M-F-M

File:Symphony in White no 1 - The White Girl - Portrait of Joanna Hiffernan (by James Abbot McNeill Whistler).jpgI still think of reverting, M-F-M, and worry that a main reason for not reverting is that I would be admitting I had been wrong. In one of Wxhluyp‘s interminable debates, her opponent contrasted two opposites: Male v Female, and Male v Not-Male. Then there is the trans-exclusionist critique: the only real differences between male and female are anatomical; any other differences are cultural, patriarchal and oppressive. And there is the denied, oppressed and derided way of being male, the sissy.

Reverting would not mean admitting I had been wrong. I wanted so much to transition at the time, it was the most important thing in my life. Transition is always portrayed as intended to be life-long, but need not be. Transition could be the only path I could have taken to get to wanting to present male, now.

I am dissatisfied. How could I not be? How many are not? In my dissatisfaction, I alight on the most impractical, self-hating and self-judging act as a possible solution. How tempting: I am dissatisfied because I took that wrong step- reverse it and everything will be OK.

As before, there are two questions:

Am I female?
Will I be happier if I revert?

No to the first does not necessitate a yes to the second.

It feels that I have a fire in me which can frighten or offend others (again, this may be the common human experience) which I have not yet learned how to live with: I am unhappy whether I suppress it or let it out, and learning how to live with it is what I mean by doing teenage, or doing toddlerhood, now.

M-F-M. It is not what I Want. Trying to work it out rationally- am I deluded?- gets me nowhere.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3d/Symphony_in_White_no_1_-_The_White_Girl_-_Portrait_of_Joanna_Hiffernan_%28by_James_Abbot_McNeill_Whistler%29.jpg

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18 thoughts on “M-F-M

  1. Do any of these decisions have to be permanent? I remember being at a wedding once- one which I thought wasn’t the best idea. I turned to my friend, the bride, and said, “Are you sure you want to go ahead with this?”. She dismissed me without blinking: “Why is everything so set in stone with you? If it works, great. If it doesn’t I’ll move along. Meanwhile pass me the champagne and let’s have some fun.”
    I think it’s a good attitude. I’m practising accepting that I get to set my own rules. I don’t want to do big parties anymore, and that’s the end of that. I’ll probably spend the rest of my life running into people who say “but it was so much fun when you…”- but that doesn’t matter because it’s not what I want now.

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  2. People change their minds all the time and perhaps the M-F-M decisions/choices seem bigger than any other because of their nature – the defining gender. But, hey, at the end of the day every decision or choice, no matter what it’s about – has the same effect: the search or expectation of personal happiness at the given time of choice making in one’s life. So, I say, go with what the heart desires :)

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    • Well, they are irreversible physical changes. When my friend worked at the jobcentre, there was a person who would oscillate between expressing male and female, and staff found that person inoffensive- takes all sorts to make a world. For me, though, I have The Doubts occasionally but my heart has no desire for reverting.

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  3. Personally, it took me a long time to figure out the meaning of “no matter where you go, there you are”. As awful as our circumstances can be, they are just circumstances. When they change, we still have to live with ourselves.
    But the self you are stuck with isn’t so bad: I don’t know you personally and cannot judge your character, but from following the blog it is evident that you are a highly intelligent and sensitive person. Don’t forget that.
    And sometimes depression is just depression.

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    • I am moved that you should come back more than two hours after “liking” to say that. And, while I had heard that you cannot escape yourself, I did not associate that with transition. Ha!

      You teach me. Thank you.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your journey and where you are in this particular moment of your journey. Your blog always makes me think about things that I had not considered. Someone is going to read this blog and think, that is exactly what I am going through right now! And it’s going to be a comfort to them.

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  5. This is a difficult post to comment on, it’s so personal and few of us have the experience to properly understand. I’m impressed by dp’s comment though, and Pink’s makes a lot of sense too.

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    • I am glad when you comment.

      Some of this is generalisable into all human experience:

      Footfalls echo in the memory
      Down the passage which we did not take
      Towards the door we never opened

      some of it is more particular, but still recognisable: the decision which I took which took all my resources to achieve, and my state of stuckness now (but see today’s post).

      I am impressed generally by my commenters.

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      • This rings so incredibly true for me, and so beautiful. I think there is always a sense of longing, a sense of loss for what might have been. I think it is, to some degree, human nature because we long to do what is most right and express what is most true. Personally, I try to remind myself that I made every decision using the best information at the time, and regardless of the outcome I own that choice. I try to remember the beauty if having the ability to choose, even if it sometimes leaves me paralyzed with its scope and power. For what its worth, from you words I think you have a beautiful spirit, regardless of how it is expressed physically.

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        • Thank you.

          Actually, I am quite happy with the way I am expressed physically, at the moment. The thoughts of reverting are not who I am but symptoms of dissatisfaction: and I was right at the time to transition, given what I felt about it. I suppose some might challenge the decision to transition itself in the same way- it does not reflect underlying reality, merely dissatisfaction: but, then, I can consult my heart, and know the difference.

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  6. In your last sentence you say, “M-F-M is not what I want” which seems to me to be a perfectly clear statement of where you are today. That clarity is honest enough for now, and what, except now, is there? Please, don’t torture yourself with trying to work things out rationally. The big decisions in life are Never about what would be rational, but what engages our hearts, the more, the better.

    Just stay now, with what you choose now. That is enough, and can be refined and refreshed as you go. We love you greatly for what you are now, and the way in which you express yourself, which is beautiful in our eyes.

    Bless you. XXX :-))

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