Knowing, intellectually

Even before I became a member of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) I often felt moved to minister, and I remember sitting down after speaking in Meeting and wondering, was I really moved by the Holy Spirit to Minister, or was it my own imagining? When I tried to work this out using my rational mind, thinking it through, I could not decide. However, when I sought to access what I felt about it, I felt sure enough that it was Ministry.

Things now are not as I might have hoped, and I notice that I am not taking the actions out in the World which others might think might advance my interests. I console myself with the thought that I am doing necessary and beautiful spiritual and personal growth and healing, that I am loosening bonds which have tied me, and that I am doing the groundwork necessary to take that concrete action in the future. And I doubt myself, is this just fantasy? I am quite certain that I am not now taking all the steps I might to find better work. Is the thought of “personal growth” just whistling in the wind, not connected to reality? And I cannot fashion a rational argument that I am truly growing, that all this is worthwhile, that satisfies my inner rationalist.

Yet, just as with that Ministry, when I consult my feelings about the matter I am sufficiently sure that I am growing. And so I know this intellectually, because my intellect can learn to trust and accept my feelings. I will not “end up” like this. I will move forward from where I am.

One thought on “Knowing, intellectually

  1. Everything moves in flux and then rests. There is a natural rhythm to everything that we have forgotten, therefore we wish to push all the time, and if we are not moving forward we ask, “Why not!” But if you can turn “down” time into space for rest and reflection, that quiet work is valuable to you and to others. Few of us make time for thoughtfulness, but, rest and reflection is not inactivity, it is merely observation before decision. Sometimes it can take more “active” souls years to get to a state of gentle contemplation, which builds trust in our thoughts to inform us before we dive in to the next “must do”. You have a gift and are using it wisely, I feel.
    All the best,
    Ann xx

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