wednesday, I went to the local TV/TS group, and sat with the trans women. None had jobs, one was studying, I thought their lives unbearable. So I decided I could not transition, I would make a go of presenting male. It was the Sibyls who showed me it was possible to live reasonably, transitioned, and especially F.

I saw her transition. She got a posting within her multinational company to another European capital, so when just starting to express herself female full time she was perfecting that other language and learning to drive on the right. We went on holiday together, once before I transitioned, and once after. She took me to Wimbledon, and on the centre court we watched Tim Henman and Pete Sampras. Tennis was her game, and she saw the skill in particular shots which seemed less spectacular to most of the crowd. It is not my game, I have never played and rarely watched it, and she paid me one of three compliments which I treasure: she enjoyed going there with me “because you’re interested in Life”.

I was transitioned, and we kept in touch by but then, it was me phoning, and almost all me talking about my concerns. “How are you?” elicited factual information rather than any real sharing, though she told me she would be seeing her daughter for the first time in years- how we suffer, for this thing which no-one would ever choose! Living with stuff which would be unbearable if you thought about it, we deaden ourselves to these pains.

So I stopped phoning.

I invited her to my ten year anniversary party, and she was having trouble with her emails so did not get the invitation on time. I phoned her, sent her a link to the photos, and just now got a Christmas e-card from her, a hideous saccharine thing of “Santa” coming down the chimney and leaving presents. Oops, I am depressed, I am not seeing clearly. A pretty, joyous animation with some touches of humour of Santa leaving presents, and flying off in his sleigh.

She kept one friend who had known her before transition, and apart from the Personnel department in England, no-one in the new office knew of her past. People do not see her transsexual history as they do mine- she told her best friend, who had not known. So, perhaps, she could not have me as a friend in case her secret came out, and did not want to talk to me to be reminded of her own transsexualism, which was now in her past.

We had respect! It is enough to found a friendship, unless there is something like this to break it. I felt such rage, I wanted to publish her name, photograph and a link to her business website here- a revenge at once mean, puny and misdirected. I wish we could be friends. And- I could resent all sorts of reasons for her to withdraw from friendship, but not that she was frightened and ashamed, for that is not her fault.

8 thoughts on “Friendship

  1. Dear Clare

    Your friend sent you a happy, animated Christmas card – sweet, pretty and perhaps rather pointless. But, if you take away all the past history of your being together, what does this tell you? First, that she was thinking about you and felt like wishing you happy christmas. Second, that she wanted to keep it cheerful and light.

    Looking through a darker lense, the card could be seen as faintly insulting – not you, at all. Maybe she has never really understood you…Or she might feel guilty about something……or she might be insensitive….or just too busy to think about what you might prefer…….and so on.

    None of these darker reasons serves you well, does it? Seeing the paranoid side just makes you unhappy, for whatever reason. In a way, the reasons hardly matter, but the end result is very important. If what you are thinking is making you unhappy, it does not serve you well. This is different from the sadness, or even frustration that comes from acknowledgement or understanding. Becoming unhappy for reasons that you cannot know, or verify, is a one way trip to hell. The kind of hell that believes in the value of revenge, or hurting back, and so on.

    So, just get off this trip. You got a nice card. Not really you, but well meant, at the best interpretation. It shows that someone is thinking of you, so you may as well send a silent blessing, a little love, and make the best of it. Ignorance is bliss, in a case like this, and in that ignorance, you can see the best in someone and start to believe again in friendship and mutual respect. That is the wisdom of the holy fool, who does not think about anything, but takes all gifts at their best.

    There is no reason for this silly place. There is only, what works to lift you, just now.

    Bless you, and have a good day.



    • I bear no ill will. I am sure she bears only good will, and we have little in common apart from that, which we wish to forget.

      I think our friendship ended because of what we have in common. It hurts. And it is the World that is hurting me, and my own findings in it, and certainly not her. What I seek to do is feel the hurt and let it go,


  2. I guess friendships come and go in many ways. Perhaps she was simply in your life to help you with your transition and then needed to move on. Not a rejection so much as a movement into another phase for her of which you have no knowledge. Of course your feelings are valid – feelings always are. And I’m glad you can write about it. May your Boxing Day be brighter, dear friend.


    • Yes, she did need to move on, is in another country, has little in common with me apart from the idiosyncrasy and did stay in touch four years after her own transition.

      Karma as understood in the east is a Reincarnation based thing. I could not bear it if this were karma for this life. I do not think it is.


  3. He! He! Thanks, Clare, I am very touched. I’ve been out of Edinburgh for a while, so catching up on your posts. Meantime, have a wonderful New Year! XXXX :-))


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