A tranny paradox

“I had my balls cut off, so I could be attractive to women.”

I wanted to chat to S, the naval officer, simply because he was one of the few there I had not met before. He asked some probing questions about my trans status, and I told him first that I am attracted to women, and then that. As we were saying goodbye he came over and said how difficult he found that, so I looked him in the eye and repeated it.

“Does not compute,” he said. No, it does not make sense, I agreed. But if you still have Stuff or Baggage to deal with, that will not make sense to you either. If it did, you would have dealt with it by now.

Everyone has difficulties with self-acceptance. One of the blessings of transsexuality is that our inculcated self-concept is so different from our organismic self that we simply have to do the work of self-acceptance and self-discovery. I cannot have a partner unless I am true to myself, because I could not have let her know me.

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I have just been to the HAI community weekend, and it was lovely. I got there at six, more and more people arrived, we cooked over the barbecue and I was in cocktail-party mode: you know, chatting away socially, making connection at a fairly shallow level but pleasantly.

And then we started the evening exercise, and suddenly I was Present. In that state, all my defences are down. I trust that in the moment I can deal with any attack: and my defensiveness is not useful at defending, and does a lot of damage. In that state I can make a true heart-connection.

That evening, two people referred to me with male pronouns, and that created a distance from them in me. I hate it. In quest of authenticity, I take my wig off, and I sing baritone because that voice is richer and holds the note better than my counter-tenor; and I still want to be seen as female. After all, I am female.

HAI has the concept of a Withhold. We say it in this way.

A: I have a withhold with you. Are you ready to hear it?
B accepts or declines
A: I perceived you as [being or doing] and that created a distance from you in me.
B: Thank you.

The idea of this is to surmount barriers to authentic connection. My withhold is that barrier which I feel. B can respond to it immediately, though it may be better to let it settle within before responding.

My general withhold is that if I hear you referring to me as male, I am hurt, and I withdraw. And I want to hear the withhold from others: if you cannot accept me as female, I do not want that to be an insurmountable barrier between us.

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“Either Jesus rose from the dead, or he didn’t”- heard in the night on a programme on the Catholic Church. So the whole Catholic Church has to believe that he did, physically. But why not both? Hold both possibilities in the mind. How could each view enrich your understanding of God?

4 thoughts on “A tranny paradox

  1. Clare,
    Brilliant post. People seem fit to use a pronoun that there is no reference point. The new people in your life that never shared a conversation in a mens bathroom as such are the ones that ignite my wrath the quickest.
    Definitely when someone uses the wrong pronouns, they stay on my “shit list” perminently. Ones from the previous life were given the choice: accept me how I am now, or ciaó. Too much pain associated with “Mr. Thornebottom” and dissociating is what makes me feel better about living a shit life for the first 35 years.
    “I’m sorry but the man you are refering to is dead. Oh yes. Dead as a door knocker. For years now…” may be the best response.

    Maybe its an English thing but “tranny” is about the same as “nigger” most days.
    You’re no nigger nor tranny: just a girl misdiagnosed as a boy at birth.
    Much love,
    -Lexi

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    • Thank you.

      And yet- I want connection with other people, I want to understand other people, and it occurs to me that if a male pronoun is a barrier to that, that barrier is in me. The other might be quite clear that I am a man in a skirt, yet be willing to engage, even to accept. If I do not need the other person to be different from who they are, if I fully accept who I am, then I am entirely safe. Except in those situations where they might physically assault me, and most people have strong taboos against physical assault, so that is rare.

      The word Tranny is a hate word. I seek to drain the poison from it. In a post on 9 June I currently intend to explain why I use it.

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      • Empowering a hate word, the n-word has gone through a similar attempt. Nigga? I don’t see people casually using nigger or nigga any more empowered. (Btw, I cannot stand either word.)

        I think “toaster” is a better word, like on Battlestar Galactica. “He was banging a toaster and never knew it.” Good fun associating a random word.
        “Trap” is one I have never figured out. Lol
        -L

        Like

        • “Niggers with Attitude”? I thought a “Toaster” implied that a Cylon was a machine, even one like No. 6 or Saul. I have been writing ahead. I have used “tranny”. Maybe I should use it less, but it feels to me it gives it more power if I leave it to the Oppressors.

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