I have hidden my light under a bushel. This is how I perceive it:
Now, I have not worked since March 2011, and have only applied for one job this year. I am living off my savings which will last the rest of this year. I spend much of my time in my living room, blogging. I am intensely lonely. Possibly because of hormonal imbalances, I weep daily.
I have raw, incohate, undeveloped talent in performing and in healing, and I am taking some action to develop these. I blame myself for not taking such action earlier- I am 46.
I am transsexual, and people who spend a little time with me notice this. I could do more work on my voice- it has far greater power below the break than above it. I am filled with resentment at being visibly queer, even though I meet little outright hostility- even, a great deal of acceptance. That is it- I resent myself, I want to be other than I am, I want to be normal and to blend in.
I am doing spiritual growth stuff, again not fast enough for my liking. I have been using the metaphor of pupating for thirteen years. I have an image of me working with ease and delight and earning a good income, and I resent the gap from reality.
I view myself and the world with a paralysing mix of resentment, anger and self-pity. And disgust. I harangue myself- you want it to be easy, don’t you, you want all the work to be done. It seems to me that it should be easy. I should unite with healing groups, train in performance, get a job to earn money while doing this-
Or, possibly, I see the step to take, and do not take it because I know it will be too painful and difficult.
Added: If I am a freak, that serves my interests and keeps me safe. That is, if I know I am a “freak”, I can withdraw from human contact, protect myself from it, and so avoid the possibility of hurt when it goes wrong. And of course prevent the possibility of it going right. I can avoid those painful distressing feelings.
It’s not the despair. I can stand the despair. It’s the hope.
–Clockwise, Michael Frayn
Just like so many of the lies I tell myself, there is a certain amount of evidence that it is true- and it is just not. My wise friend emailed me,
I know you’re in a difficult place. But, I feel you have enormous, generous love and light in your heart and soul and like so many of us, fail to nurture yourself with it during hard times. Really hope you find your way to enable you to turn up your inner light: NOW. Right away! Don’t be defeated! You are a strong woman! You have worked hard at being authentic and true to yourself. Watch yourself develop and grow when you switch over “to the light”. I know you can.
Just keep going!!!!
I can listen to my friends.
This post touched me … life is never easy isn’t it? Not for any of us, irrespective of any descriptor we use either by choice or habit. By descriptor I mean; black, white, catholic, straight, transsexual … whatever. Those are just words used to aid so called classification, which is nothing more than a method by which we place ourselves into certain label drawers. Without those descriptions we are all simply humans. Part of the same human family … in which membership is often precondition by loneliness. Human existence is solitary. Modern life made it even more so.
I am your age and live alone on the other side of the world after surviving a war, exile, single parenting, and many other things besides. I have a lovely daughter who is making strides in her own life. When (earlier this year) I found myself alone after many years in which every hour of every day has been filled by caring for my girl, I realize that the two of us, (myself and I) are not really sure what to do with each other. It was writing that I turned to. It sustained me. It opened the door for me through which I am discovering a little bit more of self every day. It is not easy but it is worth it.
I hope you do not mind me saying this … I guess you know it already – all those negative feelings (anger, self-pity and similar) serve no other purpose except blocking the light from coming into your life. Do not let it. Life is precious … trust me – I have seen lots of death.
With Best Wishes
Croatia? That war, as a mother, our age? Oh! And then exile-
Thank you for commenting, and the so gentle way you approach it. Yes, I block out the light, and I also let it in, and my pressing issue is to learn how to let it in better. And I deny that I am blocking, because illusion appears comforting, so stripping away illusion is useful. And I feel I have made moves forward, which I will share over the next week. I so need to consolidate them!
Yes, I trust you.
Dearest Clare, first I’d like to respond to the part where you said you would like to be “normal” and fit in. Sweetheart you do fit in. You are part of the world, and the world has ALWAYS had its variety and spice. And that is you, one of the spices in life. Live it up and try to learn to fully love yourself and be happy that you are NOT the boring “normal.” Normal is good and has its purpose, but without the spice how bland the world would be indeed. The world needs you my darling. You are interesting and you are loved. You also had the incredible courage to be what you are. Please don’t ever underestimate the beauty of just that in itself.
