Inching forward

The coach of the UK Cycling team said,

Focus on the process and the outcomes will take care of themselves

How wonderful to have such a scientifically designed and personally tailored training programme, that all one needed to do was follow it. How wonderful to have such a calling, that that was what one Wanted, to have the single minded determination to follow it. How wonderful to have that calling recognised.

Dave asked me how the jobhunting was going, and I started to cry. I don’t know. Hormones, something. My eyes are watering, my speech quavers, daily. Dave was sympathetic, and perplexed- he is a man I would go to for practical help with a practical problem, but not the first I would choose for a shoulder to cry on. And I- I was unhappy, but also a much wider, richer brew of emotion. I was quite clear that everything is alright, I was content; and fearful of the future; and rueful about getting visibly emotional; and possibly other things too.

Not in work, and not looking for work- how do I feel about that? How do I feel about others knowing it? Ashamed; and rueful. But then, it is like being transsexual. I care what other people think, I think other people disapprove, in so far as I feel shame myself. I project it onto them. Generalise from that. I feel others will disapprove, because I am ashamed myself. And- I think Dave was perplexed, but not disapproving. “You like to have a lot to do, don’t you?” he said, and that might be projecting too.

So then, am I ashamed? Yes I am ashamed. I am ashamed of my fear and anger. I am ashamed of being unemployed, of not doing anything about that. I am ashamed of being hurt, of not sorting that out and dealing with it. I should have dealt with all of this by now! Ashamed of my illusions, and frightened that I have not found them all, for how can I survive in this world with blind spots? I will just be hurt and humiliated again. I have an idea of what health might look like, so why am I not there?

Feel the shame, and let it go. Yes, I am ashamed. I have been doing my best.

As Fritzfreud says,

Emotional problems tend to come from avoiding emotional discomfort.   So discomfort is the price of recovery.   Accepting our limitations.  Taking risks.  Becoming honest.  That sort of thing.

Gregory House said, “It’s not easy, but it is simple”. Now, I devote myself to accepting my limitations, reducing the illusions and fantasies, accepting myself as I am. So rather than “inching forward”, I am moving forward at my own pace.

I like “I’m Christian, unless you’re gay” on Single Dad Laughing.

6 thoughts on “Inching forward

  1. I liked it, really. 🙂 You came up with inner conflicts of a person. I also believe that realising your own limitations is the most required job, but we generally try to escape than to accept and that’s pretty obvious.

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  2. I like what the UK cycle coach said, but would rather say, “If we focus on the outcome, the process takes care of itself.” In other words, fix the intention ahead of yourself, and then watch yourself catching up with it. So often, what matters is to fix the intention, so that we can then see it fulfilled. Intention takes the lead, we follow.

    When I say, “I am happy” or “I am sad” or “I am lucky” I immediately start to look, subconsciously, for ways in which my statements are true, borne out in my experience. The same goes for “I am sick”, “I am filled with regrets” and “I am ashamed”. These statements become self evident, as it were, and fulfil our expectations. That is well and good, until we have seen, examined, accepted and let go – or get fed up with – how we are feeling. Eventually, we will desire a change. For better.

    Take care, beloved Clare. Your thoughts are powerful.

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    • Dear Ann,

      I think we have to focus on the outcome, because the process to get to it has to be calculated from the outcome. Only someone who has committed to a process already designed and completely clear may focus on the process alone. A process like getting a degree, perhaps: having decided to do it, in your first year you do the work needed to get through the first year. If I do begin spiritual healing, I need to focus on the outcome, as that is the only way I will find a process.

      As for feelings, I found myself weeping over my mother’s death on Monday. It was sixteen years ago. I still think that this is releasing old feelings which need felt, rather than embiggening them by dwelling on them. Maybe I will work through feelings, or perhaps you are right.

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  3. Dear Claire

    Indeed we work through feelings, before we release them. It does not matter how old they are, we carry them all with us. So yes, we work through them too. Indeed. That is how we eventuallly heal, in my experience.

    xxx 🙂

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