So, Clare. You have not been working, or looking for work for six months. Why?
Well, I have been doing all this spiritual growth, and discovering Healing, and learning better how to be with people. Healing is so challenging for me, the thing which I cannot explain or rationalise but which feels right: I feel heat from healers, and people feel heat from me. And this emotional block I have against trusting myself- it is melting away like a bar of soap rubbed under a tap. And- I am frightened.
My own emotional reaction. Not of the people, what they think of me. There is nothing else to fear, but my own emotional reaction.
OK. What actually happens? In the jobs I go for, mostly I have an application form to complete, giving my career history and responding to a person specification. Often the questions are the same, I can cut and paste and adapt what I have written before. Then, quite often actually, because I am well qualified, I get an interview. I drive up to two hundred miles each way, and about two days later I get a phone call to say I have not got the job. Or- no, actually. The most recent ones I have had phone calls to say I have not got the job, but in the past I have had phone calls to offer me jobs. Even when I have been read as transsexual.
How do I feel about it? I feel judged and found wanting- but it may be better to think of it as having an interview means being judged as capable of the job; and the panel have found someone they prefer. I hate “blowing my own trumpet”- a terribly British characteristic, but exacerbated in my case: one interviewer found me painfully careful not to exaggerate, and to give the truth.
I feel terribly, terribly upset when I do not get the offer. I have been weeping helplessly about it. At the moment I do not absolutely have to find a job, and I just haven’t been looking, because of the distress I feel about
rejection not getting jobs. And- medium term, I have to find something, so it would behove me to start looking. And see if there is another path beside what I have applied for recently.
It feels like rejection. And- I ought to be able to deal with this, I ought to get the job- I find my lack of control distressing. I need to accept that I am not in control. So the spiritual growth stuff which I do has value.
Possibly, I can make the applications, and deal with the distress. Telling myself that I should not be distressed, I should just get on with it, or even that I am not distressed, it is imagined, has got me here. I can deal with the distress cognitively- What is actually happening?- and by feeling and accepting it, and self-caring.