To do

My procrastination is so severe that thinking “I will do X” at some time in the future no longer has any meaning. I spend all my time in my living room, and it is terribly untidy. I should clean it, but I can’t be bothered. Jan from upstairs popped down yesterday to borrow a tenner to buy food, and I made her a cup of tea. Two mugs of tea spilled over the floor, I cursed my clumsiness, and mopped it up with my back to her while she carried on moaning about life. Are you OK? Well-

If everything was OK with me, I would have this room tidier.
-Oh, don’t worry about it.
I had to lift a pile of stuff off a seat so she could sit down.

So rather than a To Do list which might guilt me out without accomplishing anything, I thought I would have a vague list in my mind of things which it would behove me to do. I do not have to do X, but it would be good to do- a better way of looking at it than I ought to do X.

I did not go in to the CAB yesterday. After weeping wildly the night before I decided I would not, and caught myself telling myself I could do a washing. Oh, no, that would just be put off too, I must decide I can skive off the CAB and spend the day playing solitaire on the computer. Actually, I wrote a couple of posts.

Frank Cadogan Cowper, Nimue the damsel of the lake

The psychiatrist referred me to the Wellbeing team, and I saw Nicola this morning (Thursday). What is the problem? I get really emotional. I thought initially it was the hormones, but I went back on the original dose in February and I am still weepy. My obsession with U shames me, and is against my interests: as if I am two people, I (the voice in my head) really hate the emotional bit- and “hate” is emotion. Go figure.

I get upset doing job applications so I have not been doing them. Why? Well- “must be able to use computers”. I wrote a spreadsheet to monitor my targets, I learned Publisher so I could do a publicity leaflet for my last service, I touch type. I am really good. I got a doctor sacked. He was not doing the job, he should have been sacked, but he denied it and my tenacity got a doctor (“How DARE you impugn this man’s professional integrity?”) sacked, on the evidence of benefit claimants. Seventeen of them saying the same thing, with his boss, also a doctor, desperately trying to find any reason to disbelieve them. That was when my client went on Channel 4 News. I get interviews, I just do not get Jobs.

What do you want from this?
-I want to see what you offer.
Well, what would you like?-Portrait_of_Elsa.jpg

I have used the occasional CBT technique before, it helped me to see I was in black and white thinking mode, helped me out of that. I thought it might be CBT. Or, I have found Rogerian counselling very useful.

What she is offering is getting me to do stuff. I will make a plan to do something at a specific time. Oh. OK. This is called “Behavioural Activation”, it is CBT based, and I have had four leaflets on it which have sat in my handbag from 11am until now, 10pm, as I write this. I suppose that she can help construct plans I might actually be able to keep to, and give tips for that, and talking about it might help. There are websites and free courses I can go on. Or, I could see a relationship counsellor, at the surgery. My GP would have to refer me. They don’t tend to do both at once, it is a bit mindblowing.

So now I am a “Service-user”. Perhaps seeing myself as that will just make me wallow in it when I need to snap out of it.

What about all this self-knowledge and healing stuff? Well, actually I think I am healthier now than I was when I was presenting male. More accepting, more integrated, not building up or suppressing the anger so much.

10 thoughts on “To do

  1. Dear Clare

    Thank you for your posts – they are most illuminating. Perhaps, one way to approach this is to go with your feelings. You hate doing job applications, because you know what happens all the time. Maybe your hatred of this process is really an invitation to look elsewhere … to move away from that sort of relationship into something a little less exposed and punitive. Less likely to bring up all the judgements, in which we lose.

    I take the view now, that if a feeling is good, I am moving in the right way, and in the right direction, towards something that is good for me and which will be ultimately productive and in my own best interests. And if I feel bad, obsessed, unhappy, depressed, wretched and in a deep hole, I am simply staying in the shadows instead of the daylight. Just now, ask yourself, what will feel better? And continue, just now, asking yourself, what would feel better, what would bring me feelings of relief?

    I do believe that your soul has a plan for you, and is trying to guide you, with your feelings. It does not speak the language of the intellect, of rationality and discipline, so you need not “ought” do do anything. What makes you feel good? Your blogs? You talents? A clean house? A spring clean freshness in the bracing winter air? I do not know then, why you cannot set your own parameters and work for yourself. You can do it, you have done it already. And you could do it again. Does that make you feel good? Then pursue it!

    It is what I have had to do, too! It may not bring material rewards straightaway, but that is not such a great concern. If you follow your feelings, and express your intentions clearly, that helps.

    Bless you! Many hugs.

    Ann xxx 🙂


    • Listening to my feelings, I have a sense of what I “ought” to want but not of what I actually want. My inner self can only make herself heard with her No. I am trying to find what would make me happy, and I found what I wanted more than anything else was to avoid feelings of anger and fear. As that is not healthy, I seek to accept my own anger and fear.

      So- following feelings. First find your feelings. I meditate. I develop my awareness.

      Thank you. Your support means a lot to me.


  2. Clare,
    I suspect that your writing your feelings and observations in your blog is a step forward and it helps to get clearer about what it is that you want for your life. And therapy, just takes time…


    • I am therapising myself, and making it public helps. If I express what is going on in a way which might be understood, that helps me to understand. And if people listen and respond, I feel heard. Thank you. Though I wish it were quicker!!


  3. Dear Clare

    You say that your inner self can only make herself known with a “No”. In that case, listen to the no, accept it first, then flip it over to the yes. Our no helps us to move to yes.

    You sense that you know what you ought to want, but not what you really want? Try this: first, ditch the normative language. “Ought”, “should” and “must” are just our bully sticks. Change all your words to empowerment, Can, Will and Shall. And rewrite that phrase.

    Then, consider…..You say you don’t know what you really want. But you can know what you desire. Try saying, “I desire…..” and wait awhile with that. Soon, your desires will be in flood, given permission at last to express themselves. When the flood has slowed, consider, what can I do, to move towards my desire? I could start with a delicious……



    • I have been considering what I might want to do, and how my inner critic thwarts my doing it, and today I did something I wanted to do. I will blog on it.

      Indeed, “can” rather than “must”. It would behove me, it is behovely. And there are still barriers, which I may peel away.


  4. Hey Claire,

    Just thought I’d stop by to say “hi”.

    I wood have read the article better but my sleeping pills are really kicking in. The pictures are lovely.


    Donald Miller


    • Om Shanti.

      I am kinder to myself than I once was, and I blog because I have the time and enjoy it. And I feel that these speculations help me be kinder to myself, see my hurts and blocks, and get past them.

      Be well.


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