Anchorite

If I am to trust my instincts, the Collective Unconscious, and my unconscious self,
so that as my body picks the muscles necessary for a task,
so also my Highest Self crafts my responses in a situation,
then I must respond out of Love and not Fear, Love which includes Trust.
Love for that Highest Self. Love for others as myself.
Perfect Love driveth out all fear.

Cos I’m terrified. I really am. All that checking, all that obsessive
checking, past, present and future, all that rumination of the Monkey mind
constantly stressed, reliving the stress, looking for reasons to fear,
collecting them, hoarding them, examining them, picking over them-
Old Fear, current Fear-

The answer is God, that is, Love.
And- this is not nice, this is not sweet

I want to scream,
I Hate you All
Fuck off, and Die

and still be accepted.
So I have to do the accepting.
I still have to do the accepting.

Or, how about this?
I want to be free to- scream “fuck off and die”, whatever
if I need to, if I choose to, and not be seeking acceptance.
To choose whatever and accept any bad consequences for the benefit I gain.
That is what I imagine I might gain from self-acceptance.

This is the mechanism. I feel anger or fear caused by an external stimulus.
I then feel anger and fear that I have that feeling. I am afraid of my own feeling.
Then, because the feelings are so unbearable, I shut down my awareness of them.
I need to accept all these painful feelings,
accept my own emotional being and my reactions to reality.
Then my feelings will work for me. Then my self-protection will protect me.
Seeing this, and working on it, is worth the time I spend on it.

How might I look when I have done this work? I don’t know.
My speculation on that, insofar as it is inaccurate, is a barrier to the work.
I need to accept and trust the result.
_______________

I love Danielle LaPorte’s “Inspiration driven questions”:

The fear-driven questions of human interaction…

What will they think of me? I better do what will make me look good.
What do they expect of me? I better give them what they want, when they want it.
What can I get from them? I better be clever to get what I want.

Liberation-driven questions:

Is this moving me forward?
Do I feel more like myself?
Does this feel expansive or contracting?
How can I be generous here?

8 thoughts on “Anchorite

  1. Dear Clare

    You is terrified – of life? Of what you will discover? Of finding out that, really, underneath it all, you are horrible? Terrified that you are or will be unloved? That if you say, “Fuck off, the lot of you?” you will be abandoned and hated and spat on?

    Welcome to the world, my friend, and to all the worlds within worlds around which we get lost in such fears.

    Unconditional love, looks, sees, and smiles. It soothes our fears and understands them all, and in the midst of our torture, it says, “I always loved you, you know, even from a small child, even as a youngster, even growing older and losiing your hair. Come away from that barbed wire, and look over there at the sunrise. Here, come and take my hand. I love you. Always, for ever.”

    About you, these are my sentiments exactly, and any time you would like to yell and scream at me to piss off, that is just fine. It takes courage to leap into that void, but there are always hands at the bottom to catch us.

    Thank you for your honesty. Have a wonderful day.

    XXXX :-))

    Like

  2. Clare, you have articulated that inner turmoil here so well. Need acceptance… Accept the other… Accept what comes… Accept my needs, accept them being met/not being met… Sometimes I hate it too. Why am I the one who has to take the high road, dammit???

    I suspect there are connections between us all that go deeper than we can imagine (I actually think the search for God may really be a search for each other). I have moments when I can almost breathe that idea, and know that harming another is harming myself. It’s hardest when I perceive that I am (or a beloved one is) the one being harmed.

    Like

  3. PS – I like the colors/font, but I lost a few of the words at the end of some lines, they are hidden by the righthand column and I can’t resize; am using firefox.

    Like

    • Thank you for letting me know. Here is the text:
      If I am to trust my instincts, the Collective Unconscious, and my unconscious self,
      so that as my body picks the muscles necessary for a task,
      so also my Highest Self crafts my responses in a situation,
      then I must respond out of Love and not Fear, Love which includes Trust.
      Love for that Highest Self. Love for others as myself.
      Perfect Love driveth out all fear.

      Cos I’m terrified. I really am. All that checking, all that obsessive
      checking, past, present and future, all that rumination of the Monkey mind
      constantly stressed, reliving the stress, looking for reasons to fear,
      collecting them, hoarding them, examining them, picking over them-
      Old Fear, current Fear-

      The answer is God, that is, Love.
      And- this is not nice, this is not sweetI want to scream,
      I Hate you All
      Fuck off, and Die
      and still be accepted.
      So I have to do the accepting.
      I still have to do the accepting.

      Or, how about this?
      I want to be free to- scream “fuck off and die”, whatever
      If I need to, if I choose to, and not be seeking acceptance.
      To choose whatever and accept any bad consequences for the benefit I gain.
      That is what I imagine I might gain from self-acceptance.

      This is the mechanism. I feel anger or fear caused by an external stimulus.
      I then feel anger and fear that I have that feeling. I am afraid of my own feeling.
      Then, because the feelings are so unbearable, I shut down my awareness of them.
      I need to accept all these painful feelings,
      accept my own emotional being and my reactions to reality.
      Then my feelings will work for me. Then my self-protection will protect me.
      Seeing this, and working on it, is worth the time I spend on it.

      How might I look when I have done this work? I don’t know.
      My speculation on that, insofar as it is inaccurate, is a barrier to the work.
      I need to accept and trust the result.

      Like

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