This is a month for my healing. This is the month to face the demons on my back and take their power for myself. This is the month to take my insane arrogance and insane self-abnegation, and forge a synthesis of sane self-regard- I am a human being.
How could I hold such contrary self-images? I became aware of them aged twenty in pain from love at first sight and an unrequited obsession with a woman, and saw that they were both ridiculous and wrong, and wondered how I could hold both, and now I see how I can.
I am worthless and of no account in my own mind because as a child my feelings were not acknowledged or accepted, and my spontaneous reactions were always wrong. So, early, I learned to control my self-expression to give what my parents wanted. Because my feelings and expression were a threat to me, I feared and despised them. I saw them as completely wrong and bad.
And- I am the centre of the universe. I developed this extreme narcissism in my desire to survive, and my enforcement of my control on myself.
Now is the time to heal those two complementary self-images, to- I am a human being. I was going to excerpt Pope, but cannot choose between all these wonderful lines:
Know then thyself, presume not God to scan;
The proper study of mankind is man.
Placed on this isthmus of a middle state,
A being darkly wise, and rudely great:
With too much knowledge for the sceptic side,
With too much weakness for the stoic’s pride,
He hangs between; in doubt to act, or rest;
In doubt to deem himself a God, or beast;
In doubt his mind or body to prefer,
Born but to die, and reas’ning but to err;
Alike in ignorance, his reason such,
Whether he thinks too little, or too much;
Chaos of thought and passion, all confus’d;
Still by himself abus’d or disabus’d;
Created half to rise and half to fall;
Great lord of all things, yet a prey to all,
Sole judge of truth, in endless error hurl’d;
The glory, jest and riddle of the world.
I am a human being, with all the great value and wonder of that, one among seven billion. Loved by God so that each hair on my head is numbered, evolved over four billion years to fit, here, now, and- one among seven billion. I can see where I am going.
How to do this? I will bring to consciousness all my suppressed rage and terror over that early trauma, and I will feel it, and I will mourn it. In this pain I will cling to my new found appreciation of my own courage, creativity, truthfulness and love. I will work through it, I will mourn it, I will at last let it go.
Why am I telling you this? Two contrasting reasons. I do not care. I am at rock bottom (Please God, this is rock bottom, there is no further down!) and do not care what you think of me, or who knows this; and I am gathering my support network around me to hold me as I do this work. Pray for me, hold me in the light. Encourage me. Kingsley asked me if I felt I had a burden, and I said no, I feel as if I am crushed under a boulder bigger than myself. And I am so grateful to feel the pain, because I might be free of it.
Yesterday’s Wisbit is a motto for this blog:
I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised and misunderstood… For it is not difference which immobilizes us most but silence…