Toddler is cried into silence. Mummy looks at toddler worriedly. Mummy says, "Is there anything you want?" Silence. "Would you like a biscuit?" That was the pretext of the last battle.
Mummy reaches out, and sets her off again.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
I understand, I assure you. I need to get myself a job, get out among people, earn money, support myself, get myself out of this stuckness. Or do something I enjoy doing, cheer myself up, stop being so negative. And all my
is capable of, all she can manage at the moment, is NO.
In the sauna I complain my nipples are wrong, and get the standard feminine response, that they are absolutely fine, that there is a huge variation in nipples. And this upsets me more, because it is not relieving this anxiety but devaluing my greater anxiety, that I look like a man, I look like a tranny. Or someone says "Your skin is so soft!" and I hear surprise, and I hear, underneath, "You're a man, you're a tranny, how come your skin is so soft?" Though perhaps that implication is not intended.
Lighting the fire, fanning the flames-
I am, no, not normal, no-one is normal, but-
How can I take that into myself? How can I breathe it in? It seems clearer, kneeling in my ritual space. It seems strengthened when I tap into the Universe to refresh my Qi. So, despite the apparently intellectual objections, this cannot be real, this cannot make sense, etc, etc, yada yada yada I need to do that.