LeKyS‘s gender identity is fluid, and they tend to find what someone expects of them and give that gender presentation, they say. The following is my reaction to my way of being rather than a judgment on LeKyS, but provoked by what they say.
I find myself changing the direction of this post from what I wanted to say to what comes into my mind, which is different. I think of two hugs, one pre-transition where I had come out to a group. I hugged M goodbye, and then she said “Now I want a hug from Clare” and I changed and softened and this was a wonderful gift to me. Then another hug this year, where I felt that a supportive hug from my male, strong, capable side, would be welcome, and I gave it as a gift, and it seemed welcomed.
Oh I have judged myself for this in me, seen myself as a harlot or a coward, giving others what they want so they will not hurt me, sneaking round at the edges so I will not be seen and hurt, and now, well, maybe it is just me in those situations, responding. Or, I clam up and say nothing and feel nothing, and after I have left the situation I feel it, anger or hurt, and know what I “should have” said. Perhaps that was the best I could do at the time.
The urgent question, being unemployed, being scared, staying in my living room most of the time is, how can I move on? I have tried so hard to be other than I am, though my ideals have changed, and recently I have been screaming at myself to get on with it and do something, you know what you have to do to improve your situation, just do it-