Child abuse

https://i2.wp.com/upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/49/Jimmy_Savile_PICT6249a.jpgPædophiles are wicked- but not uniquely wicked.

“On the seg”, the segregation unit in prisons where sex offenders and others are kept for their own safety, ordinary decent rapists despise the pædophiles. Outside, if they are known, they are driven away with violence.

I met one, who had served seven years in prison for “USI”. I needed the abbreviation explained- “underage sexual intercourse”. He was a broken man, old before his time, and I felt revulsion merely talking to him. He had a keyring with several fobs, each with a picture of a child, and I had to ask him to put it away, I could not look away from it or bear to look at it while I saw it.

Then he phoned me and complained for twenty minutes about dreadful things which had happened to him, but I could not get a handle on what exactly had happened or why. I asked him, “What do you want me to do?” He said,

“I want you to make it so I don’t have to fear any more.”

My heart went out to him. I wished I could do that for him.

Pædophiles have a unique place for our society. Their every act is tainted by that evil, so Jimmy Savile’s charitable work is mere hypocrisy, a shield for his perversions. I understand they themselves compartmentalise their lives, separating the evil out. But- we all do that, making excuses for our bad acts, which are not the true Me anyway. The evil sits in the darkness, unacknowledged, projected onto others. Pædophiles make such a wonderful scapegoat. Everyone may despise and loathe them.

In part, I sympathise because I, too, make a good scapegoat, a cat to kick.https://i2.wp.com/upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/ce/Bundesarchiv_Bild_183-1989-0322-506%2C_Adolf_Hitler%2C_Kinderbild.jpg I am minding my own business and a man passing hisses, “fucking nonce”. Where did his anger come from? Nothing to do with me, I am just convenient for displacing it, making him feel righteous and powerful. Ordinary decent thieves and murderers “pay their debt to society” and go free. Ordinary decent people without a criminal record- perhaps through luck alone- muddle through, somehow.

We are all such a mixture, courage and cowardice, sensitivity and coarseness, strength and weakness. O God, let me know my own hate and anger, so I may not trip over it. This is the truth behind the need to love everyone, to have no-one beneath the level of compassion, beautifully illustrated here. If we can love the unloveable, we may even be able to love ourselves. Hat tip to j.

Biblical references: Do not cast the first stone. Forgive your neighbour not seven times, but seventy times seven. Matthew 18:35:

 This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.’

Why? Because we cannot love ourselves if we see others as unloveable. This is not God being vindictive, but the natural consequence of our attitudes. The moment of opening my heart to Everyone is the moment of opening my heart to myself.

33 thoughts on “Child abuse

  1. Clare, have you ever met a paedophile’s victim or victims? What separates paedophile and any other child abuser, including abusive parents and/or those close to a child, from any other criminal, is the very fact that their victim is a CHILD! Not another adult who can either defend themselves, or call for help, no, their victims are CHILDREN! Powerless, defenceless, innocent children whose lives are forever ruined by those crimes including crime of neglect! Just few days ago three years old baby girl died here as a result of horrific abuses, including sexual abuses, her step-father inflicted upon her over no less than 18 months’ time, while the little girl’s mother lived in the same house! Those were adults to whose care that CHILD has been placed! Three years old CHILD … and they were the only people she had!

    I carried my only child in me from one part of this globe to another to save her. I worked each hour of each day for the last 18 years to provide for that child. She is 18 now. She is beautiful. She is safe. Because I kept her safe. It was my duty to do so! The second I conceived her it became my duty! I believe in love, freedom and humanity above else. I offer my help freely to all and have helped many. I despise violence and cruelty of any kind. But trust upon on my word; there would have been no mercy if anything happened to my girl.

    Daniela

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    • I have. I have met one person in particular crushed by that experience. It is a foul act of destruction. I do not want to minimise it.

