Introducing Clare


Hello. My name is Clare. Or not.

I have been posting more or less daily since August 2011. My purpose comes from Jesus and Eliot:

Jesus said: When you unclothe yourselves and are not ashamed, and take your garments and lay them beneath your feet like the little children and trample on them, then you will see the Son of the Living One, and you will not be afraid.

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing. -East Coker.

Here, I seek to know myself. I seek Carl Rogers’ Organismic Self rather than Self Concept, knowing my own feelings rather than taking refuge in ego-defences. I seek to value my own strengths. I was brought up to make a man of myself, so only now, ten years after transitioning to express myself female full time, I come to terms with the deep shame I felt at my feminine self, and accept that. I am intuitive, and deeply feeling, and I was brought up to devalue my feelings and intuition and respect only rational argument. It is human to deny and repress those parts which do not fit the self-concept, so creating a Shadow: as I get to know my shadow, I find it beautiful, though that is difficult: I try to work out what is behind the blind spots I have created, from the unconscious promptings which shame me. I release my shame, and come to accept my feelings.

This is a spiritual journey half completed. Indeed the darkness may be the light, and the stillness the dancing, but I have no idea what light or dancing might look like. I am retreated from the World, nursing my hurts, hoping that I am healing as I must. I share here as a spiritual discipline, learning as I share. Thank you for reading: the openness of the process is essential.

Completely rewritten 2 January 2013.

Here is a Wordle of this text:

Wordle

107 thoughts on “Introducing Clare”

  1. That is beautiful. You must be beautiful. I would like to read more. We have already net met and I like your philosophy

    It shouldn’t take much to work out who I am

    Reply ↓

    • Hello Nicky. Such a sweet comment from you. Not at all like what you wrote on that other blog. I think you were assigned female at birth, and are really male. I am not surprised you are angry, just regretful that you turn your anger on the wrong target. It does you no good, you know.

      Reply ↓

  7. So far, so good
    Keep it going
    You know you should.
    We read the words
    And the words are true
    For they are a reflection
    Of what is you!

    Congratulations on reaching 1000…..

    Shirley Anne xxx

    Reply ↓

  10. Thanks for your comment on my latest post about facial femninsatin surgery. I agree that being transgendered is a gift and a blessing; that is how I have always felt about it.

    Reply ↓

    • Yes, that post. It just really impressed me, for me from “I must do this” to doing it took 18 months, and “I really really must do this now” to doing it took two months. I thought it a curse, and now think it a blessing. It is a new way of being in the World for me.

      Reply ↓

  13. Hi. My name is Emen (female). Just discovered your blog and have been reading for hours. Got the stiff neck to prove it too. Thank you for a lovely couple of days. I look forward to your next post.

    Reply ↓

    • Welcome, Emen. I am glad you have found me too. I write for my own pleasure, but finding that my writing pleases others is a great boost. And thank you for commenting, the comments make that real for me.

      Reply ↓

  16. How to even write a comment to someone as brave as you are? For far to long in my life I have questioned such issues as my gender and my sexuality never arriving at any answers which seemed correct. I have often considered changing my life to live as a woman, however I would never be able to have any semblance of normality due to my height, I am 6’8″. Thank you so much for commenting on my blog so that I could discover your blog and add it to my own blogroll. I will be spending many hours here reading and look forward to each new post as they arrive.

    Reply ↓

    • Jimi, I love what you write.

      Today, I was walking from the train along the platform, and there was a man about six inches taller than I am- I am 5’10″. And it was nice, it made me feel more feminine. Never think that, because you do not do something you want, you are not brave. Thank you for subscribing, I am glad you like what I write. It makes it more worthwhile.

      Reply ↓

  17. Your paragraph on “a more beautiful morality” speaks my mind. Hello from a fellow Quaker and thank you for visiting my blog and posting your truth.

    Reply ↓

    • Dear Guy, thank you so much. I knew you by a previous blog which I rather liked, and now seeing your statement of intent I am drawn in to your new one:

      He’ll look at me, smile and say – We’ve made it kid. Time to play.”

