U, who fascinated and enchanted me, suggested we meet at her friend’s house (this was in October). But before we met, J had something very important to tell me. J believed that in a previous life I had been female, and that was why I felt female now, the former life was so strong in me. U suggested J did a Shamanic journey with me.
This was all too much for me, and I said I do not want a Shamanic journey, can we not just have a meal together? And U said, if I did not want to go to her friend’s, she did not want to see me. Oh well, if my fantasy of a relationship with her had not crashed down then, it would have crashed down very shortly after. It was my inner rationalist coming out, I find some of this New Age stuff very difficult to thole. Someone saying with complete belief, and as if it were as simple as speaking of her birth in “this” life, something which I find irrational remains difficult for me. And brought up Christian I had no exposure to serious belief in reincarnation.
The trouble is, I may very well feel female now because former lives are strong within me, but why am I lesbian? I have seen the suggestion that it is because I was male in a former life, so attracted to women. Where does that leave me? As a joke, I suggested that in a former life I was a butch lesbian, and I thought butches have a raw deal, it is far easier for Femmes, and prayed to come back as a Femme. And some demon heard me. M said that I do not come across as a girly-girl. Drat. Well, it was a Demon.
Here is a suggestion that gay people were the other sex in a former life. Trouble with that is that it suggests, for a lesbian who is not trans, that there is something male about her desiring a woman- that there is something incomplete in her Womanliness. There may be male or unfeminine bits in me but I resent the suggestion that being attracted to women is necessarily one of them.
Also it implies that some explanation is needed. It is OK for a woman to be attracted to another woman because she was a man in a former life. But being lesbian is as natural and normal as being straight. I need no reason to be lesbian rather than straight, or trans rather than cis. Some women appear male, and are attracted to women. That is the way it is.
Being trans has caused me a great deal of pain, and as I move towards self-acceptance two possibilities occur to me. Either this is a particularly difficult problem, and I have done exceptionally well over many previous lifetimes to face it now, or it is a comparatively simple problem, but I find it difficult because I have had few previous lifetimes.
Being trans is good for me and good for the World, and I seek the good in it.
First picture © Himalayan Academy Publications, Kapaa, Kauai, Hawaii.