If I am to trust my instincts, the Collective Unconscious, and my unconscious self, so that as my body picks the muscles necessary for a task, so also my Highest Self crafts my responses in a situation, then I must respond out of Love and not Fear, Love which includes Trust. Love for that Highest Self. Love for others as myself. Perfect Love driveth out all fear.
Cos I'm terrified. I really am. All that checking, all that obsessive checking, past, present and future, all that rumination of the Monkey mind constantly stressed, reliving the stress, looking for reasons to fear, collecting them, hoarding them, examining them, picking over them- Old Fear, current Fear-
The answer is God, that is, Love. And- this is not nice, this is not sweet
I want to scream, I Hate you All Fuck off, and Die
and still be accepted. So I have to do the accepting. I still have to do the accepting.
Or, how about this? I want to be free to- scream "fuck off and die", whatever if I need to, if I choose to, and not be seeking acceptance. To choose whatever and accept any bad consequences for the benefit I gain. That is what I imagine I might gain from self-acceptance.
This is the mechanism. I feel anger or fear caused by an external stimulus. I then feel anger and fear that I have that feeling. I am afraid of my own feeling. Then, because the feelings are so unbearable, I shut down my awareness of them. I need to accept all these painful feelings, accept my own emotional being and my reactions to reality. Then my feelings will work for me. Then my self-protection will protect me. Seeing this, and working on it, is worth the time I spend on it.
How might I look when I have done this work? I don't know. My speculation on that, insofar as it is inaccurate, is a barrier to the work. I need to accept and trust the result.
I love Danielle LaPorte’s “Inspiration driven questions”:
The fear-driven questions of human interaction…
What will they think of me? I better do what will make me look good.
What do they expect of me? I better give them what they want, when they want it.
What can I get from them? I better be clever to get what I want.
Is this moving me forward?
Do I feel more like myself?
Does this feel expansive or contracting?
How can I be generous here?