      This project is many things. It’s a place to share creative endeavors, an outreach to like-minded people wanting to flex their imagination, and, with a little bit of luck and a lot of determination, a mode of entertainment. But above all, Guy Penn is a tribute to a 14-year old boy who dreamed of being writer, who believed that I – awkward, nomadic, floundering me – would be the one to rescue him.

      I will not nominate now as I have nominated recently. I will have a look at your nominations, your descriptions make me want to know more.

      Reply ↓

      • No worries about the nomination, just grateful to have met you. I really enjoy your work and appreciate your bravery. Thanks for the feedback too!

  21. glad you found my blog, i am enjoying yours so far. so much depth…i am rather excited that you practice the 5 rhythms, since i do also and like to write poetry about it (earlier posts on my blog). your intellect is intriguing and i look forward to reading your research, analysis, and commentary.

    Reply ↓

    • Welcome, Tsena. I found you through Guy Penn’s reader appreciation award. I was honoured that you responded in such depth to my comment, and I am very glad that you have subscribed. I will be dancing 5 rhythms next week, celebrating Midsummer.

      Reply ↓

      • sweet! i am so glad that guy penn re-emerged, he is a really brilliant kindred. i am glad that my lil’ anthro psycho rant did not turn you off. full-of-my-own-ego, i was looking forward to your reply. ;) wink!
        i know many bloggers give short answers, but i love it when i see more of who someone is when they give a fuller answer. and i am repeatedly astonished at the level of genius i see here in this virtual world. i live in a smallish town and work from home, so this is a great outlet and connection for me to stave off the caged-feeling. and i think faaaaarrrr tooooo muuuuchhhh to inflict ALL of these thoughts on my loved ones. midsummer dancing….oh sigh.

      • ah…wow, i showed the flip sides of me there, eh?–the one that speaks out and then the one that is ashamed to speak out. thank you for your encouragement and reflection. you are simply amazing in your ability to nail it…

  22. All of your words in explaining your journey are amazing. You are absolutely right! It is a blessing to be born the way we are! Transexuals are beautiful people and I am better off for knowing the transexuals that are in my life now! That goes for the gays, bi’s and lesbians as well. We are one people! I’m enjoying your blog!

    Reply ↓

  23. Hi Clare, thanks for your ‘like’ of my post. I probably sound like a prat, but I imagine your journey has been very difficult, and you seem to have risen to the challenge, which I have huge respect for. I feel I have a long journey if I am ever to return to any fold, and you have provided some inspiration. Thank you…

    Reply ↓

  24. Actually Clare, I came to ‘meet’ you after responding to your comment on my blog and I think there is quite a lot I can learn from your blog, so I am going to follow it now.

    Regards,
    Daniela

    Reply ↓

  25. Hi Clare! I’m so glad you found my blog because it allowed me to find yours. I’m so looking forward to reading your posts and getting to know you. I think you’ll find reiki to be an amazing thing—I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

    Reply ↓

  26. Hello Clare: Thanks for your stopping by my blog — I admire perception: it’s the silent witness; a few then throw in a little lifetime, a pinch of opinion, and a dash of honesty; voila! Vision! Yes, I think I’m back, and better, back without the baggage of failure: sanity confiscated my baggage before I crossed the threshold to mental illness. Sanity insisted that baggage would only remind me of failure – memories become broken pieces of colored glass there – just more slogging through decade after decade of exhausting disharmony. But I’m a certified lunatic now (by the Federal Government, no less!): they’ve become a patron of-sorts, alleviating concerns of welfare. American’s politely avoid the melancholic; they impose a quiet distance which they apply to the layers of their lives like frosting. Many years ago a spiritual reader foretold that I would enjoy the trappings of business success but they would also cause a catastrophe, from which, years later, I would emerge stronger, clearer, honest and my voice would give life to my vision. Another, a mentor told me years ago: good writing finds friends. Well, it found you!

    Reply ↓

    • I loved that post, I really did. I loved its intensity, added to by “four years ago right now as you read this”. I loved the danger of it, the possibility of damnation; and the blessing of it, yes it is difficult to see this as a blessing and it is. It really is.

      Welcome.

