I have been posting more or less daily since August 2011. My purpose comes from Jesus and Eliot:
Jesus said: When you unclothe yourselves and are not ashamed, and take your garments and lay them beneath your feet like the little children and trample on them, then you will see the Son of the Living One, and you will not be afraid.
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing. -East Coker.
Here, I seek to know myself. I seek Carl Rogers’ Organismic Self rather than Self Concept, knowing my own feelings rather than taking refuge in ego-defences. I seek to value my own strengths. I was brought up to make a man of myself, so only now, ten years after transitioning to express myself female full time, I come to terms with the deep shame I felt at my feminine self, and accept that. I am intuitive, and deeply feeling, and I was brought up to devalue my feelings and intuition and respect only rational argument. It is human to deny and repress those parts which do not fit the self-concept, so creating a Shadow: as I get to know my shadow, I find it beautiful, though that is difficult: I try to work out what is behind the blind spots I have created, from the unconscious promptings which shame me. I release my shame, and come to accept my feelings.
This is a spiritual journey half completed. Indeed the darkness may be the light, and the stillness the dancing, but I have no idea what light or dancing might look like. I am retreated from the World, nursing my hurts, hoping that I am healing as I must. I share here as a spiritual discipline, learning as I share. Thank you for reading: the openness of the process is essential.
Completely rewritten 2 January 2013.