My procrastination is so severe that thinking “I will do X” at some time in the future no longer has any meaning. I spend all my time in my living room, and it is terribly untidy. I should clean it, but I can’t be bothered. Jan from upstairs popped down yesterday to borrow a tenner to buy food, and I made her a cup of tea. Two mugs of tea spilled over the floor, I cursed my clumsiness, and mopped it up with my back to her while she carried on moaning about life. Are you OK? Well-
If everything was OK with me, I would have this room tidier.
-Oh, don’t worry about it.
I had to lift a pile of stuff off a seat so she could sit down.
So rather than a To Do list which might guilt me out without accomplishing anything, I thought I would have a vague list in my mind of things which it would behove me to do. I do not have to do X, but it would be good to do- a better way of looking at it than I ought to do X.
I did not go in to the CAB yesterday. After weeping wildly the night before I decided I would not, and caught myself telling myself I could do a washing. Oh, no, that would just be put off too, I must decide I can skive off the CAB and spend the day playing solitaire on the computer. Actually, I wrote a couple of posts.
The psychiatrist referred me to the Wellbeing team, and I saw Nicola this morning (Thursday). What is the problem? I get really emotional. I thought initially it was the hormones, but I went back on the original dose in February and I am still weepy. My obsession with U shames me, and is against my interests: as if I am two people, I (the voice in my head) really hate the emotional bit- and “hate” is emotion. Go figure.
I get upset doing job applications so I have not been doing them. Why? Well- “must be able to use computers”. I wrote a spreadsheet to monitor my targets, I learned Publisher so I could do a publicity leaflet for my last service, I touch type. I am really good. I got a doctor sacked. He was not doing the job, he should have been sacked, but he denied it and my tenacity got a doctor (“How DARE you impugn this man’s professional integrity?”) sacked, on the evidence of benefit claimants. Seventeen of them saying the same thing, with his boss, also a doctor, desperately trying to find any reason to disbelieve them. That was when my client went on Channel 4 News. I get interviews, I just do not get Jobs.
I have used the occasional CBT technique before, it helped me to see I was in black and white thinking mode, helped me out of that. I thought it might be CBT. Or, I have found Rogerian counselling very useful.
What she is offering is getting me to do stuff. I will make a plan to do something at a specific time. Oh. OK. This is called “Behavioural Activation”, it is CBT based, and I have had four leaflets on it which have sat in my handbag from 11am until now, 10pm, as I write this. I suppose that she can help construct plans I might actually be able to keep to, and give tips for that, and talking about it might help. There are websites and free courses I can go on. Or, I could see a relationship counsellor, at the surgery. My GP would have to refer me. They don’t tend to do both at once, it is a bit mindblowing.
So now I am a “Service-user”. Perhaps seeing myself as that will just make me wallow in it when I need to snap out of it.
What about all this self-knowledge and healing stuff? Well, actually I think I am healthier now than I was when I was presenting male. More accepting, more integrated, not building up or suppressing the anger so much.