Mark refused to “share”, not wishing, now, to bare his soul to near-strangers. D found Sacha’s Russian accent difficult, and his phrase “journey in” opaque: when I used the synonym “spiritual journey” he did not deny it, but did not use any other words himself to explain what he meant. How does your outward journey reflect your “journey Een”?
I did not particularly want to share, either. Here am I on a Spiritual Path, of self-acceptance, greater perception of reality, emotional maturity, etc, but I still feel that this Growth should result in some activity, and am ashamed of my inactivity, now. So the evidence is ambiguous: growth, or stagnation? I hope it is a phase I am going through.
I suggested we mill and hug. People participated in this readily enough, but when I started hugging again on the last evening no-one joined in. Mark thanked me for proposing it, people seemed to enjoy it. R had done it before, in her “encounter groups”.
I met two men who live here. One is- “working class”, Scots- oh, I do not want to describe him, for I was projecting furiously on him. He will judge me. He will see how affected and inauthentic I am, and will despise me. I can never have an honest conversation with him. My feeling of my own inadequacy overwhelmed me, and I have no reason to believe that related to any actual judgment he held, nor real understanding of why I might project on him. I felt he could not see me as a proper man or woman, as the middle classes pretend to. He expressed no dislike. I got confused.
Four of us walked in the sun by narrow paths to Bamford, and when we crossed the river by the weir it was beautiful. I felt light and playful. Theresa separately invited three of us to her community on the Greek island of Lemnos- she said I could work four hours a day in the vineyard, for my keep, and suggested to others she wanted a financial contribution. I heard her try to persuade N of her living relationship with Jesus Christ, who is partly evidenced by the eyewitness accounts of the Gospels, and would like to be assured of my ability to get away before I went to Lemnos.
Every morning the community has meeting for worship, from 8-8.30. Every evening we had epilogue, from 9-9.15, after which most people went to bed. The evening we had a bonfire planned, it rained; once, we performed for each other. I gave The Story of my Breast”. I really need it videoed, or criticised: I felt I gabbled, but have no idea. I got a few laughs from Jasmine, but the others were silent.