Rejection
In October 2011 when I started getting all emotional I put it down to the hormones. Now I go back to Dr Anne, and I don’t. She spent twenty minutes with me, and tried to build on what we have discussed so far. In 2011, I wanted referred to the Charing Cross GIC endocrinologist, because I hoped s/he would have experience of trans women on hormones and might make sure things are going OK. Anne thought I should be counselled by their psychiatrists, for whom I have little respect. I cannot bear the thought of reverting.
Nicola got rid of me saying I should have counselling within the surgery, and their counsellor has just retired. They have not yet replaced her. Anne thinks I am upset because of rejection. And I think, no, the acceptance is far more important. All the acceptance I have! Positive thinking, be aware of the positive, even when the negative is true it is not useful information. But no. I cannot just ignore the negative, because I have been hurt by it. All this stuff in my past. It hurt overwhelmingly, and still hurts. Rejection: by my father when I was most vulnerable, by my sister, by Quakers in a long drawn out, hideous way, by the CAB in large and small ways, the annual funding crises and the annual audit crises; rejection by partners and potential partners, and the original childhood rejection, after which I tried to make a man of myself. I need to see all the positive in any situation, and I cannot ignore this hurt, for I am still hurt by it. I am hurt so much that I stay in my flat and do not go out.
Then- Oh wow.
My resentment, anger and fear are overwhelmingly aimed against myself.
This was this morning’s thought. I am angry at that part in me- not, clearly, all my emotional being- which is frightened of getting a job, frightened of looking for one. So there is the fear, and the anger I feel at it.
And it is all my fault. I should have been able to cope. I should have been able to achieve. That should not have affected me. That supreme joy which absolutely blinded me to what was actually going on: my own joy is my enemy.
I need to forgive myself.
In a spiritual exercise, the speaker told us to pick an object, and become aware of it. I took my pocket-mirror from my handbag, noticed a mark on it, and began cleaning it. Unsurprised, the speaker remarked several of us were cleaning.
I would not normally clean it, I would just use it. It was still useable, despite the mark. Why clean it? Because, in taking time to consider the mirror, I saw the dirt and was ashamed of it. Or because I valued it. Because I feared judgment, or out of love.
Being aware of myself, there are things I might wish to clean away.
Wow, Clare, what a post. Yes, we can clean, out of compassion, out of self respect, out of fear and out of judgement. Interesting. It is just as well that so few others can see our inner turmoil. Thank god for small mercies, and all that.
I recently became aware of the huge amount of resentment I have been carrying around. I realised that this was something I learned in infancy, which was reinforced as I grew older, by comparison and so on. I assumed it was normal – it was such a huge part of the way I saw the world – so, most importantly, in my life I have been seeing everything through the lense of being offended, which continues to create that resentment. Because I assumed that resentment was a normal part of being, I have created it every day.
What a shame for all those people who love me, and have played no part in the history of my distortion. Since resentment is untrue, isolating and hard against me, what a waste of time, and opportunities to express love, to just be happy, for god’s sake!
Maybe it is a bit like that for you, too. You learned shame early, and possibly self loathing, and now, because of its backdrop, perhaps you find ways to recreate that in your life today? It is only what we are familiar with, after all.
Bless you, for your thoughtful and generous posts. I am learning all the time!
XXX
Thank you. I have a lot of old resentment, and why would we not? It does seem easier for others, with our particular problems, especially as people look askance at both of us. I found my resentment and I did not know what to do with it, and yesterday I was wrestling with a particular ongoing thing and its anger and resentment. Being aware is better than not being aware.
I think a lot of people will have old resentments, conscious or unconscious.
I have nominated you for an award on my site! You can see it here: Maxima
Gosh! Two in four days. Thank you.
I delight your posts
What is your original language? Poetry in a foreign language is particularly difficult.
Every time I read your posts, I hear/see/feel such beauty and maybe tinged with sadness..or hope.
I feel under-educated; don’t have the words to convey how elated and sad they make me feel all at the same time. Rarely do written words evoke emotion in me, yours always do.
Thank you. God bless you.