Growth points?

I have had times over the past year when I imagined that I had learned life lessons: that I do not need to be accepted as female, but am entitled to courtesy; that I can be my vulnerable self, rather than hiding in my shell; that I need to trust myself and the world, rather than be in fear; that I did not trust my feelings, but if I could, then I can mitigate the anger and fear I feel as a reaction to those feelings; that I need to forgive myself, all my decisions and the situation I have reached. How am I getting on with them?

I first got out of my shell in February 1999, my spiritual awakening. I still struggle with that.

Of course knowing that these practices are necessary does not mean that I may drop into them immediately and habitually. It is a year since I started blogging, thinking that I could see being transsexual as a blessing and that that was Pupating; and one main reason for writing here is to self-examine in public, to try and learn these lessons and take them into my heart, so I may face the World better. The great blessing was seeing how negative I was, and deciding to be positive, and that has worked through in other lessons since, including these. It has helped me to see how great my difficulties were.

I spend a lot of time switched off, watching telly or playing on blogs, and that is OK.

I think now I can say

This, here, now, is a good place to be

rather than “This has been a good place to be”, lashing myself with Oughts.

I still wrestle with thinking and feeling. I am female, and so I feel that I need to express myself female, and I was born with testicles, so I still passionately want to make intellectual sense of that, and can’t. Or, I still have a Why Me resentment of it, I have not yet accepted that so difficult part of my own self. Though now it is my non-acceptance, rather than the World’s, here, now, that makes it so difficult for me. I spend more time in that situation I call Presence, primarily in my senses and aware of what is around me, and having thought that simply wonderful and a Spiritual Way, am exploring its value and the value of other ways of being, and how they might fit together. That is good and necessary work.

On Spiritual healing: with no-one to practise on, I do on myself, and feel the heat in my hands. Others may think me irrational or unChristian, but it feels right to me. On Karate, I watched the boxing in the Olympics with interest- how does he move his feet, how does he move around the ring? Before, I have found it disgusting. On blogging, I find I can make headlines italic, but not in other fonts, and when they appear in “top posts” the html tag is spelled out.

File:Buenos Aires-Plaza Congreso-Pensador de Rodin.jpgA year ago, I wrote in my diary, “It is blessing to be transsexual. It is blessing to be me” and today, Monday 13th, I wrote

It is Blessing to be as feminine as I am,
to have the depth of sensibility I have,
even while being born with testicles.

Is this any different? Am I merely ruminating?

I think I am going deeper, working out the consequences, freeing myself at the right pace from the self-rejection and self-loathing. I really am two people (at least), the feminine response and the terrified suppression. I think I make progress, and if at the moment that blue text feels like a statement of faith which I need to grow to accept even though it is so strongly foreshadowed in what I wrote a year ago, this is the process I want to go through, now.

5 thoughts on “Growth points?

  1. I say be who you feel yourself to be, allow the natural flow of the universe to embrace you and don’t pressure yourself. You are a beautiful human being and you do not need to be defined with a label of female, transexual or anything else. You are you 🙂


  2. Check out this video on YouTube:

    Hi Clare I am interested in how this video and it’s message feels to you. Also there is more here,
    Your religious beliefs are interesting to me and within these communications with the Elohim there are many points that match with your inner quest. Let me know what you think as I have just stumbled upon this and am both curious and excited by the way these messages are being shared.


    • I was glowering at someone, because I wanted to chat to the woman on my right and he was engaging her attention. And- thank you. This weekend I feel nurtured and warmed and strengthened, and will blog on it in due course.


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