I am Wonderful.
Let me say that again:
I am amazing, beautiful, strong
My quivering sensitivity is Blessing, and no weakness
I have a reasonable intellect
I am loving and creative.
In 1987, when I was twenty, I fell in unrequited love, and it took me six months to recover. Quite an effect from two conversations, one very short, and in the anguish of this I realised I had two conflicting self-images. I am the Centre of the Universe, and I am utterly worthless. I think, how wonderful to get such an insight into my unconscious processes, at that age: counter-intuitive, indeed seeming insane, how could I be conscious of either, leave alone both at once. I have been wrestling with it ever since, knowing that I need a synthesis of the two views.
Now I am reading Proust, and I create my self-image in his image, that sensitivity, because he gives me a new way of seeing a human being and I fit that better than I have fitted any other image of a human being before. This is still an approximation, rather than the true human being, and a better one. I think it helps me to appreciate others’ good qualities, with less envy or judgment, if I may appreciate my own.
Before enlightenment, hew wood and draw water; after enlightenment hew wood and draw water. I know. What am I going to do? I don’t know. I want to celebrate all my denials and self-protection mechanisms, my struggling on, my breaking down, my struggle to be that lawyer though not ideally suited to it, my responses, my withdrawal, my state now of self-valuing and self-perception and not earning money because the self-perception seems more important. I have the opportunity for it.
I could say, with the concepts of normal which tyrannise everyone, and the difficulty of finding that one road up the hill which is idiosyncratically ones own, that this is the way the world is to everyone. In some, Procrustes only shaves off a bit of skin, in others he removes a leg, but no-one fits and all are damaged. We must see the world and make our best way in it.
I could see how much it is improved, how sexual orientation discrimination is illegal, how it is also disapproved by society- some of the US is more backward, but in Europe and the more civilised parts of the US, it is- and there are still pockets of discrimination and hatred.
I could say the world is not how it ought to be, and it has hurt me, and I am angry with it. I have so much anger and it needs a target. The Evangelical Alliance, perhaps, which spread evil lies about transsexuality from a false understanding of the Bible, or the Gender Identity “Clinic” which gave me no support at all, so terrified were they of being seen to wrongly encourage someone who was not really transsexual, or give that hypothetical deluded man even one milligram of oestrogen. I have said that many times.
Or perhaps I just need not to be angry with or frightened of myself, to see the threats but not give them too much weight- what if I had slipped on the mud and fallen into the water yesterday? It would have been unpleasant, but I would have coped. I think I can cope with quite a lot, and indeed have done in the past. See the opportunities, and my capabilities, and my worth.
It feels like a choice, and I wonder, what will work?
How could I possibly have imagined myself to be so different from how I am?
The world is as it is. I am who I am.