Perfect in my Imperfection

Golden_mask_of_AgamemnonI am perfect in my imperfection.

That wasp, flying/climbing up the Meeting House window is doing its thing. It is not happy or unhappy: it does that because it is the thing it does, the evolved response to particular circumstances. It will carry on until it falls, exhausted. It is not feeding, so it will exhaust its supply of chemical energy. If I am to help it, I must do so carefully: picking it up and putting it outside is not sufficient, I should put it where it may find a food source. I may do as I wish: putting it outside is enough, I do that because that is who I am; or I could use a smartphone to find how to help it feed; or ignore it completely.

When I was transitioning, I had experiences which I called cognitive dissonance, though I do not know if I use that term of art correctly. It felt as if the fact that I seemed to perceive something or believe it to be true was not evidence for or against its truth. The bottom fell out of my world, I was blown about having lost my bearings and my footing, I was terrified and after such experiences I became “depressed”, taking time off work to recover. I would gladly take pills to make that sensation go away, it stopped me functioning and any anti-depressant would be an improvement. tseliot109032

Now it seems I am like that, not knowing truth or falsehood, never being able to act in a way which is Good, or which fulfils my aims.

R. is not here. Is it something I said? That is a paranoid thought, but given the scope of our interaction over a couple of weeks recently, it is just credible enough to bother me- so I checked, and Liz said she is away visiting. The fear I have of driving her away is the same thing as the care I took in that interaction.

I sought Safety, and that means Stagnation. I stay in my house and do not go out, and even that is unsafe- do I feel up to going to the corner shop? File:Cefalu Christus Pantokrator cropped.jpgThere will be people there- and this is a disaster, a wilful act of self-destruction- and the best self-care I could do at the time. And- at the moment, all I have to do is buy food occasionally. Even washing and dressing is not essential.

This is Perfect. I can Know where I Am for the First Time. Possibly.

I wanted to minister, but my mind is too full. I could go out and ask Kelley to hear me- oh, that’s interesting, I recognise the possibility but do not get up. Then I speak, on Amos Oz curing fanaticism through humour and empathy, which may or may not be inspired ministry.

By the clock, the Meeting overruns by one minute. What? That’s not the Rules!
At that moment, I feel Loved. Perhaps I have never felt more Loved.

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15 thoughts on “Perfect in my Imperfection

  1. Clare, Many of my posts discuss how we can understand our experiences through mythology. Understanding experiences through mythology can enrich and deeper those experiences, and perhaps find meaning in them. You write of the bottom falling our of your world. You lost your footing and became depressed. Today I was going to write about Poseidon until I heard it was Earth Day so I decided to write about Gaia. The bottom falling out, losing bearings and footings–I would call that a Poseidon experience. Then you got depressed–that is an experience of Hades. On Thursday I plan to write about Poseidon, but I do have a post on Hades (and it relates to depression). You may find it interesting and maybe even of use in trying to understand your experience. I invite you to read it and keep an eye out for Poseidon on Thursday. If you do decide to check out my blog, hover over the Mythic Musings menu on the homepage and click on “Musing Posts.” There you will find a link to “Who is Hades anyway.” If you want to leave a comment, I’ll be around the rest of the night to respond.

    I appreciate your honesty and your vulnerability in your post.

    Josh Bertetta

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    • Wow! It’s like you’ve discovered the motivation behind fables! Truly fascinating. Surely Aesop and de la Fontaine never considered such a process could be informative :)
      Sorry, Madam Flourish- occasionally one can’t avoid it.

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    • Thank you.

      Fascinating, I added a link. It seems necessary to me to pass through my depression, to learn from it, rather than to resist it, for resisting it creates an equal and opposite resistance.

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      • Hi Clare,

        Hope you are doing well and you are healing since our last exchange. I told you way back when I was going to write on Poseidon. Long overdue, the post is now up–thought I’d let you know.

        Josh

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        • In 25 minutes I will post- the new day, in the UK- about why I am particularly happy at this precise moment; and thank you for reminding me of your Poseidon article. What the ego fears, the soul delights in (Hillman, Dream and the Underworld, 152) for Poseidon’s floodings and earthquakes are ways of “dissolving one kind of earth while another comes into being”. Yes.

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  2. This demanded two … yes TWO good readings. It’s moving, deep, and utterly true to my world. I spent close to three years, never leaving the house out of fear, scared all the time, crying because I was scared all the time. So … this is written in my language, Clare. I absolutely love. It’s still why I take my daily walk, here or in Paris, the moment the sun’s up (even barely) … it became habit during the dark days.

    Thanks!

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