I told my GP that I was still more emotionally labile than I might wish, and asked if adjusting the hormone dose might have an effect on that. Well, 6mg is a large dose, after two months it should have taken effect, so, no.
-You’ve taken anti-depressants before, haven’t you?
-I am not terribly keen on them. I had them in 2003, and they did not seem to make a difference. My GP upped the dose, and again, and then I had my op, and I felt much happier, and I came off, slowly as recommended.
How is life generally?
Well, I am unemployed. We discuss this for a bit. I am not financially secure, but am OK until the end of the year. I feel I am doing so much self-acceptance, accepting my own intuition and feelings and indeed being labile is an advantage for that, I am so aware of them. And I have not applied for jobs for six months, though I did an application yesterday: it is so hard to bring myself to it. Moving from all my feelings, intuition, spontaneity being wrong, trying to be male, then going completely the other way, and going ultra-girly: and now accepting in myself a wider range of gendered behaviour.
She says, in her job she has to be quite masculine sometimes, it is yin and yang in all of us, and she can be- ultragirly, as you say.
She has just started yoga again, and her yoga teacher told how he has made a decision to be non-judgmental. He would see someone walking in a certain way, and he thinks, that will cause back pain- and then he stops himself.
-Yes. We are all doing our best under difficult circumstances. You cannot know why someone has taken the decision he has. And it is conscious incompetence to start with, catch yourself, notice the judgmental response, correct it.
She was in China earlier this month, and noticed how unselfconscious, and how non-judgmental all the Chinese people she came across were. So different. (I would like to go to China, and- I find that insight valuable.)
What did you do? I tell her.
Someone with a brain like yours should be in work.
It is not my fault.
She takes my hand, and touches my upper arm. It is conscious incompetence for me, too: I do not see that as your Judgment, but that is my first reaction. And people do not judge me as harshly as I do. It is all internal, and I am growing beyond the inner critic. And there is so much movement generally: J does a double-take, thinks of Hayley, and becomes consciously Accepting. Some British people had to do that with Black people thirty years ago.
-It is hard when you self-lacerate like you do.
I am very glad to have a GP who is into yoga/ meditation/ spiritual stuff. Some of them are horrible scientific rationalists. She feels the need to explain that some GPs would never share anything personal like that, and I agree that it is a professional judgment, correct in this case.