Albertine

The Narrator writes from the perspective of an older man, looking back on his deluded affair with Albertine, leading to their marriage. She never loved him, he never loved her, they were caught in their illusions. And so it seems that there is no joy in any of their meetings. Why are they meeting again, I ask myself.

I thought I wanted something, and thought I might have it, and felt joy. Now I think I probably won’t.

But- even if the perception was wrong, the belief illusory, the joy need not be. There was joy for a moment, even if based on falsehood, and it was real joy. I wish to delight in every scrap of joy, there is little enough of it. Actually, I am not absolutely certain the belief is illusory- and I hate unknowing, I would have preferred to destroy the possibility just so’s I could Know. I have to recognise that, and consciously resist it.

And- that what I wanted is probably illusory does not take the joy from the situation as it is, which has delight too.

In Meeting, Peter ministered on his son and son-in-law walking in Switzerland while he and his daughter pottered about, getting a little worried they were taking so long, and his joy on their return was like the joy of the father of the Prodigal Son, it seemed to him.

Another lesson on being positive rather than negative. Being positive I have so much more delight, so much more motivation and energy. My hurts have nearly overwhelmed me, and so that is the only way to be. There is enough hurt, without dwelling on it.

Trans women in the Kama Sutra: There are two kinds of eunuchs, those that are disguised as males, and those that are disguised as females. Eunuchs disguised as females imitate their dress, speech, gestures, tenderness, timidity, simplicity, softness and bashfulness. The acts that are done on the jaghana or middle parts of women, are done in the mouths of these eunuchs, and this is called Auparishtaka. These eunuchs derive their imaginable pleasure, and their livelihood from this kind of congress, and they lead the life of courtesans. So much concerning eunuchs disguised as females. Thanks to Shiva Shakti.

At the CAB conference, a session for managers, we discussed this scenario: a volunteer who is a wealthy parent tells a lone parent on benefits, “these people should not have children if they cannot afford to keep them”, and then complains when the lone parent goes off on one. How should we handle the situation? My hackles start to rise at the words “these people”- these people are individuals- and I wanted the wealthy volunteer to be persuaded of that. Others say that her attitudes do not matter- as long as she obeys the rules, including not saying things like that, and provides the service according to the rules, she may think what she likes. I want her able to say what she believes, and to be challenged constructively. What do you think?

and- “Admit to what you feel greedy about. It will point to your most tender desire.”
~ Danielle LaPorte, truthbomb.

I love all of me.
I love the greed, and the meanness, and the cowardice
I love the whining and the self-pity,
I love the stupidity and the stolidity
and the ugliness.
I love the lack of spontaneity
and the voice which says I am play-acting.
It is in those parts of myself which I judge and condemn that-

what? Not sure, and I am asserting that because it feels right rather than because I have really taken that into myself. It is at the least, part of this whole human being which I must love and care for.

Added: Rumi wrote something similar:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

6 thoughts on “Albertine

    • English as well, for people born in the late 19th century: Williamina, Ernestina, often abbreviated to “Ina”. Some resent the way it is a male name with a “feminine ending” tacked on, seen as taking away the power and value of the person’s Womanhood. Interesting you should see it as giving power.

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      • I see it as transgressing gender stereotypes. A Tiffany is expected to bleach her hair, have a shrill voice and wear pink. An Armandine (my great-great grandmother’s name) wasn’t tied to expectations of overt femininity. I can even see it in the pictures 😀

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        • Yes. Wonderful if that opens possibilities, choices and opportunities; bad if it constrains. As you put it, I am more a Tiffany than an Armandine- and if the name liberates the person to be herself, then it is blessed. Or “a good thing” if you want to go all Materialiist on me.

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  1. I love that quote, it pretty much says it all. This world lives under so much constraint, fearful of just being and letting others be. I won’t rope myself into a mold or judgee myself for what is tied to my spirit. I trust that the world will have many judgements and that is enough for me to handle. Hopes, dreams, truth and honesty, acceptance must come from within, it’s not for anyone to embrace or not the human and the humanity that exists for each person.

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