Ending it all
As I approached transition, and starting to live full time- expressing myself female at work, putting off my male disguise- often my friend F would take me in to her house at weekends. She is a wonderful, funny, generous person, fearful and hurt and still enthusiastic. She, L. and I would go out sightseeing or shopping. L., also deeply hurt, was fond of quoting Old Man River:
I get weary and sick of trying
I’m tired of living, and scared of dying
and I hated it.
Another friend has two catchphrases, “I think I’m not long for this world” and “I think I’m going to end it all”. To which I respond, a first floor window is high enough if you make sure to land on your head. For my American readers, you would call that a “second floor”, I understand. But I hated it, and I still hate it.
Of course I have been suicidal. Who, unable to bear living as assigned by others yet terrified of transition has not? For a long time I kept enough sleeping pills to do for myself. I got them from the GP, because I was having trouble sleeping, but had not used all of them as they made me feel TATT, in the doctors’ acronym. Once, I formed the intent, and was rescued from myself by the strangest synchronicity. One woman I heard of plotted murder as well, but could not go through with it, and I think, well, yeah, I can sympathise with that even if I have not myself been angry and despairing enough to make such an intention.
And- No. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. We heal and grow and mature from whatever place we are in, and it ill behoves us to cut that off. I do not deserve death, however wrong I thought myself. I deserve blessing, and will open my heart to receive it.
I loathe those catchphrases. I know precisely what I am doing here, telling my keyboard, and people some of whom I have met will read it, because I have not had the courage to tell her to her face (my response hints at it and skirts round it). I love her intelligence and courage and humour and generosity and creativity. I loathe her negativity and inability to care for herself as she deserves and her withdrawal into herself, because they are not necessary. Something better is possible. I am finding more courage. I am reducing my blocks.
Today is the WHO World Mental Health Awareness day.