Man

-Lady-Agnew-of-Lochnaw-1893.jpg

I am a man.

I imagine questions coming up. Am I going to revert to presenting male? No. Was I wrong to transition? Certainly not.

I am a “man” in that I have a Y chromosome, male skeletal structure, and I used to have male gonads, which I had removed. I am a “man” because I admit no connotations to that word which exclude me- “man” “should” behave or respond or be in a particular way. “Man” includes my ultragirly self. I am all man.

This might create a rapprochement with the radfems- radical feminism rejects moral or societal concepts of gender as restricting. Unfortunately it won’t- their insistence on women’s space excluding me is more from visceral, emotional disgust at my way of being. Which is, of course, a patriarchal response.

It does not prevent me from also being a “woman”. I am all inconsistencies, or to see it positively a wide range of possible responses which are right for the situation. So, I love the countryside and the city, the rolling arable of Northamptonshire and the hills and lochs of Argyll. I love the emotional relating in work, and I love the arcane puzzling out of statute and precedent. I am Scots and I am English, none of that half-and-half nonsense. I worked this out when thinking of transitioning.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/bc/Sandys%2C_Frederick_-_Morgan_le_Fay.JPGWhen I say “I am a man” I am rejecting all moral expectations of what a “man” is. A man “should” dress, respond, think or relate in a particular way? No. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, and I will not be judged on that. Of course, it is my own judgment that cripples or hurts me, so I reject that judgment. If my judgment from within is that I am acceptable as I am, then judgments from without will not hurt me. Also, I will be less likely to project Condemnation on another from communication which is intended as nothing of the kind.

I want to go beyond the gender binary, which is confirmed by the inadequate word “transition”- one transitions from one to the other, between the two- to gender fluidity. I want the right response, the Me response, in a situation without constraint from words concepts and judgments. I reject the word “transition” in favour of “Coming out”: I am still doing that, even to myself.

I will continue to use women’s changing rooms and loos. The Gender Recognition Act 2004 positively permits that, it was more or less tolerated before, and it is more comfortable.

I finally saw the distinction between intersex and DSD. Etymologically, intersex implies between the sexes, not one or the other. Disorder of Sexual Development implies there is a man or a woman with abnormal genitals. People with the same condition may define themselves as intersex or DSD, and I see no problem with someone calling himself “an intersex man”. It is the individual reality that matters, more than the words used to describe it. So I am not speaking for anyone but myself, and it has to be the person who chooses the words to describe herself.

8 thoughts on “Man

  1. Interesting! I notice that your intellect rejoices in understanding nice distinctions. But you respond, at a deeper level, that this hardly matters, that what matters is to be authentic in the Now. We all have the right to be different and to be samey, as we desire, so long as this does not compromise others. Our self expression should not be a problem for others, then, though in matters of sexuality and personal definition, it so often is.

    Everyone changes, all the time, and women may wear trousers one day, cullottes the next and a dress the following, without attracting criticism, though this was not always the case.

    Men have their own issues around self expression, one of which is, how to be a soft man, a gentle man who defies all these ridiculous stereotypes…..

    An interesting debate that we can lightly enjoy, but which, for the sake of being true to ourselves, we must ultimately ditch in favour of simple, clean and liberating expression of the self.

    xxxx ๐Ÿ™‚

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    • I like to think that my words help to bring me towards the liberating expression. They are not in themselves the moment of diving in, but they might be the moment of approaching the diving board. Actually, I think culottes are out of fashion, which is more tyrannous than “feminine” forms of dress. A pair of boots might be quite unwearable after only two years.

      I have so tied myself around with how I “ought” to be that I am stretching my words to the limit. Hence, I am a “man”. If “man” can mean me, then it no longer restricts me.

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  2. Clare,
    I simply love the words you use here. I too am a man. That’s how my wife and kids see me. I take on the role of father and husband and I do it with pride.
    I am also a woman. Society sees me as one and treats me accordingly. I still have those essential parts that make one biologically ‘man’. Inside I share that male spirit along with my female one. Someday I may rid myself of the things that make me physically male on the outside. But I can never be rid of ‘him’. He is part of me and always shall be.

    Together, I am a whole person. For the first time in my life I can finally feel that way. The binary concept of gender no longer defines what I am. I can be whatever I wish to be. And I am happy.

    Thank you,
    -Rachel

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  3. I love the idea of continually coming out to yourself. I have to come out all the time to others, for instance, when my pharmacist assumes that my birth control pills are intended for birth control, rather than just hormone therapy, and I have to clarify because she worries I’ll get pregnant.

    However, I also have to continually come out to myself; I have to rethink the way I process my attraction towards women and my lack of attraction for men. I’m sure there are other behaviors resulting from my sexuality that I’ll have to confront later on, as well.

    Great post ๐Ÿ™‚

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    • ๐Ÿ™‚ Welcome, Emma. Thank you. ๐Ÿ™‚

      We are at least two people, that attraction to women and the processing of it. If you were just one, you would just have the attraction. I am still coming out, still accepting the underlying me which reacts to the world, the processing me has less of a tight rein. But why Confront yourself, rather than accept, or acknowledge? There is also the amygdala reaction- fight, flee, feed or fuck- and the frontal lobe reaction, the human-primate designed to build community. The two must make peace.

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