File:Castle Romeo.jpg

The trouble with accepting myself and accepting and trusting my emotional being is that it works directly contrary to my interests. Take my obsession with that, yes, that, so much of my blog is about that. Best evidence I have that I am ruminating rather than progressing, not recovering but rotting away. Months go by. I am so angry with myself, I feel so completely ridiculous, yearning for the impossible which would have been impossibly painful if I could have had it-

Unpack it.

There is the Yearning. I wish I did not feel the yearning. So great is our desire for independence, our fear of needing or depending on another person- something I have noticed in other people- and our delight in giving, our delight in doing something for another, our delight in the connection it brings-

It is the human condition to be interdependent, and a terrible fear. There was that man who should retire, whose business has become unprofitable, who runs it into the ground rather than giving it up because it is his role, his independence, his proof of his own value, his way of providing for himself and his family.

I yearn for connection. I do not believe in it, really, and I yearn for it.

Then there is the anger. Anger at others- that always feels unsafe, it will produce that equal and opposite reaction, I need to suppress it-

-and when I suppress it it always remains.

So, anger at self. The emotional energy I reflexively devote to suppression. My fear of what I suppress.

And the hurt, that hurt, which I do not want to hear, and wish would go away, and bundle up with my other frightening and terrible emotions-

Now. “I still want them to go away, so I listen to them in the hope that that will make them go away”.

Or, I sit with them? Allow them? Say hello?


2 thoughts on “Explosions

  1. Dearest Clare

    I feel some of what you have felt: the pain, the yearning, the wishing it was otherwise, until I felt such grief that my throat hurt and I could not swallow. Real, physical pain from the yearning.

    And that will always be there.

    But beyond the desire to understand and to unpack, there is just….

    Accepting what is, I suppose. Just to breathe with it, rather than beating it up all the time, or analysing all its loops. Just to see it as we see it, to approach it and accept it as it is.

    XXX :-))


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