Giving blood

P1000372Desmond P1000394Tutu: I know the space is very small between “I am doing it in response to love” and “I am doing it to be loved”. But in that space resides the difference between joy-filled peace and anxious despair. In short, we don’t have to “act” like a holy man or holy woman. We need to simply live out of the joy and generosity of our goodness.

Should I give blood? Well, I have to reproduce it, it is about 10% of my blood volume. I have the time, I have done it before without ill effects. Last two times I went to give, I was refused because I was going to see a Consultant, even though it was about my transition and did not refer to any physical illness. I took that as meaning they did not trust me.

The question as I walk in the sunshine from the river home (Thursday 29th) from whence the community centre where the blood service is operating is about a hundred yards, is, am I doing it to be loved, or in response to love?

Not even, “to be loved”, because my rights against the NHS remain the same, but to imagine myself a good person, worthy of love: if that is an illusion it is worse than giving a gift to a friend, because that might possibly favourably dispose that friend to me. Though the staff are friendly, joshing about spilling the alcohol-based hand cleanser on one’s tunic. They know the motivations we have.

Facebook birthdays: two German friends today (Friday 30th). I know a few words of German- musical, like “lustige” or “klavier”, philosophical like zeitgeist, and, from our unfortunate War obsession, “Achtung!” and “Schnell!”. I got from Google translate “Alles Gute zum Geburtstag”. I want to use that. So, is it a desire to please my friend and to communicate to her in her own language, or a disgusting, worthless, cowardly desire to ingratiate myself? Mmm. I really am that hard on myself. And for any act, it is possible to imagine vile motives or generous motives, and create a rationalisation for why either is the true motive.

Do I want to see myself as a good person? Not sure. I have told myself for long enough that it is not a good motive. I did, before, want to be good.

Friday evening, kneeling for the first time after an inactive day, I think it possible that I was indeed giving blood to imagine myself Good. According to this theory- for how could I ever know?- after being so distraught about that last paid job yesterday, I revert to earlier, less healthy ways of dealing with my emotion, to preserve my fragile sense of self.

Then I read this. Don’t try to meet people where they are. This is a common trait especially for healers– we often automatically tune in and meet people’s needs. Don’t meet people where you think they are. Let go and let the situation flow organically.  After 24 hours for it to percolate I felt amazed joy, I felt liberated: it is just the way I am. That I could be being kind or generous from a position of weakness, rather than cowardly, overwhelms me. I wept hysterically at the realisation of how heavy the burden had been, and joy at its release.

So, a question for you. If I now get sad and angry about events around two years ago, am I wallowing in the negative emotions to my harm, or letting off my suppression and at last dealing with the stale, toxic emotion, to my benefit?

5 thoughts on “Giving blood

  1. Who said that release was easy? We spend our time in this world of opposites, threading our way carefully between extremes. Extremes of joy are great, but of sadness, not so great, nor so useful.

    Release of toxic negativity is essential, in a way, because to have it sitting in you can cause real illness, stalemate and all kinds of unreality and misperception. Others do not know why we behave as we do, when we react with such fervour, all our beliefs predicated on something that happened ten years ago. They have forgotten what we recall with such sharpness……

    Letting go, and asking for help with that, can cause physical pain, a backlash as the negativity surfaces. So long as we can accept how we feel, we are not wallowing, we are letting go, without guilt or judgement. You will get angry, and sad, and the key is to say, “Yes, well, now I am angry and so I am allowed to be angry.” Feel that deeply for a while – and don’t time yourself here! – and then remember “So what? I can be angry and it doesn’t really change me, nor affect my precious equilibrium. I am always whole.” A state of allowing does not judge what happens, but watches, knowing that the drama will come and go, without really affecting the real you.

    Does that answer your question a bit? I hope it helps.

    Bless you, and have a wonderful day. XXX 🙂

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    • Honestly, one year ago, two years ago, five years ago…
      That hurt, and that hurt, and that really really hurt
      And I was supposed to be able to deal with stuff, and I kidded myself that I could, and yes you’re right about the difficulty and the length of the process and I still have this belief (not as strong as before) that it ought to be simple and immediately accomplished-

      and that equanimity is very, very important to me. I sat in a group of thirty people, howling, and it was OK- lessons get through to me, slower than I might wish, blessings fall on me-

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  2. I have read that you have dealt with emotions before, by suppressing them, judging them weak or unacceptable. But they will surface eventually.

    So, on balance, I would say that expressing your emotions now is healthy, and probably overdue. You might as well get them out in the open so that they are seen to be less scary, less “inappropriate” than you think they are. Your mind thinks a lot, and has a lot to say about emotions, but the processes for both are different. So long as you do not judge the process, I would say that is big progress.

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  3. Those are emotional cysts taking up space in your being. To honor and let them go is the gift you give yourself. You are now making space for light and healing. You will notice a release of pain, tensions that have been nagging you inside your physical self for some time. This will be your confirmation that you have truly peeled away the last layer and “let go let god”. Continuing to look at the past and putting it back on the shelf could mean an unhealthy relationship with victimization. I believe that because you are asking you are ready for the light! xox

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    • Thinking of one particular issue: an employer behaved so arrogantly towards the funder of my work, deciding that what the funder wanted was not what the clients needed so I should give a different service, with the result that we lost the funding within five months. I went on to do different work.

      Ah, victim status. There was I thinking, no, no, of course not, my parents supported me as well as they could and now it is my job to make a go of life as well as I can; and when adult, I was not a victim but one among many with a partial view, doing our best, and if one thing does not work we try something else, cooperating as best we may: and that was stupid arrogant and wrong, and I suffered from it. Um. Well, she did not see it like I did at the time, or she would have listened to me.

      Yes. Victim status is a possible trap I might do well to avoid. Thank you.

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