Autogynephilia revisited

Anita de la Ferie [Added: I wrote this post when I was still thinking through autogynephilia. I leave it up to show what damage that poisonous myth can do. Here is a refutation of the myth. The main problem with Blanchard’s hypothesis is causation: he alleges a sexual fetish causes people to transition. All the evidence shows the causation is the other way: being a gynephile trans woman, but being too scared to transition, causes sexual arousal at the thought of transition.]

If I told my history to Ray Blanchard, he would say I was autogynephiliac. My history fits his idea perfectly. The idea does not ring true to me, and does not fit my understanding of myself, and he would say that the idea of being a pervert is unpleasant for most people, and I am in denial, having rewritten my history to make it seem more palatable.

How to take away the shame? It is shameful to imagine that I have steadily reinforced a perversion until I have disappeared into it, even if in the process it has burnt itself out and, doing what I fantasised about, I am not in a state of continuous arousal. Being attracted to women, I would have reduced substantially the pool of women who might be attracted to me, and destroyed my ability to have children. Perhaps with self-control I could have avoided this.

So how do I take away the shame (apart from denying the validity of the theory). I believe that even if it is true, there is something beautiful about where I am now, something magical, and I seek to bring that magic out with other people. However I got here, here is a good place to be. And if that is whistling in the dark, what good would it do to think this so important aspect of my life disgusting?

Crossdreaming may be closer to the truth, but I do not feel the need to know.

Added: James Cantor,¬†a supporter of the AGP theory,¬†has written¬†a letter to the Archives of Sexual Behavior citing studies which appear to show that while M-F TS folk may have feminine brain structure, these are limited to “homosexual” (that is, androphile) trans women. However “heterosexual”, “autogynephiliac” (that is, gynephile) trans women also have brains distinguishable from those of cissexuals. He writes,

although these data disconfirm that the heterosexual type has a feminized brain pattern‚ÄĒthe data nonetheless confirm that heterosexual transsexuals have a brain structure distinct from that of typical (nontranssexual) persons. Their gender identity is not a transient or ephemeral characteristic, but a likely innate and immutable characteristic, emerging from their particular brain structure.

That is the absolution I still need. It is not my fault.

——————————————————————————

Monday 19th: Hang it. “I am Autogynephiliac”. I am autogynephiliac. I just am. I have been so ashamed of that, and the shame made me fight it for years, and try to make a man of myself, and I could not. Yesterday, ten years after transitioning, I was curled up in a ball on the floor crying over the shame of it. And. I do not think I could be other than I am. Had I exercised more self-control, could I be happily married with children and living as a man? Looking at that struggle, I have vast resources of self-control, and I showed courage and¬†Tenacious Strength. I have carried the shame, and now Fireworks by Giovanni Boldini.jpgI have brought it to full consciousness and wept over it I hope I may continue letting it go. This makes me transsexual. Indeed there may be¬†“Two distinct phenomena, with separate etiologies“, but no less moral value of one than the other, no less value as a human being.

The blog in the link has two purposes. One is to show that there are two kinds of transsexuality, what is sometimes called “primary transsexualism”, and autogynephilia, which is linked to erotic arousal; and the other is to show that the person writing anonymously is unequivocally and certainly of the first kind. It stinks. It is one long droning repetition of the refrain, “I may be a weirdo but at least I am not as weird and horrible as those weirdos”.¬†In the post linked to, there is a¬†sad insistence that there were gay people in her family! Yes, you who call yourself “silly”, there are some instances of TS siblings, but it is not the case that all siblings of TS people are TS.

She has turned off comments on her blog, because, she says, people attack her for telling the truth about the evidence. However, the truth does not hurt. It never does. What hurts are the bigoted and prejudiced reactions of others. There is nothing shameful in who I am, I feel shame because it has been inculcated into me in a toxic way. The silly one is reinforcing that prejudice. As Razan Ghazzawi says, we need to be as one, not divided into different groups.

28 December: I clicked on my own link, knocking on her door, so to speak, and see that in her first post since she has changed her name to “cloudy”. Don’t worry, cloudy, you will always be silly to me. This post is about how some studies fail to differentiate clearly between AGP and¬†(in the words of the researchers) “homosexual” TS, but that is because the study is defective not because there is no genuine difference. The new name is well chosen, because the thinking is cloudy. The post still insists on her identity, and her difference from me. I find this suspect.

I think the introduction has been changed, though. In the sidebar, she writes that she is

working to reduce the internalized shame and intolerance between the two types of TranWomen by explaining the differences in a non-judgemental, scientific exploration. “Different than” never means “better than”!

To reduce the internalised shame, she could¬†emphasise evidence that¬†both manifestations of the phenomenon of transsexualism are¬†innate. Repetitively pointing out difference does not reduce shame. I also prefer trans women to “TranWomen” (sic) because a trans woman is a woman who happens to be trans, and a transwoman is something different.

Here is a Swedish outcomes study.

——————————————————————————

26 January 2012: I think if there is any causal link between autogynephilia and transsexuality in lesbian trans women, it is the other way around. We are innately female, and attracted to women, and because of that are aroused by the idea of ourselves as women. I do not think that the female identity could be so permanent if it arose simply from a sexual perversion. Jack Molay argues it is not a mental disorder.

——————————————————————————

March: the silly one has broken her three months’ silence, with a long rant about how autogynephilia is exclusively a paraphilia. “You’re all perverts!” she screeches. “All of you!” This at least gives the lie to her claim, redolent of apartheid, that “different than never means better than”. Whereas, if she really were “working to reduce internalised shame” she would be considering the nature of a paraphilia. My old model of a blank slate, naturally heterosexual, me, by accident cross-dressing one day and slowly through obsessive thought and masturbation turning myself into a pervert, while if I had only had a little self control I could be a normal husband and father, really cannot be it. The silly one rants that AGP causes lesbian transsexuality. None of the data¬†can be said to prove¬†that at all. Full posts coming up on this.

Added, much later: the cloudy-thinking silly one showed up here eventually, here. If you want an actual scientist who understands the nature of autogynephilia, try Julia Serano, summarised here.

4 thoughts on “Autogynephilia revisited

  1. Someone had linked me to that site before when I was trying to figure everything out. Site definetly helped me realize that that was not me. Im glad they find ways to cope with agp. It was interesting to see the different ways. Some hrt, some all the way, some just do nothing at all.

    Like

    • Some just do nothing at all. So have they more self control, or a weaker version of the syndrome, or a different syndrome, or are they just further behind in the journey, and will come to “all the way” eventually? At one time, I thought “Work male, socialise female” was best for me, but I did not end up that way.

      Like

      • well i mean when i first went on there some people were like totally asexual and this was there only thing for them sexually… they seemed like they had it the worse from the way they talk and yeah lol.

        then others were like yeah occasionally i think of myself female, but after i do that once im fine for a long time and I totally can be normal with my wife/gf/ whatever.

        So i do think there is varying degrees. Just like any dysphoria. I think its a dysphoria of types even though some just say its a fetish.

        Like

All comments welcome.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.