The blue pill

Using male pronouns to refer to me is as disrespectful, uncivilised, and wrong, as calling a black person a N*****.

This is who I am. To express myself female is what I wanted, against all common sense or rationality, against the evidence of my own senses, looking at my own body. Plunging into the nature of my being, that I am female is deeper than anything else, utterly impervious to change. Actually, the pill question: “If you could take a pill and be a normal male without these feelings, would you?”- well, I come out with the “right” answer, “No, because then I would not be me”, but sometimes it is a close run thing. Being transsexual has given me such intense pain that sometimes I do not know how I have borne it. I have been suicidal, just wanting to die, for months at a time, and twice I have undertaken preparatory acts, though not any actual self-harming physical act- I have formed the decision, then backed off.

To refer to me as “she” rather than “he” is a basic level of courtesy which I am entitled to, and fortunately receive from most people I meet. However, where I do not, I will not be sympathetic or understanding, and nor should you be, whoever you are. I so resent still having to work through these issues aged 45, ten years after getting the courage to express myself female at work.

It is the same for people with body integrity identity disorder. If someone is complaining about how difficult it is to get a wheelchair on a bus, “Well you could walk” is an answer just as disrespectful as using male pronouns for me.

It seems to me that humanity, now, is working through issues of otherness and respect, issues of living together, issues of accepting the full range of human diversity and the discomfort that currently engenders. I think we can get these things right, and that free, diverse humanity has far more access to blessing and gift than regulated, regimented humanity. For my own self-respect, I will assert my right to respect from others. I have been at the fulcrum of this issue, and have survived.

If I can assert my right without anger or fear, then I am giving an invitation, though one some people will be unable to hear: an invitation to see humanity in the full beauty and richness of our diversity, and to accept all those bits of yourself which you have falsely been told are unacceptable.

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It really matters to me to see humanity as progressing. Things are not as I might wish, but I do think they are getting better. A little group of Quakers, frightened of Peak Oil, climate change, and the Global Financial Crisis had a conversation where I asserted this, and people brought forward the Bosnian war and the Rwandan genocide, child labour in India, even female genital mutilation, forsooth, as evidence against. I could play the game: I have a good level of articulacy and rhetorical skills. I am interested in current affairs and history- and Life, in all its fulness and variety, even if more as an observer than a participant, so far- so I can come up with apposite examples and elegant argument. Instead, I disengaged.

Heaven is Here. I see it. That anyone does not see it is not evidence against its existence. So, I do not need to win the argument and convince anyone, I am satisfied in my own mind.

I can say to anyone, look around yourself. See the abundance and the beauty and the wonder and the Blessing. Look, at this, or this, or this. And if they cannot take this in, I may give up on them.

Gosh, that is pretty mature of me. Saintly, even. Or, since I am doing teenage at the moment: the argument going against me, I went into a sulk. Words….

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Am I boring you? Am I just repeating myself? I have been thinking about that last Pronouns conversation, three weeks ago. There are times when it is the other’s own stuff coming out, or they are just ignorant, and there are times when they want to push my buttons. Those two, they know, they have the intelligence, maturity and experience to understand completely. That particular time, it was deliberate. As if I have a big, red button, as big as my torso, and all you have to do is tap it gently and watch me implode.

I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

Ah. Breathe it in. I am getting there.

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

You will not hurt me with this.

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I visited Belfast in 1988. There were soldiers with guns, and armoured vans with low skirts on, so no-one could roll a grenade underneath, and barbed wire protecting the pubs. I was pushing my bicycle through the station. That army officer will not walk in front of me- so I hurried, walking in front of him, making him pause. And- I felt his Love reach out and envelop me. That is the only way I can put it.

Rather than suppressing it, I am feeling the intense pain of decades of feeling that I am an outsider, that I am less, and I see a way through this.

TED, in praise of vulnerability.

3 thoughts on “The blue pill

  1. Dearest Clare

    Our old obsessions and worries bore into us. That is why getting them out is so much a labour of love. You articulate the progress of the human, in noticing that things improve all the time, in noticing. You witness that humanity is changing for the better. And refuse to get drawn back into arguments which seek to persuade you that your vision is mistaken. This mirrors increasing recognition of your own position. You accept your pain. You no longer wish to deny it, so of course it will come out, and swim around you, and hurt you again. But there is good pain. That which is recognised and validated: Yes, I did feel hurt, and I accept that I felt it, I do not bury it now, nor pretend to everyone that I was happy. I do NOT paste on a smile and simper and stride and grin and bear it. Not all the time, anyway 🙂

    The answer? That all that is seen and understood and VERY ALRIGHT. AND that tears are nothing to be ashamed of. There is the difference from depression. That is progress, when we allow ourselves to feel, fully, without argument, without denial, without guilt.

    We can step outside, and notice, and love all our aspects.

    Lots of love

    Ann xxxx

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    • It seems to me that I have in the past done just enough self-acceptance to get by, and now I am doing the work for full self-acceptance. Turning inwards to my own old pain so that I may turn outwards and see the world and other people, better. Feeling the pain and passing through it. One step at a time.

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  2. Yes, indeed, Clare – it might help also to think of it as grieving, which as you know, can catch us out years down the line. Feel the pain, deeply, and let it go. The acknowlegement of our pain, all of the little pieces and the big, is acknowledgement of self worth, and necessary. Painful, but clearing and ultimately liberating. Dropping the heavy luggage we carry, so that we may fly lighter, nearer the sun.

    Bless you!

    Ann xxx

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