      And- there are other senseless, vile acts of destruction. Sometimes a mere burglary is enough to send someone over the edge. Many people are destroyed, crushed, driven to suicide by “blameless, respectable” members of society. And the paedophile is a bogeyman, to threaten and instil fear in parents as well as children, and a scapegoat, to take on himself anger and hatred which is needed to be aimed at its proper target, its actual cause.

      I want the paedophile prevented from his criminal acts. Circles of Support and Accountability is a good start. I want him punished no more than is proportionate- in a society which can afford it that should be by no more than loss of liberty, for a time- and then I want him to have freedom from fear, just as I want for everyone.

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  2. Clare,
    You so bravely broach these difficult subjects. Patty Digh’s essay touched my heart to to core. And as Eve Ensler was quoted in that essay: “There is no other. It is all an illusion.” And unfortunately our society will only be safe when everyone gets that. Thank you.
    Cathy

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    • I empathise because I find something in common in me with such people- the being scapegoated. As Daniela says, they do monstrous things, by which I have not personally been affected- not even having children of my own. I have met two, which makes empathy easier. And- expanding empathy is an essential exercise. Thank you for commenting.

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  3. This is such a hard subject. I admire your clearer stand on it. And I’m grateful for your sharing the truth that our ability to love the unlovable other is directly tied to our ability to love what is “unlovable” in ourselves.

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    • One of the most moving things I have ever heard was “I thank my abuser”- the woman explained she would not be where she was now, without her experiences. I met her son, aged about six, whom I found lovely: she was not passing the consequences of that abuse onto him. I meet so many hippyish mums with gorgeous children.

      In the human conversation we grope towards the truth of Love. Each person, from their particular experiences, has something to offer on it.

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    • Thank you.

      I empathise not because I am uniquely gifted, but because I am cursed: I suffer irrational hatred. And because of my compulsion. My compulsion- to express myself female- is harmless, and I called it Monstrous; theirs, which is monstrous, I understand some of them persuade themselves is harmless- and both are irrational compulsion.

      When I call the hatred of paedophiles “irrational”, I assert there is a proportionate anger and hatred at their vile acts and their threat, but when that anger and hatred knows no bounds, as with some people, it is irrational.

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  4. It is not a hard subject. As the former Director of the Sexual Abuse Treatment Team at a major teaching hospital in an large, East Coast city, here’s the DISCERNMENT most people don’t make – including the author of this blog. That is, we can, indeed, at some level, understand the core need (which we all share – the need for love) but WE DO NOT CONDONE the behavior.

    Let’s not “sympathize” with psychopaths. Doing so condones the behavior and continues to allow it. Big mistake, even if expressed through some naive notion of “universal love.” Don’t fall for it. Because, you know what? THEY do no sympathize with you, nor the children they have raped and murdered for their own twisted idea of “love.” And they would not hesitate, for one second, to do it to you.

    Where they belong is on isolated islands away from the human populace where they no longer do any harm to anyone but themselves – and I am most happy for them to do unto themselves what they have done to others.

    They are not rehabilitatable, nor do they belong amongst us. So, Clare, if you want to go have group empathizing sessions with them – go right ahead. Naive, at best. And I write not from anger but from absolute clear understanding of where these non-humans come from, based on years of experience and thousands of interviews. “Love” isn’t going to cure them of anything because they do not have any themselves. They have no empathic connection to other human beings and I am not sure why you are “giving” them something they do not have – nor are capable of cultivating.

    Adults are here to ensure the safety and well-being of those most vulnerable in our society – children and animals. Would you, dear Clare, sacrifice that responsibility in order to empathize with and hold hands with pedophiles? If you would, well, I’m not bringing my kids to your house.

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    • Thank you for commenting, and thank you for bringing your expertise here.

      Is it the case that all paedophiles are, without exception, psychopathic?

      I do not want group empathising sessions for myself, but instead to treat the two individuals I met knowingly as human beings. I want proportionate condemnation and punishment, and rehabilitation if at all possible.

      What do you think of the Circles of Support and Accountability? They would not work, I imagine, with psychopaths.

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      • I think you need to do some research into what human beings are and are not. Lots of entities in human form that are not “human beings.”

