Desires

Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires
Proverbs of Hell

What do you want?
Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?

Where do I see myself? Er, dunno. I just do not know. I have lived from month to month, not really seeing beyond that.

As for what I want, basically, I want to blend into the background and not be noticed, though I have a joyous exhibitionist streak, and a friend said I looked as if I was blending into the background in the most noticeable way possible. I want to manage my own feelings, and be in control. So I am unemployed and stuck in my living room.

Actually, I really really wanted transition, and so I did it. Then I wanted my operation, and when the psychiatrist wrote a letter recommending it I felt bliss. So I have wanted something, and have achieved it. My degree does not compare: it was simply expected that I would go to university, so I went, I was just following the rules. Part of not being noticed. Though I am glad that I have a degree, and I am pleased with what the achievement tells me about my perseverance and ability to assimilate and understand information, and glad of the learning and thinking skills it taught.

What do I want? Nothing. I recognise that I will have to support myself, but nothing particularly appeals. Occasionally, I apply for what I have been doing recently.

And then, there was- that. X- no I am not going to say, now, what it was, but I wanted it more than anything, ever, apart from transition, and I could not have it. I could not have it because I am unemployed and broken in the way that I am. And so –that– gives me my entrée into my Anger, where I must go if I am to come out of the pit.

————————————————————————————————————–

Oh, God! I have felt like Germany after Versailles, as depicted by David Low- “Perhaps it would gee-up better if we let it touch earth”- and now I feel I am gaining traction. Or, I feel like Siegfried and Mime:

 

Wotan kills Siegmund, and breaks his sword. Mime the dwarf takes in his son Siegfried, though there is no love between them, and tries patiently to reforge the sword, heating the broken edges and hammering them together, fruitlessly and pointlessly. Siegfried takes the sword and smashes it in pieces, and reforges it anew.

It is better than Allison Grayhurst’s view of sex:

A perfect balance
of mystery and understanding
we contain in our
fiery hour.

I am

terrified

and delighted. Flippin heck, Tucker, I am so totally up for it.

I- want- THIS.

————————————————————————————————————–

Apropos of nothing, a hero to inspire: Nicole Dryburgh.

2 thoughts on “Desires

  1. Dear Clare

    So much of your latest post is reminiscent, of me at an earlier age. And I can still feel as you do. Anger moves away from depression, which is anger forced inward in the face of seeming futility. Therefore outright anger out is a good thing. Then from anger, you may move to grieving, and since that is better than anger it is a good thing. From the grieving you may move to frustration, which is a good thing, since it is one better than grieving. There are little griefs, btw, that catch occasionally, when we least expect them. Then from grieving one can move to frustration, so frustration is a good thing. And then to impatience, so impatience becomes the next best thing.

    And so, we move away and towards, ever upwards, until we come to acceptance. There is nothing to fear in anger, except that it may hurt, but it surely does not hurt as much as clothed, darkening depression which sits inside us and eats away. Anger is embarrasing, but it is cleaner and more honest, so ultimately it is a necessary step away from the immobility of depression.

    Good luck. I am thinking of you.

    Ann Forsyth xxx 🙂

    Like

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