As far as working goes, I could be wrong and please correct me if I am but I think, and you indicate that you have only looked for a job once this year, but I think that perhaps you are letting yourself indulge in negative thoughts which may be increasing your feelings of depression. One can’t just “snap out of” these things, so learn on a daily basis, as much as you feel comfortable with, to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. It isn’t easy I know. But it CAN be done becuase my partner of 23 years Russ is living proof. We all have to work for anything we want in life, including happiness. Focus in on your strengths and cherish your good heart and the good you do. Realize that you are wonderful and have the potential, like everyone, to be even more wonderful. Stop pitying yourself and turn your thoughts in the opposite direction. Accentuate your good qualities, embrace them and heal YOURSELF. Feed yourself happiness on a daily basis and don’t allow yourself to have your “pity party.” (I hate that expression but sometimes we all throw that party for ourselves, and sometimes that’s okay, but definately not when you make that party a habit or indulge in it more than a couple times a year).
And what is this next step? Are you implying something drastic? Please remember that, even though it can be incredibly rough, life is a gift and we need to learn how to live it in the best way we can. Your spirituality as a base first, everyone else second. Why don’t you start volunteering outside of your church by doing something for others on a more personal level? It always helps us get out of ourselves when we unselfishly help others. Go online and see what your options are in your area. Helping others will help yourself too. I know you must realize that when you are in the world you are probably immediately viewed with curiosity or in some way treated differently or singled out. Just accept this as part of who you are and be confident with it. Show your love for others and they will stop viewing you as so different and just love you. If they see by your expressions, words and actions that you already anticipate their curiosity but are comfortable with yourself, they will be comfortable too.
I KNOW you can do it. YOU know you can do it. Peace and love be with you my darling.
Thank you. I feel your care and am grateful, and warmed by it. Consider the good qualities? That is a good thought.
If by “something drastic” you mean suicide, no, that is not what I think of.
Well, for what it is worth, I love you too, Clare, and I see wonderful things when I see you! XX 😀
Dear one, it is worth a great deal.
Who would have to call you ‘normal’ – and what would they have to mean by it – before you felt ‘normal’?
I don’t need an answer to that. You do.
Of course the answer is that so many people have accepted me, and not everyone has, and I cannot make Everyone accept me. This is the same problem that everyone has, and my focus of it on transsexuality does not fit with trans folks who are far less neurotic.
I would have to call me normal. I would have to mean “acceptable” or “good enough” and I would have to believe it and take it into my heart.
Clare, I hope you don’t mind me coming here and exploring your blog! This post was so incredibly honest and heartfelt that I just needed to reach out and say Thank you for posting it. I think you just voiced extremely eloquently something that we all feel from time to time. I think this post proves without a doubt that if you are not “normal”, than none of us are! Maybe that’s the point? Regardless of where your journey takes you, I hope you hold your head high for knowing that you have done it all with integrity. Best wishes to you!
Dear Cari, you and Robert are very welcome here. We can debate Christianity elsewhere, or here if you like: I will post on the Gospel on the 12th. I do not think “normal” has a meaning beyond “conforming” in this sense, and not conforming seems richer with potential.
I use this post to face the difficulty I am in and cut myself some slack. The next two show what I am doing with the problem.
Your comments on eloquence and integrity warm me. Thank you.
I sincerely look forward to reading more!! and hopefully debating more. 🙂 I admire your obvious ability and desire to embrace life and live it to the fullest, and on YOUR terms, not the directives of a nameless, faceless, collective “norm”. I tend to become overly-passionate at times, so I apologize ahead of time if I ever seem anything less than respectful and truly curious about someone else’s perspective. My lack of formal education can sometimes come across in my intensity, so please don’t ever hesitate to “slap” me back in line if I’m running off at the mouth. 🙂 Hope you are having a beautiful day!
I think you are courteous enough. My irritation (and sense of superiority) on Robert‘s post came out because I find Christianity intensely valuable, and Creationism silly. What can only, in the end, be an attack on the latter irritated me because those who attack Creationism (or anti-gay bigotry, or whatever) land easy blows on the religion I love which do not detract from its value, only from the respect it is held in. Belief in New-Earth creationism seems to involve a comprehensive denial of reality, which I do not think can be explained or justified from the Bible. I believe that following the Way involves opening to truth.
As for intensity, I trust your good will.
thank you for sharing and being so honest
Thank you for commenting. After putting that out, it is good to know I am heard.