LeKyS‘s gender identity is fluid, and they tend to find what someone expects of them and give that gender presentation, they say. The following is my reaction to my way of being rather than a judgment on LeKyS, but provoked by what they say.
I find myself changing the direction of this post from what I wanted to say to what comes into my mind, which is different. I think of two hugs, one pre-transition where I had come out to a group. I hugged M goodbye, and then she said “Now I want a hug from Clare” and I changed and softened and this was a wonderful gift to me. Then another hug this year, where I felt that a supportive hug from my male, strong, capable side, would be welcome, and I gave it as a gift, and it seemed welcomed.
Oh I have judged myself for this in me, seen myself as a harlot or a coward, giving others what they want so they will not hurt me, sneaking round at the edges so I will not be seen and hurt, and now, well, maybe it is just me in those situations, responding. Or, I clam up and say nothing and feel nothing, and after I have left the situation I feel it, anger or hurt, and know what I “should have” said. Perhaps that was the best I could do at the time.
The urgent question, being unemployed, being scared, staying in my living room most of the time is, how can I move on? I have tried so hard to be other than I am, though my ideals have changed, and recently I have been screaming at myself to get on with it and do something, you know what you have to do to improve your situation, just do it-
I read your latest post with interest and a feeling that you may be hurting yourself for no reason at all. We all accommodate others, and there is nothing wrong in offering what we can to others, depending on what we consider they may like. That is all, and it is harmless enough.
I’m not sure about this screaming at yourself, either. There was a night when I was praying fervently for some outcome, and all night, as soon as consciousness surfaced, I went into prayer mode. Then, as dawn was breaking I fell into an exhausted stupor and “God” seized the chance…I received the reply with a hint of so gentle humour, “I do LIKE a good prayer….but how am I to answer it, if I cannot get a word in edgeways?”
Perhaps what we can best cultivate in ourselves, with gentleness and self love, is to listen. In this, I find the quaker meeting a helpful service. Another quote from Spirit which I have to remind myself of is, “Pray First, Ask Questions After”. A prayer is request for leading.
I bless you, Clare, and hope that 2012 brings to you a bounty of love, acceptance, peace, fulfilment, prosperity and joy! What a basket of delights I wish for you.
Ann Forsyth xxx :-))
Gentleness with myself. Oh, yes. You are right. The shouting and demanding is just what I have done. And accommodating others: yes, everyone does it and I feel I do it to the exclusion of my own needs. I am digging myself out of the pit. I am growing beyond this.