Withdrawal
Numbness, then misery. Tease it apart.
It feels like there has been a withdrawal. An approach to possible closeness then withdrawal, remaining on friendly terms. Mmm. That is a potent cause of unhappiness. One would expect unhappiness, I should tolerate it. It may be intense. Fearing it only makes it stronger.
Then I castigate myself. That was a mistake, I communicated the wrong mood. Or, that- months ago- was disrespectful, bound to create a distance. More evidence that I am not perfect. Well, that was how I was, then, and that is how I am now. A certain level of play-acting in initial negotiations is respectful, and more is literally hypocrisy. My lack of employment is not a particularly attractive characteristic.
My cure is moving from past and future to Now, from regret and desire to appreciation. That includes acceptance and appreciation of me, my emotional reactions and my level of intelligence, foresight, and perception; and acceptance of unknowing and what seems likely, and living with other possibilities, because I do not see clearly. The wisdom of this is commonplace, the cliché is “not jumping to conclusions”.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I do not need to know why I am myself. I just am. This is a lesson I must keep learning. Anything can make me question and doubt and judge myself. And- I am good enough. The problem is the doubt and the shame.
On facebook, someone shared: “Be so happy that when others look at you they become happy too”. Someone I do not know commented, “Be so honest that if you feel like crying, you do not need to pretend that you do not feel other than happy. Still, you do not need to cultivate any other feeling than the feeling of being alive.”
I “liked” both. It seems that the fear of my painful emotions makes them more intense and unpleasant, and so acceptance brings greater happiness. I hope not to pretend to myself. And- sometimes I might want to bracket emotions, to be aware of them but not express them.
That numbness is self-protection. It is OK, too. All of this is OK. All of it improves. I have spent two days in which the work I have had to do is experiencing and analysing my own reaction to one conversation. How wonderful to have all this time to do that!
You describe your thoughts and feelings in such a beautiful, honest and open way..
As long as we are honest with ourselves about how we are feeling (happy, sad, numb,etc) and allow these emotions to sit in us, it’s how it should be..
Yes, Lynne. And- we are moulded as children to change our active responses, and the lesson I took- I am not alone in this- was to seek to change the emotion.
I am really not sure about the numbness. It seems to me like avoidance of consciousness of emotion. I tend to feel that my self-protection against feeling kicks in too quickly, I want to burrow down and get to the feeling, deal with it. Numbness feels as if it is linked to the fear of the feeling, which is a bad response from socialisation, rather than a core feeling. I strongly differentiate my core-being, real me, emotional response, from the learned responses to it. The learned responses seem like self-harm. This comes from my perception of my core-being as female and the pretence to be male as a learned response on top, which I had to slough off.
Beautiful post, Clare. Just one feeling at a time – feel it, watch it move. And I’m glad you’re in a place where you can do that.
Permit it, and let it work as it will.