At camp

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U gave me a treatment, though I had no particular ailment, because I wished to experience it. I lie on my back in the yurt, and hold my right arm vertically upwards, as instructed resisting the pressure she puts to move it while she presses down on various parts of my body. She checks with me that the pressure is not too much. This seems to be diagnostic. Then she presses on other parts. She explains to me that the “TLA” or whatever it was is the sphincter between the large and small intestine, which opens to allow¬†matter through when all the¬†nutrients have been removed, and closes to prevent waste from returning- but with the Western diet it malfunctions¬†and opens willy-nilly. She has rebalanced it. I should avoid wheat, caffeine, alcohol and sugar for 48 hours. Sugar? I can have three pieces of fruit in a day.

Later, she asked me what I thought of it. Well. I think it is rubbish, I think the grandiose claims she makes ridiculous, but (out of fear of the consequences for me) I confined myself to the positive: I loved her manner, gentle and professional, and the pressure she placed was not painful because File:Alte Kr√ľgersdorfer Eiche 01.jpegI trusted her. S will go to London for treatment of his hiatus hernia from her. He does not fancy the keyhole surgery. I suppose it makes sense that one takes a¬†placebo for such a thing- people have spiritual healing for cancer- which requires¬†at least the apparent confidence of the practitioner. Perhaps some bodywork practice¬†is advantageous¬†for a healing placebo of physical ailments. But could I spend three years learning that practice, only believing it works out of placebo? It is necessary to learn, perhaps, those pressure points which will cause strong sensation but not¬†too great pain, or any damage.

The diagnostic element: I think it involves seeing someone, reading their reactions, just as cold reading does. That would be worth learning.

The pressure did not create the emotional component of pain because I trust her.

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That thought moved within me during the gong bath. Watching G dance with her gongs, sounding bowls and tuning forks, and hearing the sounds, is a beautiful experience. With the hormones, my feelings are heightened, and I connect with the Life problem and my misery at it. Then I had a sense that part of the pain of these feelings is my own anger, fear and resentment that I am feeling and expressing them-

and, as with U, if I can trust my own emotional being, trust that the misery is not harmful, then I can accept it, and accept myself. The feelings just are, the File:Lake Atsion 4.jpgemotional component of the pain of them- anger and fear that I am feeling them- can just drop away.

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That afternoon, I had a task, to make soft eye contact and connection. I found myself thinking about how often I blinked and how I looked, generally distracted, and felt deep irritation at myself for not doing what I had set myself to do. That was the self-acceptance lesson I needed, having pledged to self-acceptance: accepting “bad” or uncomfortable emotions.

I feel this could be intensely empowering, if I may practise it: to accept my own emotional being, accept my own feelings. Hear them and not deny them, trusting the goodness of their source.

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Every time I am in U’s presence I am intensely conscious of her. Oh, I wish I were not. And of her partner, a man. How could she go with a man? Oh, D is a decent bloke, solid, dependable, wise, even- a lot better for her than I would be, and still-

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