        My bottom line is: my loyalties lie with those who come into my home and my LOVE to ensure they are safe, secure and protected so they can relax. No, breaking bread with pedophiles doesn’t fit into that reality. Go ahead if you want to, but I have serious doubts as to your judgment.

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      • I am also not talking about “condemnation” here. They are simply NOT allowed in my field of reference or experience. That’s not condemnation, dear. I suggest a bit more contemplation and reflection and discernment around these issues on your part.

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  5. I didn’t read any of these comments – but, did you just compare your situation to that of a pedophile. Really? If I were you I’d be very worried – your sick – very sick. Maybe this is a glimpse into your own not yet fully realized – pedophile tendencies. Get help before you ruin a your persons life – FOREVER.

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    • Thank you for commenting. No, I am not going to abuse a child. I find the thought of sexual activity with children as repulsive as most people do.

      If you read what I wrote more carefully, you will see that I compare my situation to that of a paedophile in that I, too, am the subject of irrational hatred. I do not want to minimise the condemnation paedophiles actually deserve, but they seem to suffer unlimited hatred, and that seems wrong to me. The prejudice I suffer gives me a view into their humanity.

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      • “suffer unlimited hatred” – sorry, but there’s something wrong with your logic. There’s something buried underneath all of your words – you have a problem. Pedophiles take advantage of young children, and ruin their lives – FOREVER!!! Do you get that? We’re done here. My suggestion to you is that you explore the sympathy that you may have for any pedophile – and, more imprtantly, that you examine why you have no problem comparing yourself to such horrible human beings. They’re stealing a child’s innocence – and, changing them forever; ruining their chances for intimacy. Get help!

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        • “Ruin their lives- FOREVER!!!” No. Not true. I know one woman who has transfigured and transcended the damage she suffered from abuse as a child. The human spirit is strong.

          I do not seek to minimise the wrong done, and I am not going to commit such a wrong. You illustrate my point beautifully: you think even the suggestion that one might have sympathy for a paedophile is a sign of paedophilia. That goes beyond rational hatred.

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          • I will confesss – I haven’t bothered to read your comment. But, I have one last parting comment:

            Do you have a sister? Let’s assume she’s six – is it ok for someone to rape her. You don’t think a rape would change her forever? What about a brother – do you have one? Is it ok for an older man to take him down an alley and brutally rape him. What if your brother can’t live with the rape and he later commits suicide – is that ok? Do these rapist deserve sympathy because they couldn’t control and urge to hurt someone – FOREVER! I hope your readers understand that you don’t represent transgenders. The fact that you can’t seem to see how wrong it is to hurt children – and, you can still defend your position – is quite telling. Or, your problem might be that you’re simply – an idiot.

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            • Your idiocy is shown by the suggestion that I might represent trans folk. Utterly batty.

              Your inability to see that I have not condoned sexual violence, and am not arguing that it might ever be condoned, makes your comments entirely worthless except to prove the point I made in my post. Thank you for that.

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  6. This is radical love. It’s hard isn’t it? Unpopular isn’t it? I bet and can see that you are taking a lot of flack for it. This is the way Christ loves. All sin is this revolting to Him but he loves us and feel with us regardless. It not a condoning or tolerance, it’s seeing humanity in humanity. You are brave.

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    • Thank you. That means a lot, after what Rachel wrote. I Thessalonians 5:14-18

      “And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.
      Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

      I saw that in a comment here just now. Debbie says there is too much emphasis on the “hate the sin” bit, which anyway comes from St Augustine rather than from the Bible.

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      • If you click on the picture, you get its source, which says who it is. I included him because he is another human being beyond the pale, responsible for millions of deaths, and yet when I heard of his rantings in the bunker- “there is no honour left”, etc- I felt pity. And there, he is a pretty baby.

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  7. You know, people like you who quote the bible, the brainchild of stupid little boy thinking, to justify your collusions with pedophiles, is seriously, seriously demented.

