I have had times over the past year when I imagined that I had learned life lessons: that I do not need to be accepted as female, but am entitled to courtesy; that I can be my vulnerable self, rather than hiding in my shell; that I need to trust myself and the world, rather than be in fear; that I did not trust my feelings, but if I could, then I can mitigate the anger and fear I feel as a reaction to those feelings; that I need to forgive myself, all my decisions and the situation I have reached. How am I getting on with them?
I first got out of my shell in February 1999, my spiritual awakening. I still struggle with that.
Of course knowing that these practices are necessary does not mean that I may drop into them immediately and habitually. It is a year since I started blogging, thinking that I could see being transsexual as a blessing and that that was Pupating; and one main reason for writing here is to self-examine in public, to try and learn these lessons and take them into my heart, so I may face the World better. The great blessing was seeing how negative I was, and deciding to be positive, and that has worked through in other lessons since, including these. It has helped me to see how great my difficulties were.
I spend a lot of time switched off, watching telly or playing on blogs, and that is OK.
I think now I can say
This, here, now, is a good place to be
rather than “This has been a good place to be”, lashing myself with Oughts.
I still wrestle with thinking and feeling. I am female, and so I feel that I need to express myself female, and I was born with testicles, so I still passionately want to make intellectual sense of that, and can’t. Or, I still have a Why Me resentment of it, I have not yet accepted that so difficult part of my own self. Though now it is my non-acceptance, rather than the World’s, here, now, that makes it so difficult for me. I spend more time in that situation I call Presence, primarily in my senses and aware of what is around me, and having thought that simply wonderful and a Spiritual Way, am exploring its value and the value of other ways of being, and how they might fit together. That is good and necessary work.
On Spiritual healing: with no-one to practise on, I do on myself, and feel the heat in my hands. Others may think me irrational or unChristian, but it feels right to me. On Karate, I watched the boxing in the Olympics with interest- how does he move his feet, how does he move around the ring? Before, I have found it disgusting. On blogging, I find I can make headlines italic, but not in other fonts, and when they appear in “top posts” the html tag <em> is spelled out.
It is Blessing to be as feminine as I am, to have the depth of sensibility I have, even while being born with testicles.
Is this any different? Am I merely ruminating?
I think I am going deeper, working out the consequences, freeing myself at the right pace from the self-rejection and self-loathing. I really am two people (at least), the feminine response and the terrified suppression. I think I make progress, and if at the moment that blue text feels like a statement of faith which I need to grow to accept even though it is so strongly foreshadowed in what I wrote a year ago, this is the process I want to go through, now.