      Reply ↓

  27. I like you blog–except for the microscopic text.

    I suppose there are many different ways to contend with “identity”. We’ve been thrown into this world, and those of us prone to thinking seem to consider more possibilities than those who don’t think much. I’m in the Dali Lama camp. As you know, he was told that he was a god when he was a child. Now, he says, “I’m just a Buddhist monk.” That’s the role life assigned him, and he’s going with it. That works for me. Whenever I get thinking that life could be better–which is more often than not–I just think: it is what it is. That’s my story, and I’m sticking with it.

    Reply ↓

    • Nishita is a photography theme, it shows off the pictures beautifully. I may change it.

      Life- I have found it unbearable, and I cannot go on as I am. Something has to change, and I am casting round for solutions: and, maybe, just blind or in denial to the better ones.

      Welcome to my “kingdom”.

      Reply ↓

      • Turns out I was writing a post when you made your reply. I do hope you find happiness in life. Or at least a lack of sadness. Those are the same wishes that I have for myself. I find life to be okay. (I added the last paragraph because of your comment.)

        Isaac Newton wasn’t a very nice person, but he said something that I find useful. He kept himself busy with his science and math, and he said that he didn’t think about being single, for if he thought about life without girls–all he’d be thinking about was girls. (Not a bad observation.) I find that I can deal with my lot in life by staying constructively busy thinking about the things that have some value beyond my unique personal experience. Don’t know if any of that is helpful to you, but I hope it is.

      • Well, that is one to add to rounded pebbles and giants’ shoulders- and F=MxA…

        Thank you. I am grateful that you hope to be helpful, and I will consider what you say. This is what I am doing at the moment. I do not propose to do it indefinitely.

      • It’s just a coincidence, but I was reminded of our chat just a few minutes ago. Turns out that earlier today, I was getting really frustrated and quite angry that I seemed to have neither the intelligence nor the patience to successfully complete some studying I was doing. I mean I was REALLY getting bent out of shape over it. Then by chance I came across some photos of Stephen Hawking. Here’s a guy that although he’s been in a wheel chair and nearly completely paralyzed for decades has Issac Newton’s position at the University of Cambridge. When I look at everything he’s done, it doesn’t depress me, but it does make blush about the measly little problems I have to contend with.

        I don’t know if that helps or hurts, but I think I’ll probably keep Stephen in the back of my mind whenever I start getting annoyed about my lot in life. ;)

      • If your problems were measly, you would have dealt with them by now.

        I will not “end up” like this. I am moving. More slowly than I might like…

  31. Hi again, Soon I will be starting a new venture with another blogger who also writes about end of life issues. We are hoping to interview and share the stories of caregivers in the fullness of the human continuum. I want to make sure that the stories we tell are truly culturally diverse and inclusive. We are listening for unique caregiver experiences. Blessings and Peace to you Clare.

    Reply ↓

  35. PS I’ve been working (on and off) on a novel, and the main character’s name is Clare, spelled the same way. Her given name was Clarity–which is what her mother calls her when she’s being very serious.

    Reply ↓

    • Welcome. I love making new connections through wordpress.

      All my comments are being spammed atm, until the blogger releases one. Should you wish to do this, you can go to the spam folder and click “not spam”. Well, I am spreading links to my blog and trying to get traffic, but also seeking to make a thoughtful response beyond “Like”. Perhaps it is because I commented too much on that kind of Christian blog showing what I would call “intolerance” and they might call “Christian firmness”.

      I chose “Clare”, here, and “Claire” for my real life middle name, for the connotation of “light”.

      Reply ↓

    • Thank you. I will address your questions:

      What was the title of the first book (including a picture book) you have read?
      I cannot remember, the first I remember were “William” by Richmal Crompton, and rather vaguer of things by HE Bates. And I love picture books- when I read “The three little wolves and the big bad pig” it made me cry.
      Can you still remember the name of a person you first kissed?
      Yes, though as I do not give my own name here, I can hardly tell hers.
      Who is your favourite writer and why?
      Jane Austen, read and reread, I get more from the novels each time.
      If you can be one famous person for a year who would you chose to be and why?
      Do you mean, take the role and be me, or be the other? I do not want to be anyone but me, and would fear I could not perform the role.
      Where in the world would you like to live your last days on earth?
      If dying, in a very good hospital. If not dying, I do not want to know.
      If you can invite five famous people to your home for dinner, who would you invite and why?
      Oh, separately. It would be awful to have them talking to each other and snubbing me.
      If you can have one talent what would it be?
      Stand-up comedy.
      Who is the most important person in your life?
      Me. I actually regret not being co-dependent atm, it is not for want of trying.
      Have you ever lived for more than a year outside your home country?
      Not if you say my home country is the UK, yes if you say it is Scotland. I say my Country is the UK.
      What is the scariest thing you can imagine?
      Any risk I can imagine becomes bearable.
      If you have a one wish for the world that would come true what would it be?
      Oh! What is the compass of my moral imagination? What shortcomings of my wish might I envisage, and how overcome them- for that is the trope of stories of djinns and wishes. For the World- that I be a billionaire, and I could then do things which seemed good to me- And spend some on myself.