    As I said before, if you want to hold hands and make love with psychopaths, sir, well, I certainly am not going to invite you into my house, nor allow you to caretake my children. Go keep company with sickos – not in my neighborhood. And, no, I am not “homophobic.” I am, in fact, a queer. But your really warped idea of equating acceptance of queerness with “love” for pedophiles is, well, psychopathic. So, you are in good company with pedophiles. Enjoy yourselves. Yuck, Puke. bye bye.

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    • Wow. An astrologer speaks. One who tells deliberate ridiculous lies about the solar system for financial gain speaks. “Sir” you say. Deliberate insults, no need for arguments when you can insult instead. And, still has not bothered to read what I wrote, or has not understood it. It is not difficult to understand, astrologer.

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      • I actually have no idea how you define yourself in a gender way. You haven’t made it clear to me anyway, what your sexual orientation or physical gender is. Sorry if the “sir” bothered you. Although your overt support of pedophiles (98% of whom are male) indicates a male bias toward the world. Again, no offense intended, but the orientation is clearly toward defending male pedophiles on your part. Mea culpa. Obvious that both immature boys and girls can summon the sick impetus to defend abusers. Whichever one you want to choose to be, boy or girl, is irrelevant to me.

        And, uh, well, dear, I am NOT into lots of profit at all. I maintain a very small financial footprint on the planet, by design. Not sure where you are pulling all of my “solar lies” out of your thin hair, but, perhaps, you might want to regroup and think before you speak of my work, of which you clearly know nothing of.

        So, in parting, sir/madam, you have clearly declared yourself a lover and supporter of pedophiles. I so do not stand at all with that warped sense of “love.” Have a nice time with your friends who like to rape children, dear madam/sir.

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  8. In fairness, I did have to review your blog. You know, you write posts called “I am a man,” and then post pictures in full beard as well as in girly make-up. You seem to have a serious ambivalence and/or a manipulative streak in how you present yourself at any given time.

    And, let us be clear. I have NEVER, EVER used any astrological garbage to back up my position, unlike your quotations of biblical passages to support your own.

    So, your ridiculous attacks of me as “an astrologer” are completely unfounded. I have spoken to you as one human being to another, period. Although I do have my doubts as to the depth of your humanity.

    There is a saying: “There is no ambivalence on a moving train.” Well, sir/madam, whichever one you claim to be at any given moment, you clearly have thrown your loyalties to psychopathic rapists of children. And, no, I do not hold to your facile header of “allow, accept, appreciate.” It’s one thing to honor the privacy and choices of ADULTS in any consensual relationship.

    But is a very sick idea to apply to child victims, who do not have the cognitive abilities for consensual sex, to justify yourself and your pedophiliac friends.

    What I say to you is, with that attitude, you will find the door slammed in your face at my house, because I will never, ever acquiesce to violating the safety and security of children for the perverted pleasures of child rapists. Okay? Got it now? Good luck with your choice. It should all make us want to vomit.

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    • “In fairness” you say. Ha.

      “Astrological rubbish” you say, yet your “about” page describes you as an “astrologer” in the first paragraph. Do not take your inner conflicts out on me.

      I don’t think I have posted a full beard photograph. And we do have to live male before transition, you know. Is your deliberate misunderstanding of what I write, deliberately failing to see that I do not condone or tolerate paedophile actions in any way, anti-transsexual prejudice?

      “Got it now?” you patronise, but you are the one who fails to understand. Paedophile actions are monstrous, yes. I have never denied it. Circles of support and accountability successfully work with paedophiles to prevent them. You doubt the depth of my humanity, yet you refuse compassion to the paedophile who is too broken to hurt anyone.

      The post which prompted mine was about a paedophile in prison, where he cannot harm children. He repels me, just as the two paedophiles I have knowingly met repel me. My point is that I need to extend my compassion to that person. You do too. This has nothing to do with condoning his acts or remitting just punishment.

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  9. Pingback: Sometimes you have to simply stop and think | From One Crazy Life To Another

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