Being transsexual- what’s it like?
When asked, I want to explain, because I want people to understand.
The first thing is, I have not had a “sex change”, I have changed the way I express myself. I am the same person, with the same gender. There are sex differences in the human brain, and on some of those my brain shows as female. Transition is liberation: as a friend noticed, I was acting when I was presenting male, real when expressing myself female.
On the operation, it is easier for women to understand than men. Ladies, you may have a great deal of fun with penises, but you would not want one of your own. Gents, as you would feel about losing it, I felt about having it. After my op, I did a thought-experiment. How would I feel if I had to lose one of my little toes? Well, if I had to, I could come to terms with that, but I find the idea horrible. And yet hearing the psychiatrist dictate his letter recommending the operation was one of the happiest moments of my life. Someone condemned me as “unnatural”- if what I have done was unnatural, I would not be able to continue with it. It is profoundly right for my nature. And transitioning has liberated me from a black and white view of gender; I can express myself over a wide range of “masculine” or “feminine” behaviours, whereas before I was limited.
If it is wrong for you, and you tried it, you would find that out very quickly indeed: my transvestite friend once cross-dressed for a week, and by the end of that week he was completely sick of it. If it is right for you, it is just, right: it was the most important thing in my life to transition, I could not move forward in my life in anything else, I had to deal with this first.
It has been a lifelong feeling that there are more than the accepted two genders. When considering just the possible number of combinations of chromosomes there are many more than two. But as you say Clare it is what it feels like in the head that counts, and there’s the rub who could possibly understand how you feel inside? Are there sufficient words in our limited vocabulary, of even the most erudite being, adequately to describe true feelings that others can understand?
Unless of course we all acknowledge that we have in fact forgotten how intimately to communicate with each other. How can I possibly know how you feel deep inside unless I communicate with you on that same level where words no longer have meaning?
Unfortunately, we are confined to the society we are all guilty of promoting, whether we admit it or not, where so much if not all depends on what others think of us, when in divine truth its how we feel and what we believe that only matters. All else is their problem, don’t let it become yours, courageous Soul! May Golden Light illuminate your growing awareness.
Indeed. I used to assign more value to a casual insult in the street than all the acceptance of all the people I knew and respected. Now, I can give any rejection only its proper weight.
I was happier when I started living as Teresa, happier still when I was Teresa on hormones and far happier since I’ve had my operation. This is me and I really don’t care if anyone thinks it unnatural.
Teresa
Excellent. Of course. Welcome, Teresa.
To feel that you have been condemned as “un-natural” is obviously very painful for you. Why not do as you did before with your mother and simply accept – Ah, of course, she doesn’t understand me… because she does not understand!”.
Clearly, those who condemn or criticize your beauty do so out of fear, because they do not see the real you. They are harking back to a clear cut image of you that they would prefer you to express (male/female, black/white, submissive, obliging, etc ad nauseam) because it would make them more comfortable.
But we know how hard it is to be true to ourselves, when we are only expressing ourselves to keep other people happy. There is nothing threatening in the realization that those we thought understood us, in fact do not, because we have grown away from them. We move forward, while their understanding of us is frozen at the time when we were fifteen.
Smile and bless those who oppose you, but go on your way nevertheless. You have shown great courage in being true to yourself – and you are so beautiful – and in bearing with the misunderstandings of others. As you move forward, others who recognise you will come forward to keep you company.
Ann xx
Dear Ann, the woman I was thinking of married my relative, and drains all the life away when I visit with her cold politeness. However, I have come to terms with this. And you are right. I go on my way nevertheless.