No-one is ever beautiful enough. Everyone has flaws, which they must conceal, with flattering clothing, foundation, powder, concealer, particular hair styles. The flattering clothing is made more difficult because fashion moves so quickly- you are always a year behind the trend, and the trend demands you wear something which really does not flatter. Oh the misery of Everywoman as she realises,
Yes. My bum really does look big in this. Someone is always younger, prettier, more stylish, richer, brighter than me. More gifted, with a better background, better life choices. With more joy, social contact, more interesting friends.
Turn it inside out. Everyone is beautiful. Baby’s skin, old woman’s grey hair, wrinkles, bald patches, receding chins (Oh, I prefer full face to profile photos, and-) jelly bellies. See the beauty, focus on that. Then enhance and adorn it- out of delight. Not, it’s never good enough, not out of shame or fear, but for the fun of it. See others, not judging them and comparing them, but delighting in them.
It’s not easy, but it is simple. Moving from operating on fear to operating on Love.
Spread it into other aspects of life. I cannot be perfect, whatever perfect might mean, but I can patiently improve, and it is better to do something imperfect than to do nothing, in fear. Or, is it that it is perfect, if I could only see that…?
I am still trying to psyche myself up, still in fear, doing nothing.
No, that is not quite true. I am not doing all I might wish- the stimulating career, the glittering social life, is a debilitating fantasy in my head. I achieve something, occasionally.
What could be good, in that fantasy? Well, it shows me what I Want, what I might work towards. Having so precipitately moved from conscious negative to positive last June, I am still working out the implications.
It is all good. It is all beautiful. There is no darkness. There is nothing to fear. All is for the best, in the best of all possible worlds.
-do you believe that?
It seems to me that I could believe it falsely, or truthfully. The false way is to assert that against contrary evidence, just ignoring or blocking out that evidence. The truthful way is to burrow down into the unpleasing bits, seeing them clearly, seeing the blessing, the seeds of hope, in the darkest places.
Well, my last post (my 250th) was a Goodbye, or perhaps just a desire for change, and here I am posting again so soon. This post is what is in my heart and mind at the moment, the work I know is so essential, which I am trying to do-
-cursing my slowness at it
-trying to discern the forward steps, the history of it, the difficulty, the healing, seeing how proud I may be of how far I have come, however much I want to be further on, however much I-
It is good enough.
More words, more inarticulacy, in my journal, working towards this. This is as personal as I can get here.