Even before I became a member of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) I often felt moved to minister, and I remember sitting down after speaking in Meeting and wondering, was I really moved by the Holy Spirit to Minister, or was it my own imagining? When I tried to work this out using my rational mind, thinking it through, I could not decide. However, when I sought to access what I felt about it, I felt sure enough that it was Ministry.
Things now are not as I might have hoped, and I notice that I am not taking the actions out in the World which others might think might advance my interests. I console myself with the thought that I am doing necessary and beautiful spiritual and personal growth and healing, that I am loosening bonds which have tied me, and that I am doing the groundwork necessary to take that concrete action in the future. And I doubt myself, is this just fantasy? I am quite certain that I am not now taking all the steps I might to find better work. Is the thought of “personal growth” just whistling in the wind, not connected to reality? And I cannot fashion a rational argument that I am truly growing, that all this is worthwhile, that satisfies my inner rationalist.
Yet, just as with that Ministry, when I consult my feelings about the matter I am sufficiently sure that I am growing. And so I know this intellectually, because my intellect can learn to trust and accept my feelings. I will not “end up” like this. I will move forward from where I am.