      Reply ↓

  40. If you haven’t been commenting on the About news on WordPress.com I wouldn’t have known about you. You are a brave soul and I like the way you write … One thing I want to say to you for now is HOPE is LIGHT and HOPE you need – and a question – ARE you on the right way for you? – Thank so much for sharing :)

    Reply ↓

    • I got quite a few views from that post.

      Hello. Welcome. Thank you.

      I am on the right way, as there is no wrong way. Some cul-de-sacs you have to go right to the end- and indeed try to break through the wall at the end- before turning round and trying another way.

      Reply ↓

    • I found you through the tag surfer on “homosexuality”. I read and comment a lot there, winding up the condemners, supporting the allies- I was interested in what you have to say about Rick Warren, about the ways through the mess. Another interesting post recently was John Meunier, “An experiment in non-violent communication.” He is a man who chooses to Listen, and possibly I could do that more.

      My spiritual growth was my impetus for starting this blog, and I write on it under the category New Life.

      Reply ↓

  42. I found you when you recently commented on my blog, and I wanted to reach out. My 15-year-old son recently told me that he is transgender and I was not surprised, as I’ve had some strong indications about his identity since he was five years old and had a female alter-ego. I’m pleased to see that you’ve found a path that allows you to feel accepted in spite of or because of your identity. I don’t feel that anyone’s LGBT status should affect their ability to pursue faith, but I know that so often people don’t feel welcomed. I hope my child will be able to find a similar place of peace for himself, but as of right now he has a long way to go. If you wish any further communication I can be reached at my username @ hotmail. Blessings to you!

    Reply ↓

    • I think you are right, when you say on your blog that Right-wingers have no right to tell you you have no place in Church, because you have completed the sacraments and not been excommunicated. And I went with a mystic friend to his Catholic church, and was surprised he was comfortable there- it was all down to the individual priest. But that was in Sheffield, Yorkshire, so not much use to you. In my blog today I put the boot in to two Catholics I do not like.

      Well, you know. Your child is entitled to acceptance in her church as herself. And she may not get it. I left my Church of England parish church because I felt rejected, and found Quakers. I think you should be OK with Quakers, especially any with Friends General Conference: I see there are twelve Quaker meetings in Texas.

      Oh, and my email address should be accessible from your toolbar: click on your name on the top left, then on “Comments” to find my last comment, which should have my email address by it.

      Reply ↓

  46. Hi Clare,

    I love your writings. They are thought-provoking and force my (sadly) finite mind to be daring to grapple with ideas that may threaten reality as I perceive it. I feel blessed to have stumbled upon your blog as you are, in a way, helping me to grow into a better person.

    God bless always.

    Reply ↓

    • Hello and welcome. Thank you.

      I have now read all your linked blog. Thank you for describing your spiritual journey, I hope the writing helps you.

      May your perception of reality continue to grow and mature.

      Reply ↓

      • Questions:
        1) If you could have any power, what would it be?
        2) Do you find it is better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?
        3) Do the ends justify the means?
        4) How would you describe your life using no more than five words?
        5) What excites you most about life?
        6) Do you have a fear of death, a respect for it, or do you prefer to ignore it?
        7) How important is music in your life?
        8) Would you classify yourself as more of a lover or a fighter? Why?
        9) What do you think the role of religion is in the grand scheme of things?
        10) Which road is better to take, the straight path, or the scenic route?
        11) And finally, as a Nihilist I ask everyone I can this question, so I suppose you will have to suffer as well. How do you prove that we exist?

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