Toddler

Toddler is cried into silence. Mummy looks at toddler worriedly. 
Mummy says, "Is there anything you want?"

Silence.

"Would you like a biscuit?" That was the pretext of the last battle.
NO
Mummy reaches out, and sets her off again.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
 
I understand, I assure you. I need to get myself a job, get out among 
people, earn money, support myself, get myself out of this stuckness. 
Or do something I enjoy doing, cheer myself up, stop being so negative. 
And all my 
I WANT
is capable of, all she can manage at the moment, is NO.
In the sauna I complain my nipples are wrong, and get the standard 
feminine response, that they are absolutely fine, that there is a huge 
variation in nipples. And this upsets me more, because it is not relieving 
this anxiety but devaluing my greater anxiety, that I look like a man, 
I look like a tranny.

Or someone says "Your skin is so soft!" and I hear surprise, and I hear, 
underneath,
"You're a man, you're a tranny, how come your skin is so soft?" 
Though perhaps that implication is not intended.
 
Lighting the fire, 

fanning the flames-
 
I am, no, not normal, no-one is normal, but-
Acceptable.
 How can I take that into myself? How can I breathe it in? 
It seems clearer, kneeling in my ritual space.
It seems strengthened when I tap into the Universe to refresh my Qi. 
So, despite the apparently intellectual objections, this cannot be real, this 
cannot make sense, etc, etc, yada yada yada

I need to do that.

3 thoughts on “Toddler

  1. You’re right. Sometimes what we hear and what was intended are different things. We all do that at times. Also, when clients ask me if something is normal, my answer is always – “there’s really no such thing, we’re all different.” Yes, keep breathing, it’s good to share your feelings…love, Cathy

    Like

  2. Indeed. I think when I hear surprise at my soft skin I am hearing more than is there. Pause, think, respond rather than react(!)

    I like “Acceptable” rather than “Normal”, and here I am showing off my vulnerability so that the need to hide it does not cripple me so much. And- thank you for commenting, it makes me feel heard. That increases my feeling of being acceptable.

    Like

All comments welcome.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.