That job

That job would be perfect for me. It is what I have done for years, it has its irritations but I can make something of it, achieve something worthwhile, probably please the funders, take pleasure in it. The salary is reasonable, and the location is good: living nearby I could get to convenient groups of healers, spiritual people, do a bit of stand-up. And they invited me to apply. I applied for a job with them in June, so when they advertised they emailed me to let me know: Dear Clare, attaching my application letter and CV from last time.

And- looking at it, I broke down in tears. I could not face it. I did a fair bit of avoidance activity, and put it off several days. Then I sat down to the application on Thursday, saying what I have done, what I can do, why I am good for them.

What got me to do the application was a law of attraction thing:

Specifically, “I am worthy”. “I am not worthy” has been holding me back. I am not good enough, I will be found out, I will be laughed at, I will be judged, where is it me doing the judging, and in anticipation, and far more harshly than other people would.

“Chatter” in the head is a concept from the common understanding of Buddhism, the Monkey mind. There was a debate on facebook whether “Abundance” here leads to greed: I consider it does not: a state of abundance has no threat, and it is from fear of threat that I snatch at things, fearing not getting what I need.

I am Worthy of Abundance. This does not lead to a “me, first” attitude, doing down others, necessarily: I am one worthy spiritual being among others. It prompts me properly to look after myself. I have taken so much in about my wrongness, so much false shame, and it does no good to me or anyone else.

3 thoughts on “That job

  1. Dear Clare

    With every small step we are getting there, keeping it together, now not from a sense of shame or duty, but with acceptance, joy and love. Our own critic is our worst critic, the harridan on our shoulder who tells us “we will never be any good”. But you are and have always been, will ever be a part of what makes life wonderful. Joyous and beautiful. Alone, part of you knows this, and another part is fearful. With others, it is the same mix. So, what to do? Shall you stay at home, in grand isolation, or shall you – yet again – lift up your courage, and take on another day, another encounter? That is part of the human split, the either/or…..you could just ignore both of them, nod and smile and side step for a while, and see what happens?

    I wish you well. Know this, that you are always loved. XXX :-))

    Like

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