I was so frightened of you!
A good question I could not then answer.
Fear of the threat to my illusions, fear of being spontaneous, descending to my amygdala.
That I am a good person. That I am effective. That I am perfect.
This is what I mean about believing something true, or true enough, for the wrong reasons. I have a false view in my heart of what “good” might mean, of how to be effective. I need to cultivate the idea of good enough. “Perfect” is debatable. I have a very carefully constructed set of illusions about the World and myself, so that I can feel safe in it. However, the illusions being fragile, rather than seeking to make myself actually safe in the world, I seek to protect my illusions.
My friend Dawn blogged recently,
Just as my ego can tell me I’m all that and a bag of chips, the flip side will tell me I’m not worth the crumbs that fall out of the bag.
Yeah. And I noticed that in me aged 20, and thought, but that is nuts. Possibly-
Um. Possibly, the Centre of the Universe bit is me in my illusions, and the completely worthless bit is me which needs my illusions.
So I got to, “I am a human being”- the golden mean between I am the centre of the Universe, and I am worthless- a couple of years ago, but from there it is seeing how to make that real, how to bring the wild swinging of the pendulum from one side to the other down to stability in the middle. I need to stop needing to protect my illusions.
I am afraid of being hurt, again.
I am afraid of just being, just doing, being spontaneous. Rather, I want to do what will appear to be right, to my illusions.
I still want to be rescued. I want someone to deal with this for me, to kiss it better, or, just, look after me for a bit
if I see the problem, if I see the bonds binding me, I can work my way out of them.
Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them
echoed even more terrifyingly in Matthew 25:29, gives me hope.
Ah. That’s the bit I was looking for:
“Each of us should have two pockets,” the Rabbis teach. “In one should be the message, ‘I am dust and ashes,’ and in the other we should have written, ‘For me the universe was made.’”