My heart is full after the Human Awareness Institute weekend, and I wish to share about it. Not about the people, apart from the fact that they are wonderful, because of confidentiality; not about the exercises, because they are entitled to their copyrights, though I can say we built trust and love and affirmation through stroking of faces and hands. I want to share part of the blessing I received.

I became aware of how, though I have discovered that being transsexual really is a blessing, I still resent it. It has been so painful and difficult. Why me? And so I have judged and condemned myself for being transsexual. I have then projected this onto other people, onto tout le monde, imagining their judgment on me for being trans. And this has prevented me seeing how they really react. Some of them, it seems, have some difficulty with my way of being, though I think very few judge me for it, and those poor souls will have enough else to think about so that they will rarely be thinking of me. I intend to be freed from this projection, and to see other people more clearly as they are rather than my imagining of them. I feel more able to love myself, accept myself, and be kind to myself.

It is tempting but untrue to say, the HAI weekend has changed my relationship with x. What it has done is show me that so much more is possible in my relationship with x, more delight and joy and love and authenticity and honesty, and so given me the possibility of changing and improving that relationship myself.

6 thoughts on “Projecting

  1. What we think others are thinking about us is rarely true in any case. How many of us stop to check? None, I suspect. Clare, what you mention is what I have lived with too, for different reasons. The way forward is to slow down and look into your eyes. Look clearly at yourself and ask, “Now that I see myself, I admit that, in fact, I am lovable. is there anything, therefore, for another to dislike in me?” Others will accept us at our own estimation. When we pause, and admit that others will be so much more interested in their own lives, than in judging me and my life, we see them clearly. We free them and we free ourselves to be as we are. The best gift is clear sight. All the best with your adventures, big and small. Ann xx


    • Thank you. Don’t sound so surprised! Yours is a blog I admire, your recent critique of the Joan Miro exhibition enlivened it for me, your words brought it back to me as vividly as the postcards I bought there do; I love your questing intelligence.


  2. you know we all do this in one way or another. one time when i was doing stand up, i ripped into a table of guys talking loudly because i assumed they were talking bs about me or something…then a male comedian friend of mine came up to me and said, ‘why’d you do that’ and i said because they were disruptive and clearly disrespecting me and he said, ‘no, i was standing right next to them. they were talking about how much they LIKED you.’ we never get away from the little hurt kid we are in our own heads sometimes….


    • I still get the “What? You mean other people are like this too?” reaction. But realising we project makes it easier to spot next time. I am reading Proust, who is brilliant on concealed motives and illusions.


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