Envy
I had things I had to do before I could transition. I wanted to make a good start on electrolysis, as shaving closely enough to go out dressed made my skin sensitive, and I needed in any event to let my facial hair grow for two days before it could be electrolysed. I had four hours of electrolysis a week. I wanted speech therapy, because my voice was one of the things most likely to get me read as TS.
I found the speech therapy very difficult. The therapist told me that rather than doing half an hour at a time, I should take a minute, say, on the stairs in the office, or going to work, with an exercise. This did my head in. It was already bad enough spending the weekend female, and then on Monday morning having to go into work presenting male. I was not easy to be with on Monday mornings. Then I would do a voice exercise, and connect to my female self at random times each day, then have to impose the male mask again. It was intolerable.
I woke at four am, which is never a good time to make a decision, thinking of my colleague Vicky. Vicky had noticed herself being “clumsy”, this had become serious enough for a referral to a neurologist, and three years after her diagnosis with MS she was in a wheelchair. And I felt such envy of her, because she was accepted as female, that I would have swapped places with her. So I thought, that is it, I have to transition as soon as I can. That was six weeks before I transitioned at work.
Now, I feel occasional pangs of envy of a well-dressed woman with a particularly gorgeous figure, but am happy in myself, on the whole.
Envy is a funny thing, isn’t it? I feel envious of you, because you are so tall and elegant and you can wear trendy court shoes in shiny patent leather which will be lovingly cared for and never get scuffed. You have beautiful hands, a gentle mien, whereas I stutter, stagger and get upset. You glide smoothly, and carry yourself natural authority, whereas I seem to wilt whenever anyone asks me a question. You have this, I have that. Envy is all about a rocking boat of comparisons, that makes us feel seasick.
We should stop it, really, and just hug each other. And be happy. I discovered a most marvellous thing yesterday. I mean, intellectually I have always known that I have permission to be happy – I even write books about that sort of thing! – but yesterday i understood for the very first time that I have permission to be happy all the time. Because being happy, brings the best results. Always. Fix your heart on being happy, and the rest comes to you.
Instead of the old “Do – Have – Be” paradigm which stipulates that if only I could do this – win the lottery, then I could have that – lots of money, and then I will be happy. The truly creative paradigm is that if I will first be happy, then I will do lots of things that come from that happiness, and then I will indeed find that I attract whatever it is I have always wanted. That is the natural order. And it seems to me that this is what you are doing, and with resounding success!
All the best
Ann F xxx